Said a lot of the right stuff
Emphasis on "said". What's he doing?
Still fucking OW.
Three months to prove himself = three months to keep eating cake.
Said a lot of the right stuff, and that little seed in my chest that hopes for R got a little bit of water and sunshine to give it a bit of life. Urge to kick him out wilted quite a bit. Is he for real this time? He's said the right stuff before.
How many times does this have to happen before you realize that YOU have to do things differently? It's the same cycle over and over again. Stop participating in the craziness. Stand strong now!!! Wait until he shows you through his actions that he has changed. Otherwise, you'll be back here saying he did it again.
Honestly, it seems to me like many WH's would be happier with a maid, an accountant, a nanny and a hooker, but it's a bit pricier than a wife and a mistress. Unless you get caught...
Especially if the maid, accountant and nanny are hot and will sleep with him too.
[This message edited by m334455 at 9:59 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]
180 must have been really hard to do, especially having just said goodbye to DD.
Did you feel like you gained some psychological space away from him just for yourself?
I think you should consider going away for the weekend with your friends without him. After all, everything is not OK, and that's his fault. Why should you give up a nice time with good friends?
If he asks how you can work things out if you won't talk to him, tell him that there is no "us" to talk about until he goes NC with OW.
He has real problems that you did not cause and can not fix. He needs to take responsibility for fixing himself (and NC plus IC would be a good start).
Give yourself a pat on the back and some kind of treat for the inner strength you showed yesterday!
The reason you don't want to talk is because you are waiting to see if his ACTIONS to prove his trustworthiness last longer than a few weeks and are a sign of 'real' change (instead of a sign of him TALKING about changing).
Right now, the two of you are not working on your relationship -- he is working on himself so you can begin to work on your relationship. That's kinda how this goes.
Hang in there ... and trust your inner voice.
DDay #1 03/07/2011
2 DS 11, 7
2 DD 10,5
Take his phone and his hard drive to be data mined. Even suggesting it will be telling...if he blanches, well, there's your answer.
Data mining will give you all the erased history, texts, photos and emails.
Also put a VAR in his car. Of course, don't tell him, just put it in there with some velcro tape. He has some kind of secret phone that he is using to yuck it up with her. This is what I mean by 'staged transparency'.
IC for him to figure out why he is such a douche'. And you must have access to the IC to check his stories, he is a known liar.
(Mr. Happy is in IC and I have full access)
Accountability as to his whereabouts like a GPS finder.
Access to all CC statements, bank statements and phone records. This way you can check his stories about his whereabouts. And they must go back farther that he states the beginning of the A.
There is a poster on these boards that is a forensic accountant. She was blindsighted by the A, but honey...with scalpel like presicion she parsed apart his doings and laid it out for him to see...HA!
Like a client once said, the internet is like toxic waste, nothing ever goes away!
His cyber history is available, ask him plainly for all passwords and all accounts.
Just because he gives them to you does not mean everything goes back to normal, there will never be a normal, ever again. The 'new normal' will come into play. And both of you will have to agree on new terms for this to work.
Do this in a calm manner. Business like. And the terms are NOT NEGOTIABLE. A OR B! Either he succumbs to your terms or all bets are off.
These are not frivolous requests. You need to know what is happening in your own life. For your sanity's sake. This is the only way for him to gain your trust and to feel safe.
And as far as 'his privacy' is concerned, he forfeited that concept when he abused 'his privacy' by being married and a having a 'girlfriend'!
Good Luck and HUGS sweet Lackingcourage!
Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.