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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Compassion versus settling
Tripletrouble
♀ Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, August 3rd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want something new. I do love him, but I know I'm strong enough to live without him. I'm choosing not to. Any deal breakers become involved, and I would have not a second thought at kicking him out.

For me this is where I am - trying R, but preparing for the worst. I love my life outside of the mess WH dumped on me and I know I'll be ok either way. But this thread is a great one, because I wrestle with this gorilla every stinking day.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 633 | Registered: May 2013
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Outstanding thread. And most ppl posted exactly how I feel.
It helps so much to know we're not alone....


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4768 | Registered: Dec 2010
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, August 4th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great to see this thread revived and to read the new responses. For me this is still a difficult concept to get my head around!


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 945 | Registered: Oct 2012
Arnold01
♀ Member
Member # 39751
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a great thread, and the responses are terrific. I just hope that someday I'll be at a point in my own healing to add insight and help others the same way all of you are helping me.

Being only six weeks into this mess, I am asking the same question. WH is what I believe to be a decent and good human being who made a huge mistake. But I spent the first three weeks after D-Day comforting him through his grief from having to give up the MOW. Now I learn he's broken NC, he's facing the prospect of NC again and can barely hold himself together over the thought of never seeing her or speaking to her again, and I find myself wishing I could ease his pain. How messed up is that?

This is of course in between my moments of total anger and recognition of how selfish and confused and in a fog he is. And in the past few weeks (but for the huge setback of NC), he was really doing the work, showing remorse, and having actions match words enough that it gave me the desire to continue toward R.

I recognize that at this moment (being only 48 hours since learning of NC), I am in a fog of my own and probably into "being his doormat" territory. But I am seriously asking this same question and feeling more and more resolve to stop being a doormat. All of this is to say that the fact that you recognize there is a difference between compassion and settling suggests to me that you already have a good mechanism by which to find that line and protect yourself (vs. if you weren't able to see the difference).

Good luck and keep us posted. Sounds like many of us are wrestling with the same question.


D-Day: June 2013 discovered two-month EA/PA
NC established: August 2013
Reconciling

Posts: 120 | Registered: Jul 2013
Tripletrouble
♀ Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been thinking about this a lot the last 48 hours. I think this thread has given me some insight. I would be a doormat to take back the self centered jerk I had 4 months ago. But this new guy he's working to become - well that guy is someone I could love and forgive, even if the trust is a long way off. Hmmm.....


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 633 | Registered: May 2013
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want something new. I do love him, but I know I'm strong enough to live without him. I'm choosing not to. Any deal breakers become involved, and I would have not a second thought at kicking him out.

This is where I'm at too. I have to admit I have not gotten to compassion yet, but I am not settling either. I have to give it more time before I know.

Our M pre-A was so out of balance. I was putting in 95% to the M and he was putting in about 5%. That has all changed. I needed it to change. If our M dynamic wasn't changing I was filing and I let WH know this.

Great thread!!!

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 6:08 PM, August 5th (Monday)]


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Those are some good questions.

For me, I think this is where I have made mistakes in the past, letting too many things go and settling because I was scared of leaving, scared of being alone, etc...

Now, it's less about having compassion vs. settling- and more about what makes me happy overall. The majority of my time with my stbh is happy. We care about each other. Most of the time, we respect each other and have respected each other. We work through problems together. We are best friends.

If things were to ever get to a point where I spent more time unhappy than happy with him- I would leave. Without fear.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, August 5th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This thread came at a time when I was thinking it.

I'm in MC and IC and feel like slowly disengaging from the R process. DD was mid March, dx of SA was about 6 weeks ago. I've been biding my time. I do see improvement in SAWH and I KNOW it takes time but at what cost? What no one (except me) seems to acknowledge is that I was ready to leave when I discovered the affair. Poor SAWH doesn't want to break up the family, but also doesn't seem to want to make the effort to put into a relationship with me and despite being told this time and time again by our MC that this is what is needed. So here I sit...waiting for what I don't know.

I was recently on a trip with friends - gone for 5 days - and I did not really miss H and I honestly don't think he missed me. So WTF are we clawing our way back towards? I keep waiting for a gesture from him or a sign of some sort.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 864 | Registered: Jun 2013
sparklezombie
♀ Member
Member # 40095
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, August 6th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This thread has been really helpful. I feel like a doormat for staying with WH for so long, with so much infidelity on his part. I can see why he does it, I see his brokenness and understand it. But does that mean I need to stay until he sees it and fixes it? It's hard. I feel like I would be happier alone, but then possibly regret not doing more to try to hang on to this marriage. I feel like if I stay I'm settling for a man who is damaged (not just flawed) and who has yet to really acknowledge and work on that damage.


BS: Me
WH: Husband
One daughter - 22 months
Married 11.5 years
2.5 false R's.
Status: Divorcing.
You can't pick up a turd by the clean end. Time to flush the toilet.

Posts: 247 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere on the Eastern Seaboard
Topic Posts: 29
Pages: 1 · 2

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