Is his feeling mad at the world, mad at the mess he's created, mad because of withdrawal / the loss of the OW (her husband made them cut it off), mad at himself (even if he doesn't admit that) part of the healing process? Until he gets past the anger and gets to a better place, I don't see how we can move forward. Thanks in advance for your thoughts - SI has been a lifesaver to me when I feel otherwise alone.
I hope you feel better. Take care.
I would ask him what he was angry about then, and he couldn't put it in words, probably because I would have kicked him in the balls knowing now that half of it was anger over having to end it. ....Now he tells me it was anger at himself, for the mess he had created, for not manning up and fixing himself, and finding Happy without looking for it from someone else, For seeing the pain he caused me, for it being out of his control, and knowing that he was 100% responsible for it.
It will take time for the Fog to completely clear, and if he is showing signs of anger, I would be sure to be looking and make sure NC is being maintained. Every single DAMN TIME he broke NC I was dealing with the Prick My H was during his entire A.
Real remorse, does not have a component of anger, to anyone other than themselves.
I think this WS anger is sometimes a manifestation of Narcissism, sometimes clinical depression, sometimes sociopathic trait or often it is a self protection mechanism very similar to the one BS's have.
If a WS admits ALL their faults, guilt and lies to themself at once, they could become overwhelmed with shame. Emotionally it could be a lot to deal with at once. The anger acts as a buffer to allow reality to slowly creep in.
For many BS we stuff our emotions down, focus anger on the OP or look to ourselves as a source of fault, because it can be pretty overwhelming if we allowed all our emotions to come bubbling to the surface at once and all focused at our WS. I think this is why it can take 2-5 years to heal. We process the emotions small chunks at a time because it would be overwhelming to do it all at once.
I think a lot of times we think it is just clever blameshifting and gaslighting. And maybe it is, but Josephine provides a good alternative rationale.
It's like when I'm feeling sad and I'm crying, I will stop if one of my kids gets hurt or is upset, my focus goes from myself to them. That's what I thought of when I read your post, like he knows you will be there for him if he's upset and angry so if he's acting angry, your focus is on making him feel better. So, yes, it does sound backwards. He should be making YOU feel better.
My WH left me so I really don't know, but when he initially left, he seemed calm and sure but there were times on the phone when he was angry. And I would think "why the heck is HE angry? he cheated and left ME" I'm still trying to figure him out and I don't think I ever will.
I do think that anger is at least a strong emotion. It means at least he cares about something!
Yup. Like a toddler whose candy was taken away
It was very clear to me that we were not going to be able to reconcile. Of course I held out hope, I prayed, I dragged him kicking & screaming to MC... All to no avail. His anger instead of remorse signaled loud and clear that the end was near.
He was angry at being caught and instead of being angry at OW, who outed him, tossing him right under the bus, but he took it out on me...more, taken out on me and kept threatening to leave.
I'm glad things are looking up and hope it will continue.
The times, they are'a changin'! -Bob Dylan
When I have to see him now, he has a face like thunder. I guess it's easier for him to be angry at me than to face his own behaviour and lack of morals.
After four months of IC and MC she decided she "didn't want to hurt me anymore" and just like that she hasn't raged since. The anger is under control, too.
She says, and the therapist does too, that the anger and rage are her defence mechanisms.
Apparently leaving the OM hurt (grrrrr), facing the mess she created hurts and having to accept that this is who she is, a person who cheated and lied is hard for her. No one wants to think of themselves as bad people.
Throughout our marriage I always forgave everything and was always there for her. So she felt it was OK to take it out on me. This came out in MC.
At first, I took it. The A was a shock to me and I didn't want to lose the wonderful person I thought I had.
As the months passed, I no longer see my WW as a wonderful person. Well, she's wonderful, but she made some painful and damaging choices. I decided not to chase her anymore and to set up boundaries. That's when she decided to control the rage. I believe the two are related.
Good luck with your situation. It's douchy on the part of WS to do this, but apparently it's also normal. It doesn't mean they don't care about you, it just means they don't respect your boundaries. It's up to you to enforce your own boundaries.
I NC-ed his butt on the spot. He started to sob and tell me he missed me. Oh well.
One of the reasons I now think he wouldn't try to R even if he wanted to down the line is because he knows the things he said to me...
[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 3:52 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]