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User Topic: Things the cheating Steals from the BS
Tripletrouble
♀ Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my personal list. I'm a listy type of person. I feel unorganized thoughts make my mind feel messy.

What my husband's infidelity has cost me, by Tripletrouble.

1. My sense of safety -the feeling that someone loves me and is committed to caring about my best interest. That my kids and I can count on him to be invested in our well being.
2. My self confidence. I used to be proud of the work I do and proud of my athletic achievements. Now I'm so distracted at work I've become sloppy (trying very hard to give my best work in spite of it). And all the work I did to get my body in peak shape? My WH joined AFF to sext with dozens of whores who apparently looked better than me.
3. Our marriage. IF it can be saved, it will always scarred by the horror of 2013.
4. Our children's secuity : two teens having their lives thrown in turmoil while in high school.
5. Risked his job - getting on a porn site at work. DUH
6. Risked our safety - what if a pissed off husband had shown up at our house?
7. Risked getting pictures from someone underage-signing up for AFF isn't going to stop a determined 16 year old. Possessing nude pics of a minor is a felony sex offense.
8. He's cost me friends - the ones I hide from because I'm not ready to tell- and one of two besties who will not agree with my choice because one says stay and one says go.
9. My health- back on antidepressants and anti anxiety meds. Can't sleep at night. Face has aged 5 years in two months.
10. Tons of $$$$$ for therapy - his, mine, and ours.
11. My vision for my future. I thought we would get old together. Now it's a swirling gray fog.
12. The biggest thing he took from me was everything. I can't look at any area of my life and feel the same. The past is darkened with the coming storm, and the future is blurry with uncertainty. My whole life is turned upside down.
13 I'm a cynic now. Everyman I look at I think "cheater POS". I can't imagine 40 years alone but I can't imagine 40 years feeling like a doormat. I don't believe mr right is out there waiting either.

I will close this lengthy post with this thought: cheaters suck.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 617 | Registered: May 2013
RedRaven6500
♀ Member
Member # 39626
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel this way too. I used to think, "my H would never cheat/treat me like that. He's too grounded, professional and just a good person. Cheating happens to others in bad relationships, not a solid relationship like ours."

BOOM - drops the hammer and my whole world feels destroyed!!!

7 years worth of cheating in my 21 year "stable" marriage.

I try sooooooo very hard every.single.day to not let the cynic in me win. As time goes by I'm getting better, but my happy go lucky fun side has taken a brutal hit. Which I hate. I feel I have to try to have fun, where it use to come naturally. Smh. I can really say, without a doubt, this is the hardest thing I've ever gone through, and I went through boot camp and deployments away from my family!


BW: Me 42, WH: Him 42, Married: 22 years
DD: 21, DS: 20 both in college
DDay: 22 Oct 2011
Year PAs/EAs started: 2004, possibly 2003
OW: 3 "serious" long-distance A's, several casual A's, some at the same time. Classy.
In R

Posts: 116 | Registered: Jun 2013
scangel3
♀ Member
Member # 36164
Default  Posted: 5:42 AM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They steel so much from us with their stupid selfish childish choices. I always planned to grow old together when I said my vows, planned on a "good" happy marriage. Our dreams were finally coming true. But they take that away from us, our memories are forever tainted, his vows on our wedding day mean nothing anymore to me. I feel so jilted towards marriage, feel bad for those taking that step in life.

They just suck, and suck everything out of us!!!


BS-me 31, WH-31, M'd-10 years
DD 8.5, DS 6, DS 5.5
Dday 03/01/10 (our DD's bday)
A ended 08/31/10-09/02-10 (with multiple ddays in between).TT on 08/2012, 09/04/12, 11/16/2012, 01/2013, 6/25/2013 Says he wants R, but not proving it

Posts: 714 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Portland
Sleepless22
♀ Member
Member # 36580
Default  Posted: 5:56 AM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Triple,

Change alot of the details but leave all the emotions and I completely agree. My future is so uncertain and I really thought I had found a good guy I could spend the rest of my life with. My vows meant everything to me and to this day I have never stepped out of my marriage. I was so committed to our family while he was doing all of this. OUr 6th anniversary was Sunday and I realize that I have been dealing with the fallout of infidelity through half of it. Just recovering from the first one then wham-o, another one happened.

The biggest thing he took from me was everything. I can't look at any area of my life and feel the same. The past is darkened with the coming storm, and the future is blurry with uncertainty. My whole life is turned upside down.

This is the one that hit it on the head for me. It changes everything...


Me-BS 33 Him- WH 35 (ptsdandhoping) 3 Kids 10, 5, 2, and one due 12/23.
DD1: 12/2/09-PA DD2: 05/25/12-EA with Ho-Worker;
Status: Reconciling, I think.
My life needs editing. Mort Sahl

Posts: 153 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Crazy Town
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I miss that smug feeling that I had when others had marital problems, because I knew that something so horrible could never happen to us.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7440 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
islesguy
♂ Member
Member # 38090
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

These are some of the things I stole from my wife:

1. Her life - all of the years she invested in me and our relationship
2. Her future - her trust in me or anyone else for ever
3. Her happiness & health - her mental state of mind has never and will never be the same
4. Her safety - I exposed her to disease
5. Our marriage - I broke our vows and ended our marriage
6. Our financial security - I risked our financial state
7. Our children's future - our relationship with our girls and their emotional state
8. Our past - will always be tarnished, there are no good memories now
9. Our future - even if we stay together our future we will never be what it should have been


Me: WH
Father of 3 beautiful girls

* I am a RS (Recovering Scumbag)
* Do as I say, NOT as I did. :-(
* I acknowledge the grace I have received. I know do not deserve it.


Posts: 185 | Registered: Jan 2013
TheBestMe
♀ Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He stole my right to be proud of my husband. I can not say anything good about him his LTA trumps everything. His choices have tainted everyday and everything over the past 7 or 8 years. Even this past July 4th, I looked back over my journals to see what was going on in my life and in our lives on July 4th since 2005. Damn it! I see that he lied to me and was with the ow.

Everyone is telling me to live in the present. My present is influenced by my past. That is what his cheating has stolen from me. The right to be happy and carefree in any given moment.


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 385 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
Dawn58
♀ Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your post. Cheaters do suck. What I lost with my bs - my innocence. My hopes and dreams for the future. My trust. My belief in love. Left me lost, shattered and heartbroken.

I hope to find myself now.


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 465 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
Jewlz
♀ Member
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for this list. I couldn't have written mine better!

It is extremely painful and sad that our lives are changed and what something so selfish has cost us. And the fact that it was done to us by the person who we thought loved us!

BUT, I do try to remember that out of the three of us, me, him and the OW, I am the one who still has my pride in who I am. I am not talking about #2 on your list because I am struggling with confidence at work and everywhere else but I still have my pride in honor and being a faithful, trustworthy person and wife.

When my daughter has boyfriend or husband issues, she will never go to her dad about things, she will come to me. The OW will also have to live with her choice to be part of breaking up a family and CHOOSING to be with a married man. (She knew me [pregnant] and knew he was married). She will either have to lie to her children about it or face what they might think of her one day if she wants to be honest with them. I don't have to worry about lying to my children and family.

Also, many of these things we will get back in time. But I think the losses and pain that our WH's will experience are more permanent and long-term. They may not surface now and it seems like we are hurting the most but they have hurt themselves more than anyone.


Me = BW, 35
Him = WH, 39
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
December 2013 - in R? limbo?

Posts: 116 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
Jennifer99
♀ Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a very similar list without making a list (why did I never think of that?!).

I'm just starting to look at things differently.

1. My sense of safety -the feeling that someone loves me and is committed to caring about my best interest. That my kids and I can count on him to be invested in our well being.

I am the one who should be caring about my best interest and that of my son, if WH doesn't then he is just like the other few billion people on the planet - not responsible for me or my safety (of any kind).

2. My self confidence.

I think my self confidence for most of my marriage was a lie to myself. I was always insecure if I reflect back. I'm working on that now, he didn't take it, I didn't have it, I'm going to get it.

3. Our marriage. IF it can be saved, it will always scarred by the horror of 2013.

I'm lowering the priority of "marriage" in my thinking. I'm healthy, I'm loving, my son is a blessing and my soul is whole - I am NOT a failure because my marriage may fail or if it doesn't survives scarred.

4. Our children's secuity : two teens having their lives thrown in turmoil while in high school.

This was a biggie for me - my son's security and sense of family and belonging. There's a thread in here somewhere about what a great gift he gave me this past weekend - absolution, saying he'll be ok no matter what (he is amazing and I believe him).

5. Risked his job - getting on a porn site at work. DUH

Mine got fired Can't get worse than that...oh wait it can - but fired for a cause so heinous he probably will never get another job if he discloses that job. dumbass.

6. Risked our safety - what if a pissed off husband had shown up at our house?

Yes he did but now I am aware. I feel better since he answered my questions about what she drives and where she goes so I can be aware and not count on WH for my safety, I'm ready all on my own at home or on the go.

8. He's cost me friends - the ones I hide from because I'm not ready to tell- and one of two besties who will not agree with my choice because one says stay and one says go.

He can't cost me friends - only I can cost me true friends and I won't.

9. My health- back on antidepressants and anti anxiety meds. Can't sleep at night. Face has aged 5 years in two months.

This was a HUGE hang up for me as I have been dealing with chronic and life-threatening autoimmune disorders for nearly 10 years and through it ALL he NEVER showed as much concern for me - working my ass off to take care of "us" all while barely surviving as he did HER. I'm over it. I'm going to get healthy and I'm going to feel great and then when he is old and decrepit I am going to laugh at him and pay whoever changes his diapers to use freezing cold cloths to wipe him up.

10. Tons of $$$$$ for therapy - his, mine, and ours.

WH wouldn't even consider IC until recently. I'll see if this becomes an issue. Mine is covered by my insurance for now.

11. My vision for my future. I thought we would get old together. Now it's a swirling gray fog.

This was another HUGE one for me. Isn't it funny how we have things planned in our heads, our dreams, like anything ever goes THAT right? I'm happy this happened now so I can use some of my energy learning to enjoy the present.

12. The biggest thing he took from me was everything. I can't look at any area of my life and feel the same. The past is darkened with the coming storm, and the future is blurry with uncertainty. My whole life is turned upside down.

Yep. And I flailed and fought and tried to get right side up for a whole year. Except up isn't up anymore. And upside down offers a very different view of things. Or all the blood rushing to my head upside down is clouding my thinking.

13 I'm a cynic now. Everyman I look at I think "cheater POS". I can't imagine 40 years alone but I can't imagine 40 years feeling like a doormat. I don't believe mr right is out there waiting either.

I'm counting this as a gift. After being gaslighted it is awesome to know I should have trusted my gut. My gut knows. My brain also tells me that there is no such thing as Mr. Right and that is OK cuz I'm not Mrs. Right either. I'm me and someone may someday love me for me and that may not last either but I'll enjoy gifts if and when I receive them MORE before they are gone - which I never did with WH.

I can't ever fix that or go back but I can sure as hell learn from it. Just like I did from nearly dying but I just forgot - every day is a gift even if it is spent in bed being sad, at least I can feel, at least I can hope, at least I can choose.

Yay for medicine!

I'm sure I will go round and round with these same feelings before I truly figure out how to make peace with them and resolve them but your post helped me realize that I am making progress and sometimes even my IC can't convince me of that.

Hugs to you and I hope before long your tripletrouble will have some triplehappy not because cheaters don't suck, they do - but because YOU don't. HUGS HUGS HUGS.


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
Tripletrouble
♀ Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. You all never stop amazing me with your compassion and humor. Thank you for all the responses. It makes me so much less lonely. Islesguy - I wish you would impart your wisdom on my WH. And Jennifer, your kind words are much appreciated.
I did forget one BIG thing stolen from me - my dignity. I had to have an STD panel, followed a few weeks later by a throat culture for oral gonorrhea and chlamydia. Here's the best part - for my insurance to pay they had to code the reason for the tests as risky sexual behavior. Just wow. I cried like a baby at the doctors office. Risky sexual behavior - for having sex with my husband.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 617 | Registered: May 2013
ElectricBlue
♀ Member
Member # 35110
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I cringed in pain while reading your list....all of it is the same for me.

(((Tripletrouble)))

Islesguy, if you really do understand all of the things on that list that you stole from your wife, you're on the right path. You are actually putting into words and saying "out loud" what many WS won't even admit to themselves, let alone admit to anyone else. I hope you keep doing the hard work, I hope you find your way back to your wife.


I'm the BW, 3 DDays since 2010....
6/28/12, the day I finally admitted to myself that nothing I did would ever matter to him, he's just broken. So I'm gonna just let go.....

Posts: 283 | Registered: Mar 2012
Topic Posts: 12

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