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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: TT
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Sad  Posted: 1:29 AM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did it. Today...well yesterday now.

It can happen so insidiously. I spoke a lie before I knew it and once it was out of my mouth I felt trapped. It would have been so much better, easier, healthier to face the honest truth when it was asked for. Instead I trapped myself and let it gnaw at my insides for weeks.

I knew I was going to have to bring it up. I won't go back to living with lies between us ever again. But it was never going to be the right time to set it right. It felt like working up to dday confession all over again. And I couldn't post for someone to kick me in the a$$ because he reads my posts.

And he said his gut was screaming it after I spilled it today. So I've tortured him again.

I'm feeling very strongly that I need to follow Aubrie's example and complete a timeline to make sure nothing like this ever happens again. Only I will have to do it without dates because I can't peice those together.

This set him back, us back, and me back.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 2:23 AM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TT kills, knightsbff. KILLS.

I can hear based on this post that you have an awareness of this.

Don't just feel strongly about the timeline, feel completely about it.

Something Crazz and I have in place when he kneejerk lies (a lot of the time I can tell) is that he has a "take a breath" grace period to retract and replace what he just said with the truth.

Awareness of his lying mechanism and intent to get rid of it is one step, but having something in place to correct the behavior is just as important.

I have a hunch you're hanging onto more than a few details. The fact that you feel that a timeline would be revealing kinda points to that.

It's scary. As a BS 2.5 years out I have compassion for that.

You want an authentic life with knight? You want to never surprise attack him with details?

Exorcise alllllll the demons. Little ones, big ones, awful ones... oh and those "not really a big deal" ones? Those too.

It will hurt, but it will free you both.

All the truth out = no new lies/hurts.

You can do it.


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17889 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 4:59 AM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

knightsbff,

BTDT. It sucks. I did it with a huge lie. It was mostly fear and a big part was habit...I had been lying for months, this lie just came out and once it's out it's out, and it's a terrible feeling when you realize you've done it again.

I waited months to tell LD. Good for you for telling right away.

You are in the thick of it now. It is really hard, but you can get through. Keep being truthful, keep talking and telling Knight what he needs to know, truthfully.

Something Crazz and I have in place when he kneejerk lies (a lot of the time I can tell) is that he has a "take a breath" grace period to retract and replace what he just said with the truth.
Excellent idea. LD used to say, take a breath before you answer, take a minute or two, because if the next thing that comes out of your mouth isn't the truth I don't want to hear it. Take time, just make sure it's the truth.

A timeline is a good idea.

Are you in IC/MC?

Edited to give you a hug (((((Knightsbff)))))

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:00 AM, July 9th (Tuesday)]


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38190 | Registered: Sep 2007
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a hunch you're hanging onto more than a few details. The fact that you feel that a timeline would be revealing kinda points to that.

The TT wasn't new information it was just he surprised me with a question about something I had confessed to doing. It put it even more into the harsh light of the reality of how hurtful and inconsiderate I was. I did come out with the very worse things I could think of on dday. I had been lurking here for a while and didn't want to TT so I thought I would prevent that by ripping off the bandaid and listing every horrible thing I could think of. BH hasn't asked for a timeline but I feel like. Writing a narrative will flesh out thoughts, feelings, or anything else he may want to know.

grace period to retract and replace what he just said with the truth

I thought I had conquered the knee jerk lying by pausing to think before speaking. Obviously not. This sounds like a good idea.

Are you in IC/MC?

We are both in IC.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Writing a narrative will flesh out thoughts, feelings, or anything else he may want to know.

Very true. I know people say "Write a timeline. Write a timeline" like it's akin to going to the store and picking up cereal.

In reality, it's got to be one of the hardest things for a WS to have to do. I don't envy you having to get going on that. I do support you, and I'm really proud that you're mustering up the courage to do it.

It's going to be ok. You guys are going to be ok.


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17889 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know people say "Write a timeline. Write a timeline" like it's akin to going to the store and picking up cereal.

Right as usual Jrazz. Hardest. Thing. Ever.

And I don't know if I will ever be able to call it complete. The A ended approximately 16 months ago and from EA to PA lasted around 3 years so it's hazy. I made a skeleton then keep adjusting it because I'm just not sure and keep adding details but am not exactly sure where in the order of things to put them.

Has anyone struggled with trying to get an accurate timeline when chronological order is VERY sketchy?


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In reality, it's got to be one of the hardest things for a WS to have to do.
For sure. The most difficult things for me was confessing. The time line was a close second. Pure agony.

Has anyone struggled with trying to get an accurate timeline when chronological order is VERY sketchy?
There's no way I would ever remember specific dates and what events happened on what dates. Between all 4 As, it's safe to say that pretty much every day of the year is tainted in some way.

Some things I was able to say, "Oct 22, 2011 I did XYZ." But for the most part, I just wrote in a kind of story form. Dates were a blur for me. They ran into one another. However, what I could recall was alot of the conversations and actions I did during the As.

(((Knightsbff))) I feel your pain. You can do this. We'll be here for you. Holler if you need anything.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6321 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Aubrie,

This is really nerve wracking.

Because it isn't something he's asked for I'm writing it more for me at this point. But I feel sure he will want to read it so I'm trying to keep that in mind too.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Topic Posts: 8

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