If it were me, I would be very skeptical he is not still seeing OW. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be hurtful. I know you want this to work but if he "isn't in love with you" what choice do you have?
I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. Please don't accept anything else for YOU.
Turn the table on him & tell him after much consideration YOU don't see how you can let a cheater & liar into YOUR valuable, safe (boundary observant)-soon to be happy-life.
You can't accept the slovenly treatment of him because it isn't right. It makes you crazy. 180 read in healing library about 180. I need a refresher if you want to talk about it.
Be strong sister. You are not alone. I don't know where you live but maybe you can get counseling & support you aren't aware of. Check yellow pages under women's services. Often Catholic church counsels, in non-denominational manner, no charge. I was ready to call suicide hotline for help during an anxiety filled evening. I didn't but it could be used in the manner I was feeling. You could as well.
Things seem overwhelming right now because you have been hit by a train but are still living. Hang on, hang in there.
If he's not giving you what you need to heal, don't keep giving him the best of you. He's not in love with you? Fine. Let him get a taste of what life will be like without you. Move him to a guest room or the couch, no more sex, no more favors, no more doing his laundry, etc.
I'm so sorry you're going through this :(
It's something of a red flag for me, I'm sorry to say.
I found a counselor who lowered her rates dramatically when she heard my story, so there are some out there who may do that for you, as well, if you choose. There are also free centers based on social services that counsel. I've called them in the wee hours of night, in order to get through the night and they are trained in separation and divorce, too. They knew all the lingo and really helped.
I find myself surprised at my own advice because it took so long for me to realize things weren't going to work the way I wished, but now what I wish for others is, we don't have to accept someone's crumbs. I don't mean it to be harsh and understand it takes a long time to let feelings go for someone who hurt us, but we don't have to accept it. We just have to let our minds accept that there may be other things.
STBX was the love of my life, as was marriage and it was ultimately me who filed, though it emotionally wrecked me. People told me they were shocked and so did he, thinking I had no courage, but you know what? We all do...we just have to let ourselves dare to think there could be something more or something else out there waiting for us.
The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge
How are you doing Ouch? Checking in on you! Take care of yourself!
Sometimes it takes drastic measures to get a WS to remove his head from his ass.
Start with the 180 - for YOU...so you can survive if the M does not.
I did tell him last night that I'm tired of him treating me like a doormat and he needed to start talking to me and working on this with me TODAY or he needed to leave. That scared him but will it get him to open up?
IMO, this may be what needs to happen. It worked for me (except I left, but the circumstances were different with regard to our home and the kids were grown). It is HARD. I will not lie.
I hate to belabor suggesting counseling, but in all honesty, and again, IMO, this is something that the BS cannot "fix" in the WS - need to get to the root of his issues as to why he did this in the first place.
He's cake-eating (having the "security" of his wife but having a "no responsibilities" OW on the side)...there's a saying here...Close the Bakery.
Have you really examined why it is that you don't want this to be the end of the relationship, when he is telling you that he's not in love with you, he isn't willing to help you heal or figure out why he has cheated multiple times?
I know it's hard to leave a marriage or relationship that spans over many years- but if he isn't in love with you and isn't doing the work to reconcile, I'm not sure there's a relationship there to salvage. You may find, down the road, you are happier by letting him go. Just something to think about- you can't do all the work in the relationship. He needs to step up, commit, and prove that he truly loves you.