Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Dragonfly111502 (45331)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I think I am at the end of this rope :(
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's throwing you a lot of ego kibbles right now HUM. Tread carefully. He needs to PROVE he has changed not just tell you he has.

My first XH was a lawyer...he did the exact same behaviors that led to a separation that your XSO has done. When we separated he moved heaven and earth to get back with me. The changes didn't last long, maybe a year but by then I was pregnant...and I stayed 13 more years...years I wish I hadn't wasted on him. After periods of "good behavior" he went back to all of his previous functioning alcoholic behaviors...all of them...and more...

Be very careful! He needs to sustain this change and his past history indicates he doesn't really "get it"...I would watch from the sidelines for awhile, not agree to reconcile, wait and see how long he can sustain the change when you aren't committing to reuniting!

A suggestion: While he is reading "Men are From Mars" you should be reading "Co-Dependent No More" by Melodie Beattie.


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3207 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
HappilyUnMarried
♀ Member
Member # 21299
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, the good thing you guys all need to know... It's been a week and I haven't gone back. Haven't even had a face-to-face. I gave him homework and told him we wouldn't even start a dialog until he's done. He's not even close. Although he did file for D today, which I thought was interesting.

Meanwhile, I am getting stronger and I know that I won't tolerate this behavior anymore. Just being apart had helped me see the forest through the trees.

Don't know what will happen, but I really know that I am in the drivers seat. So if I do end up giving him another chance (which is iffy at this point), one strike he's out. I'm more worthy than this.

Thanks for the heavy 2x4s. I need them sometimes...


True happiness comes from within, not from someone else.† Donít make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy

Posts: 1291 | Registered: Oct 2008
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the heavy 2x4s. I need them sometimes...

I (obviously) don't remember specifics about your relationship (since I thought he hung up on you but that must have been someone else whose SO hung up on them) so no 2X4s, but a book recommendation "It's Called a Break-up Because It's Broken" by one of the people who wrote "He's Just Not That Into You." Might give you more food for thought as you're waiting for him to finish his book :)


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3404 | Registered: Dec 2011
HappilyUnMarried
♀ Member
Member # 21299
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Update:

Well, SO has come through big time. I refused to see him, talk to him, for 10 days. Made extreme demands. Yes, I was a bitch at times. I think I subconsciously wanted to run him off. But he didn't give up on me. This is like night and day after my XH. I'm not used to someone trying to prove his love and not vice versa.

He read the entire book and sent me notes with quotes on how it pertained to us. Said the book opened his eyes. Realizes how much things have gone wrong because of different communication styles. He sent me amazing flowers at work. Love notes. Finally wore me down and insisted that we meet so he can tell me some things. He sat me down last night and told me how he really wants to change, that he was sorry how he hurt me, he just didn't understand, and now he really, really does. He told me he needs me to be frank with him, always. That I need to help him understand my needs. His role in life is to make me happy. That he never, ever felt this way before. Never. Never had an "equal" before. He wants "us" for life. I am his soul-mate. He went on and on about how much he loves me, respects me and feels like he is the luckiest guy on earth to have me. Just like I am.

He actually filed for divorce after 31 years; S for 18 months. It's going to be ugly, but he said he did it for me, for "us". He knew, even though I never asked him to D his W, it was the big fat elephant in the room. It kept us from taking our relationship to the next level.

He didn't have to do this. He has many women chopping at the bit. He could play around. He says he has no desire to look at another woman. I have never felt so wanted, cherished, loved. Ever. I do love him.

Anyway, I am very happy. Maybe he needed to actually lose me to see what he had lost. He admitted he felt so comfortable with me and probably took me for granted. But he wanted me to know, even though it didn't seem like it at times, I was the focus of his life. After our talk, his showing me sincerity and vulnerability, I am really sure now he's the one. And he knows it too. More than ever. Maybe we both needed this seperation to see it.

Bad part is that his DS21 is very angry at his dad now for filing for D. It's going to be ugly. His W and DS are living in a fantasy world. One thing that is important: he didn't leave his W for an OW. He waited and waited until his son turned 21. Didn't make a difference, his son still is angry at him.

Anyway, it will be a tough few months ahead, but I'll be there for him. And I really have no doubt he'll be there for me now.

Thanks for all of you for helping me process this. But I am finally sure that I am making the right decision.

[This message edited by HappilyUnMarried at 10:26 PM, July 18th (Thursday)]


True happiness comes from within, not from someone else.† Donít make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy

Posts: 1291 | Registered: Oct 2008
hurtinky
♀ Member
Member # 26152
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why is the divorce going to be ugly? I thought they were married on paper only, because he wanted to stay on her insurance?

Is it possible that he was telling his wife one thing and you another? If so, she might, understandably, feel like you are at least somewhat like an OW.

Something about this doesn't sound right.

At the very least, I just cannot fathom why you would want to get caught up in this mess.


Me --> BS
D-Day 10-1988
D-Day 9-12-2005
S 9-13-2005
D 3-6-12



Posts: 1500 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Kentucky
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay...so either I'm an asshole or everybody else is chicken... let's go with I'm an asshole:


HON

I get that you are thrilled with his decision and his words, and he read a book... I get how wonderful it feels that he is willing to fight to keep you! But all this is to date is words, and intentions, and a book read. Please slow down!!

He is Separated 18 months from a 30 + year marriage... and probably shouldn't even be dating ! He has been seeing you for 6 months, and being really selfish about it too. You break it off - he files - son is pissed... Yes, this is going to get ugly!! And you are going to be right in the middle of it... doing what?

I'm not saying people can't change... and maybe that is what he intends and will pull off...but I don't think that extroverts can change into introverts...

What I do think is you are about to have a front row seat to witness how he handles a LOT of stress. Observe - this is good to know...But there are a lot of questions still to be answered here. Can he live long term with out all the attention and validation from his friends? Will he do as he intends with sensitivity, or will you have to nag him? How will he handle his son's anger? Is he one of those guys who can't stand to be alone?

There is going to be a long battle here, and I'm not saying walk away - I get that you are invested - but please do not disengage your brain, keep watch for red flags. Because as great as you feel when you are with him - not everyone we love is good for us. And I don't think you can have a clear picture after a six month part time relationship on the heels of a 30 year marriage.

Now I'm tip-toeing out... this is just MHO - and only worth what you paid for it: You can ignore me if you like.


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4129 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wait, . . .he has dated many, many women and has many, many ex-girlfriends?

He's only been separated 18months?

So are these hangeroners from 32 years ago, or all these women that he's somehow dated in 18 months?
or women he serial cheated with, while married?

He's read a book, quoted it back to you, and you know he 's the one? Really?

He's divorcing for you? HUGE red flag!!!!!

I am quite concerned for your heart!


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 350 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
little turtle
♀ Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All he had to do was read a book and you took him back??

He is divorcing his wife for you??

Please keep your heart guarded. He hasn't changed anything at this point. Why is his son mad?? Things don't make sense.


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4202 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
KVille
♀ Member
Member # 29071
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be careful of your heart. This man has so many ex girlfriends that are still his friends because he is fun.Bet they don't want a relationship with him just to hang around for fun.
Been there done that.

After mine "got" me he married another friend.


never ever getting back together

Posts: 167 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: North Carolina
HappilyUnMarried
♀ Member
Member # 21299
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay guy, yes. 2x4s. I get it. Who says this relationship shit makes people sane?

Reality. Here it is.

I am rationalizing. But I want to stay in this relationship until I am unhappy, if ever.

My heart? Never in any of my posts said I was crying because of this. I was eating. I went out. I never moped. So I know I can survive a heartbreak with him. I love him. But I'm not head-over-heals infatuated. I think this is good for me now.

The other thing is... Being with him is fun. I socialize much more than I do when I'm alone. It's good for me! Otherwise I just hang out at home or with a couple of close friends. He lives in a downtown condo... I live in suburbia USA. I don't worry about anything when I spend weekends downtown! He takes care of everything... I never stress! It's like a non-drug Valium for me. He takesme to dinners, dancing. We always have fun. What am escape from stressful work, kids, money issues. All that "single mom of 3" stress. He's romantic... He loves me back. It's fun. I've never ever had anything like this iny life!

Anyway, he's not perfect either am I. He's a procrastinator, so am I. He avoids his issues, and doesn't like to confront them. Neither do I. He didn't want to piss of his W, that's the real reason he hasn't filed. Even though she cheated on him. She never would accept it. It had to end sometime and now his DS21 is mad (although they have now worked it out)

Anyway, sorry, but thanks guys. I just need to face my "real" motives and stop rationalizing. Rationalizing has always been an unhealthy coping mechanism to me.


True happiness comes from within, not from someone else.† Donít make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy

Posts: 1291 | Registered: Oct 2008
WhiteWolfWinning
♀ Member
Member # 12475
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My heart? Never in any of my posts said I was crying because of this. I was eating. I went out. I never moped. So I know I can survive a heartbreak with him. I love him. But I'm not head-over-heals infatuated. I think this is good for me now.

With all due respect, HUM, this paragraph is at odds with your original post.

If your feelings about him are really this cavalier, then why are you making demands on him? If you are this casual, why in the world would you expect him to "change" for you?

Wolf


Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply, Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God

Thank you, Lord, for the lightness of my burdens


Posts: 8233 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: midwest
ArkLaMiss
♀ Member
Member # 14918
Default  Posted: 1:28 AM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HUM, this guy is just a good time Charlie. He's fun. Is he, however, the type that can and will change because he WANTS to and not because YOU want him to? I think it's all about the chase for him.
Please don't get sucked in. There are red flags flying EVERYWHERE.


Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

Posts: 1203 | Registered: Jun 2007
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ten days? HUM, when I said see sustained change, I was thinking like a YEAR.

You say you are rationalizing. I wholeheartedly agree.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13798 | Registered: Jul 2011
Topic Posts: 53
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3

Return to Forum: New Beginnings Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.