It takes time to intertwine two lives so it follows that undoing it will take time.
Whenever I have pangs of empathy for the sad clown and his sad, sad life I force myself to remember his eyes as he lied right to my face. I force myself to remember his eyes when he swore on our then not yet born children's heads that he would never, ever cheat on me again.
I was sitting here reading through this thread thinking "my god - that could have been me. I could have easily believed him had he made a bigger effort in feigning remorse".
I have just realised my first DD was in July 2003 - almost 9 years to the day from the DD that brought me here.
That is when I got him to confess to sleeping with a friend of his visiting from the US a mere 6 weeks into our relationship. I knew he did but rugswept at an Olympic level. I got him to confess by offering him an amnesty - all truth, right now, no consequences. Clean slate.
When he confessed I told myself he didn't love me back then - that was when I thought they didn't cheat when they REALLY loved you. And boy, he sure did love me - you should have seen the love bombing.
I told him then that if he ever cheated again I would turn my back on him. Didn't matter if I found out 20 years later, after 10 kids and a hundred grandkids. I would walk away and never look back.
It took me a further 3m False R and I still would be in that M today had he not walked away from me.
His complete lack of remorse was a gift - one that took me about 4 months on top of 9 years and 3 months to see as a gift.
I am so very sorry friend. I hope you find your anger soon - mine protected me when I could not (would not) protect myself. It burned so hot that it fueled me as I began detaching from him and detaching him from me.
You might want to have a peek in the codependent thread in the ICR forum just in case it rings any bells.
I have a quote I used that helped me forgive myself for still wishing he wanted R "The harder you work the harder it is to surrender".
I've surrendered and the anger is gone - as has most of the pain. The pain I deal with know is for the years I wasted investing in that bad bet and for having children with him.
Ironically I proceeded knowing full well that if I was ever sick, infirm, disfigured or disabled he would not take care of me. I knew I would take care of him.
That is but one of the sticks I find the hardest to stop beating myself with. But I'm getting there.
You will get through this. Find your anger - detach as much as you can. Fake it till you make it, one day you'll realise you're no longer faking it.