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Newest Member: JRconfused (45363)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Almost 6 years in R, and now here I am.
♂ Member
Member # 17977
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the condolences and words of support, folks. They're greatly appreciated right now.

Overall, I'm doing pretty well. Due in part to the fact that I guess I've come to the realization that she's been checked out of the marriage for over a year, or at least so her actions have indicated. And honestly... my home life really isn't that much different now than it has been over the past few years. I'm still at home by myself, going through my daily routine, taking care of the yard, cleaning the house, and spending time with with our (*my) dogs.

The only difference now is the added benefit that I no longer care or worry about wtf she's up to or with whom.

Silver linings, right?

Oh, and I've got a contractor at home gutting the master suite as we speak. That room definitely needs the slate wiped clean for a fresh start.

BH 42 - WW 33 - Two 4-legged kids
Married 6 yrs - together 13
D-day 9/29/07

Posts: 319 | Registered: Jan 2008
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, and I've got a contractor at home gutting the master suite as we speak. That room definitely needs the slate wiped clean for a fresh start.
Does it ever!

Hang in there, crush3d.

You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana

Posts: 25765 | Registered: Aug 2011
♂ Member
Member # 17977
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just got back from the first face-to-face meeting I've had with STBXW in over 6 weeks. We met somewhere neutral to compare respective drafts of our separation agreement.

Went about as well as could be expected, I suppose. She's thinking over my counter - which I feel is more than fair. I won't go into details here until after things are finalized, of course.

I thought I'd be able to just turn it off... we were discussing minor stuff at this point... dishes, linens, etc, and I offered that "any items that were given to you/us which were something OF your family's, you should take. Like the wedding toast glasses from your parents..."

Boom. Queue the waterworks. Seriously... WTF. And why am I still feeling sorry for her, why do I STILL have compassion and sympathy for the position she's put herself in?

I just want to NOT feel anything about her anymore and I can't seem to find the goddamn switch.

[This message edited by crush3d at 5:27 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]

BH 42 - WW 33 - Two 4-legged kids
Married 6 yrs - together 13
D-day 9/29/07

Posts: 319 | Registered: Jan 2008
♂ Member
Member # 23014
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It takes time dude. Don't kick yourself. My WW called me on Monday to tell me she is going to detox for 30 days. It had no more effect than if a person from work told me the same. We have been apart for 15 months. You will get there.

Posts: 474 | Registered: Feb 2009
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:34 AM, September 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It takes time to intertwine two lives so it follows that undoing it will take time.

Whenever I have pangs of empathy for the sad clown and his sad, sad life I force myself to remember his eyes as he lied right to my face. I force myself to remember his eyes when he swore on our then not yet born children's heads that he would never, ever cheat on me again.

I was sitting here reading through this thread thinking "my god - that could have been me. I could have easily believed him had he made a bigger effort in feigning remorse".

I have just realised my first DD was in July 2003 - almost 9 years to the day from the DD that brought me here.

That is when I got him to confess to sleeping with a friend of his visiting from the US a mere 6 weeks into our relationship. I knew he did but rugswept at an Olympic level. I got him to confess by offering him an amnesty - all truth, right now, no consequences. Clean slate.

When he confessed I told myself he didn't love me back then - that was when I thought they didn't cheat when they REALLY loved you. And boy, he sure did love me - you should have seen the love bombing.

I told him then that if he ever cheated again I would turn my back on him. Didn't matter if I found out 20 years later, after 10 kids and a hundred grandkids. I would walk away and never look back.

It took me a further 3m False R and I still would be in that M today had he not walked away from me.

His complete lack of remorse was a gift - one that took me about 4 months on top of 9 years and 3 months to see as a gift.

I am so very sorry friend. I hope you find your anger soon - mine protected me when I could not (would not) protect myself. It burned so hot that it fueled me as I began detaching from him and detaching him from me.

You might want to have a peek in the codependent thread in the ICR forum just in case it rings any bells.

I have a quote I used that helped me forgive myself for still wishing he wanted R "The harder you work the harder it is to surrender".

I've surrendered and the anger is gone - as has most of the pain. The pain I deal with know is for the years I wasted investing in that bad bet and for having children with him.

Ironically I proceeded knowing full well that if I was ever sick, infirm, disfigured or disabled he would not take care of me. I knew I would take care of him.

That is but one of the sticks I find the hardest to stop beating myself with. But I'm getting there.

You will get through this. Find your anger - detach as much as you can. Fake it till you make it, one day you'll realise you're no longer faking it.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 5:43 AM, September 27th (Friday)]

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
♂ Member
Member # 17977
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SBB, thanks so much for the thoughtful and detailed reply. And you can rest assured that I've already found my anger.

The 4 or 5 weeks between her pulling the plug on this last attempt at R and our first face-to-face meeting last week was filled to the brim with anger, spite, resentment, bitterness, rage... you name it.

"The harder you work the harder it is to surrender"

Ain't THAT the friggin truth?! For nearly 6 years, I busted my ass, working to bury the hurt and overcome the betrayals (those that I knew about at the time), and rebuilding my own sense of worth and self esteem. I made sacrifices in my career to allow hers to progress - which is what I felt would help her gain her own confidence. Boy did THAT one backfire in my face...

But even having done all that work, since she decided "she couldn't do this anymore", its been incredibly easy to detach from HER personally. I find what I miss isn't her directly... its the things we enjoyed doing together, our future goals and plans. Those are things I feel a sense of loss over. That and the wasted years. So much time... simply wasted. I can't think of any other way to describe it.


The 'moving on' part? That's been easy. No hangups about feeling guilty or that I'm substituting someone else for her or 'settling'. I realllly hope she noticed evidence of that while she was packing up her shit last week, too!

Yet even still... I couldn't help but be overcome with sympathy for her as she broke down when I initially stated that I wasn't going to allow her in the house unsupervised while she packed her things. It became clearly evident to me in that moment that her ultimate reality check had finally hit home.

But, the 'big' issues have been sorted now, and we're just ironing out smaller details now. So here's hoping the rest of the ordeal will go smoothly... and I won't have to see her til next spring when she comes to collect her motorcycle and a few other things. Fingers crossed, everything goes smoothly between now and then.

Thanks again for all the advice and support, everyone...

BH 42 - WW 33 - Two 4-legged kids
Married 6 yrs - together 13
D-day 9/29/07

Posts: 319 | Registered: Jan 2008
Topic Posts: 26
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