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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: He's just not that into you....or is he?
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Question  Posted: 7:16 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SO...Triathlon dad leaves for Atlanta for a week today....and comes back next Wednesday. Our 2nd date for this past Monday, he had to cancel because he had a report he had to get done before he left for this trip...

Should I text him that I hope he has a good trip or is it best at this point (since we've only had one date) to wait it out and see if he contacts me again? Its at the "Will he poof or not poof" stage and I don't want to appear as a "stage 5 clinger!"

I just really enjoyed our date and hope that I will get the chance to see him again. But, if I don't....then I can at least write it off as a good dating experience....

I guess I wasn't sure if guys like it for a girl to text them or if its best to leave the next move up to him?


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2717 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
spareparts
♂ Member
Member # 33434
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Shelly

I would suggest you are WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY over thinking this whole thing after 1 date. The whole profile up or down stuff and now this. I get that you like the guy, and I get why you are nervous, but I think you should just be yourself

If you want to text the guy to wish him a safe trip, then do it. If one text makes him think you are a stalker then chances are this isn't the guy for you. If on the other hand you don't feel that you need to text him as it has only been one date, then don't.

By pretending or trying to be someone or something else and worrying about how he perceives you, are you not just trying to be someone you are not?

As I say if YOU WANT to text him then do it, if not then, meh he's a big boy he can text you if he wants. Let go of the outcome and just enjoy it whilst it lasts.


Posts: 515 | Registered: Sep 2011
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know there's a common feeling out there that the man should do the pursuing, because guys need to feel that they conquer their woman, like she's a prize that they win.

If you subscribe to that and agree with it, then wait for him to contact you. Otherwise, go ahead and express a little interest by sending the text. If a woman I was into sent me a text like that, I'd be delighted. Then again, I might not be a typical guy.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
CrappyLife
♂ Member
Member # 37630
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have never dated anyone except WW. What I know from a guy's perspective, a simple text like 'have a good trip' shows that you are interested and would like to take meet again. That is something that would calm my nerves also.

I dont think the lady should always wait for the guy to contact and then respond. That might come across as 'not interested'. Guys like me would find it difficult to always take the lead. Need some reassurance that the other person is also interested. So, if you feel comfortable, go ahead and send that message.

[This message edited by CrappyLife at 8:22 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]


BBF-turned-BH: 28 (Me)
WGF-turned-WW: 28 (EmotionalFool)
POS1: a 'friend'? WW believed it was my 'best friend'!
POS2: her senior at work!
Together - 6 years
Married - 1.5 years
D-Day- 15/10/12

Don't know where we are headed..


Posts: 276 | Registered: Nov 2012
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If a woman I was into sent me a text like that, I'd be delighted. Then again, I might not be a typical guy.

I think I will... the typical ME wants to and its not like I'm gonna make a shrine with his picture and candles later or anything!

I would suggest you are WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY over thinking this whole thing after 1 date.

You are totally right! I WAY overanalyze things! (I hate that about myself!) and I'm a people-pleaser.... which is bad! I think I'm just gonna go out on a limb and send the text dang it!!

I dont think the lady should always wait for the guy to contact and then respond. That might come across as 'not interested'. Guys like me would find it difficult to always take the lead. Need some reassurance that the other person is also interested. So, if you feel comfortable, go ahead and send that message.

I think I just will! I have nothing to lose right?

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 8:29 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2717 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
hurtinky
♀ Member
Member # 26152
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am firmly in the camp that believes if a man likes you, you won't be wondering if he likes you.

I wouldn't send the text. I wouldn't contact him. The ball is in his court.

Personally, if someone broke a date with me because they had to do a report, I'd never want another date with them. Ever.

[This message edited by hurtinky at 8:48 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]


Me --> BS
D-Day 10-1988
D-Day 9-12-2005
S 9-13-2005
D 3-6-12



Posts: 1500 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Kentucky
SoHappyNow
♀ Member
Member # 8923
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My SO is a VERY traditional "manly man". I come from the era that waited for the man to make the first move (except for Sadie Hawkins Day).

But......since we became friends first, I felt a bit comfortable with being the one to initiate contact some of the time. And he told me that he likes being the one who receives the calls sometimes. I am extroverted and bubbly so I always enjoyed calling him and saying something a little nutty to get him laughing and then saying "bye" and hanging up.

Long story short: if your personality is a "reacher outer", then be yourself and text him!
Then the next move is his, but at least you get to stay true to yourself.

[This message edited by hit-by-a-train at 9:14 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]


In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer..Albert Camus
**Beloved hubby died at home 1/28/2013, age 61..** God sent me two good men in a row......and saved the best for last. Remarried 2/14/14, grief and joy....

Posts: 2287 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: USA
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shelly, like you i'm aware that i tend to get overly invested too soon, and to almost get high from the attention and affirmation. FOO- got very little as a kid. One of the best things i learned in my last go around w early dating is to consciously refocus on my life, my friends and family while i was getting excited about dates. i also really paused and slowed down my contact. it helped me stay centered.

if you text him, then i think you might be waiting for a response and analyzing that which will pull you off your center.

It's so important to do self centering practices when you are a people pleaser on the edge of your seat wanting affirmation.

I suggest NOT texting. He broke the last date with you. You agreed to that date so he knows you are receptive too him. The ball is really in his court. Give him space to get back to you in his own time. Let him miss you. Get busy w your own life. Remind yourself you don't need him and his attention. Take extra good care of yourself.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. dating again, living in the sticks with a cat. It's taking a long time to create new dreams and a new life but it is slowly coming together.

Posts: 5798 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

D/p

[This message edited by InnerLight at 9:15 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. dating again, living in the sticks with a cat. It's taking a long time to create new dreams and a new life but it is slowly coming together.

Posts: 5798 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm generally not bothered by initiating contact with a guy. I don't see anything wrong with it.

Since you brought up concerns about coming across as a "stage 5 clinger", let me ask - what has your communication with him been like so far?

The "stage 5 clingers" I encountered did much of the following (i.e. don't follow their examples ):
-one text from me received 5-10 texts in response from the clinger, and their content was often further and further from the reason I texted (sort of "text rambling" if you will)
-the clinger would text/email/etc. a few hours later to check up on whether I had received something if I didn't respond
-the clinger would send random, unsolicited "hope you're doing well" texts daily even after I expressed that I wasn't interested and stopped responding
-the clinger put me on a pedestal almost immediately, and would communicate over and over how great I was, how great the date(s) was(were), how much they were looking forward to seeing me, etc. even though we had no established connection beyond an initial meeting or two.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13690 | Registered: Jul 2011
hurtinky
♀ Member
Member # 26152
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exactly what Inner Light said.

You are getting some advice to text him so that he knows you are interested. But, like IL said, he already knows that because you accepted a second date with him.

The ball was left very firmly in his court when he broke the date. To do a report. And, it appears he hasn't contacted you since. So, exactly what is it that you like so much about this man? I don't get it.


Me --> BS
D-Day 10-1988
D-Day 9-12-2005
S 9-13-2005
D 3-6-12



Posts: 1500 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Kentucky
CrappyLife
♂ Member
Member # 37630
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh.. I kinda overlooked the part of him cancelling the date. Now, it depends whether you should respond or not.

How did he cancel? Did he call? Or just text?

If he called and you talked about it in a mature way, I guess you can send him the message.

If he just texted about the cancellation, I think you should be weary of sending him this text.


BBF-turned-BH: 28 (Me)
WGF-turned-WW: 28 (EmotionalFool)
POS1: a 'friend'? WW believed it was my 'best friend'!
POS2: her senior at work!
Together - 6 years
Married - 1.5 years
D-Day- 15/10/12

Don't know where we are headed..


Posts: 276 | Registered: Nov 2012
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

let me ask - what has your communication with him been like so far?

VERY Passive! I haven't initiated contact at all except to thank him for dinner after our 1st date! He has been the one to start text conversations and to call me up on the phone twice. I've let him come to me...which is totally out of my usual nature...but I didn't want to seem too overly eager!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2717 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well crap....too late...I've already sent it. But, it was just a "I wish you a safe and well trip" type of text and I will not be sending anymore.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2717 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
missherlots
♂ Member
Member # 30591
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

why the rush to find out either way?

Is there a control issue underneath?

learn how to enjoy the whole process of dating?

my two cents.


Pain and suffering is part of life, but I choose to feel love and compassion for all people excluding no one.

Posts: 96 | Registered: Jan 2011
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shelly, the advice to focus on yourself and let him be interested in you, that advice is for you, you know that right? It's not about how you appear to him, it's about how you actually live.

You texted him a normal, single text. This isn't a right or wrong move. It's just a text. I think you're overanalyzing even the fact that you are overanalyzing at this point.

Get out of your head. Find something else to do. Find something else to focus on. Put your phone away. Stop thinking about him. Take Piper to the park or a playground or something. Do some shopping. Bake cookies to take to a senior center. Do something that has nothing to do with this guy who you've met all of once, and focus on the wonderful lady who is there every day of your life (yourself!).


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13690 | Registered: Jul 2011
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh I'm not worried about him right now! I had a nice workout during lunch and am feeling good! I even spent my lunch break yesterday getting my nails and my toes done so I could feel girlie! AND, I've already made plans to go running tonight with my running team and am running Saturday with my hash group followed by a nice pool party afterwards! I'm going to keep living my life and if he wants to go on a 2nd date...great...if not.... the next guy will be lucky enough to!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2717 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okie Dokie....his response was as follows,

"Thanks Shelly...I'm looking forward to working without interruptions"

Alrighty then.....he will get crickets from me on that lovely note...


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2717 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Thanks Shelly...I'm looking forward to working without interruptions"

Hmmm...am I the only one who took that as "don't bother me while I'm away please"?


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13724 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I try not to read too much into texts, but he's already cancelled two dates. The ball is definitely in his court and he needs to step up his game in a big way to recover. That isn't it.

Posts: 3344 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
Topic Posts: 53
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