I read the Wayward section a lot. I think I've shared my story here before but this post makes me want to share again......mostly because I don't want any of you to EVER be in my ex-husband's shoes....or your spouse in mine.
My husband had an affair in 2007. It devastated me....and him. We were high school sweethearts and had a very close and unique relationship.....one that people would've never dreamed would end. After a few months he ended the affair and for the next year and a half, he was the model WS. He was totally open and honest. He treated me like like a princess. We had so many conversations about his affair. He would do everything he could to make me feel secure. He was very humble. His heart and actions were so incredibly amazing for that year and a half. He would constantly assure me that he never wanted to be that person again and knew he would never cheat again.
4 1/2 years ago my greatest fear began again. He got involved with another woman, although I didn't know it for 9 months because he was so good at covering his tracks. But the person who cared so much about my heart seemed like he was gone forever. I finally found out and filed for divorce. Right before the divorce was to be final, he ended the affair, left his job, and committed to really working on himself for once. I stalled the divorce. He joined a 12 step group for sexual addiction and began IC. But the whole time he was doing that, he was getting involved with OW #3. We were divorced a year ago, and I still can't believe that the wonderful guy he was to me after his first affair could be gone.
I think my story is rare in that usually when a WS doesn't get the help he/she needs, he doesn't treat his spouse as my did. My warning is that even if you are broken enough to care for your spouse's needs, you still need to do the hard work to figure out why you had an affair in the first place so it won't happen again. My WS was soooooo convinced that he would NEVER do it again. His strong conviction actually convinced me.
Today he sits alone in an apartment. His wife and kids gone. His home, vacation home, nice cars, pool, friends, reputation, everything he loved and cared about is gone.
The crazy part is I still love him. And I know he still loves me. But he won't do the hard work to change his life .
I don't want this to be any of you. Hope this helps. Do the hard work. Figure out the whys. Set strong boundaries. Don't think you are above ever doing it again. Don't think your strong will is enough.
Blessings to you all!