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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Is AP the boogeyman?
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sooo, I'm going to take this train down another track and feel free to just ignore it, LOL

But, I think you should confront him. I don't think you should "talk to him" like a conversation. But I get the feeling you've never really laid it out for him, DWB, and I think you might feel better if you did.

Pick a time and place away from work, maybe one of those grocery story meetings, or in the parking lot. But I think you should tell him, "everything you have and everything you are, is because of me. Every meal you put before your children, comes from money you make because of me. You continue to live and feed those children, because I choose to allow you to remain on this earth. Don't ever forget that." And then walk away. It isn't a conversation. It's a message.

I never said anything to my husband's AP and it plagued me. I never even wanted to until year 4. At 5 years I decided it was too late and to let it go. Occasionally I still wish I would have told her what a *not allowed in R forum* she is. Not to get an apology. Not to have a meeting of the minds. But to stand up and defend myself from her transgressions.

A friend was given this advice by her trauma therapist and I saw a huge change in her after she confronted and defended herself. It helped enormously.

Part of reconciling is the healing of the BS. The BS must do things to honor themselves, regardless of the marriage. And when you experience extreme trauma, like you did DWB (I remember your story on the stairs), you have to address it.

YMMV


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6359 | Registered: Jan 2011
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The BS must do things to honor themselves, regardless of the marriage. And when you experience extreme trauma, like you did DWB (I remember your story on the stairs), you have to address it.

love this!


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4770 | Registered: Dec 2010
DWBH
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rebreather, thank you... you make a very good point, and I always enjoy and appreciate your posts. I think you nailed exactly what my W meant when she suggests I speak to him.

Being conflict-avoidant makes this concept difficult for me. I often struggle to find that middle-ground of assertiveness, on emotional topics like this. I tend to either be appeasing, or full-out rage-angry... and the latter scares me (and should scare him) if I lose my temper when speaking to him.

More noodling ... I appreciate all the feedback I'm getting on this.


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
CrappyLife
♂ Member
Member # 37630
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A friend was given this advice by her trauma therapist and I saw a huge change in her after she confronted and defended herself. It helped enormously.
Part of reconciling is the healing of the BS. The BS must do things to honor themselves, regardless of the marriage.

This^^^^ exactly is what my personal thinking also is. And hence my previous post in this thread. And that is the only reason I still feel the need to confront AP1 when I think about it rationally.

When I am raging.. I feel like.. well, lets not go there..

I am sick and tired of hearing that a BS needs to take the high road. Especially, when the AP was someone you knew as a friend, you need to show them their place. Again, it is upto the individual..


BBF-turned-BH: 28 (Me)
WGF-turned-WW: 28 (EmotionalFool)
POS1: a 'friend'? WW believed it was my 'best friend'!
POS2: her senior at work!
Together - 6 years
Married - 1.5 years
D-Day- 15/10/12

Don't know where we are headed..


Posts: 276 | Registered: Nov 2012
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why does the BS need to take the high road?

Where is that written down?

People in normal circumstances take the high road. People in war take whatever road either gets them out of the line of fire or at the throat of the enemy the quickest.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6744 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
CrappyLife
♂ Member
Member # 37630
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

People in war take whatever road either gets them out of the line of fire or at the throat of the enemy the quickest.

where is the clapping man.. ok.. this will do .. [claps]


BBF-turned-BH: 28 (Me)
WGF-turned-WW: 28 (EmotionalFool)
POS1: a 'friend'? WW believed it was my 'best friend'!
POS2: her senior at work!
Together - 6 years
Married - 1.5 years
D-Day- 15/10/12

Don't know where we are headed..


Posts: 276 | Registered: Nov 2012
DWBH
♂ Member
Member # 35512
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Me: BH, 43
Her: FWW, 41 (ThornyRose)
M: 16 years, together 19
2 Daughters: 14 and 12
D Day: 9/25/2011; Lies & TT to 5/4/2012
~Double betrayal; caught them in the act~

Posts: 729 | Registered: May 2012 | From: WI
CrappyLife
♂ Member
Member # 37630
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


BBF-turned-BH: 28 (Me)
WGF-turned-WW: 28 (EmotionalFool)
POS1: a 'friend'? WW believed it was my 'best friend'!
POS2: her senior at work!
Together - 6 years
Married - 1.5 years
D-Day- 15/10/12

Don't know where we are headed..


Posts: 276 | Registered: Nov 2012
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Being conflict-avoidant makes this concept difficult for me

I get it. Totally. And that is something you are going to have to absolutely fix about yourself. Wouldn't this be a nice way to practice?


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6359 | Registered: Jan 2011
Knowing
♀ Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To offer a different perspective on the issue of confronting the AP when there was a double-betrayal there is some merit to "demonizing" the people who hurt you this way. It will keep them far far away, where they belong. This person got close enough to stab you in the back, they should never be allowed to get that close again.

Also, by your own account you do not trust your reaction so that is another good reason to stay away from personal interaction. A confrontation might be a good idea with a lot of support and preparation, including role playing.


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 697 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 30
Pages: 1 · 2

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