I want to connect to my wife, But my mind has me wandering. At first I looked at other women....wives And couldn't help but wonder if they were more true to their vows. Now as I look at other families I see two parents fully committed to that family unit.
I figure this is part of the grieving process… Grieving that which I feel I have lost.
Before the affair I would notice other women… But in a strictly physical way. I now see that was not good for my marriage-did not act on those urges but I did have them and did not see the harm.
I just feel very vulnerable being around my wife right now. I miss that feeling that we were in this together. Now it seems I'm angry and sad most of the time.
Marriage counseling seems to be focusing on that issue within me and I feel very much under pressure to fix that quickly.... and God knows I want to fix I pray on it daily. Days for me are getting better...i no longer have to fight to leave the house and go to work like I used to… But I got to tell you I feel like I waste opportunities to build intimacy with my wife.
I want to explain to my wife that I feel this vulnerable and scared… But that will make me look weak and that is not good. So I let that feeling turn into anger and blame and sometimes rage.
In counseling it came up that my wife said something like if I started drinking heavily for example she would divorce me. I take offense to this, asked about our vows and that's when the counselor said Terry you have a limit too, divorce is an option for you as well.
I know divorce is an option. But The way it was presented in a counseling session it made it seem like the vows had no weight, no real value. Leaving me with the impression that if the marriage is not fulfilling or happy you just leave. I Kinda said something like that's what happened before that's what my wife did with the affair right? The counselor says that was different was a different coping mechanism in place.
But isn't divorced a coping mechanism?
I just feel strange so out of sorts so disconnected. Period. Is that my unhealthiness shining through? Anyone have any thoughts I appreciate what you share thank you.
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:38 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]
Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller
One question for you - are you happy with your MC?
You say you're hiding feelings of vulnerability (weakness?) and fear from your W. That sounds to me like a good reason for feeling disconnected from your W. Why not share your feelings honestly? (I mea, would that really allow her to hurt you more than she already has?)
Consider the great war movies and novels - the hero so often tells the apparent coward that he's always scared, too.
Being scared and feeling weak aren't problems unless they keep you from doing things you need to do. If your W disses you because you're honest about your feelings and are aware you're not Superman, is she a person you want to spend your life with?
Also, from what you say, I don't think you're blocking R - the problem is that R is a lot more difficult than anyone can predict. It takes a long time to do the things that need to be done, because there's so much to do.
I just feel strange so out of sorts so disconnected. Period.
oops forgot i wanted to comment on this too.
i feel like this all the time. just going through my day and it hits me all of a sudden. i think it's because my outlook on everything has changed. i'm different now.
it's strange to not be sure of the things you used to be sure of.
it's strange to not know what your future holds when not that long ago you were secure in it.
it's strange to question yourself and where you fit into your own family.
i assume that only time will help with this-no matter if D or R. i think either way you need to build a new definition of yourself and thus how you relate to others after being emotionally gutted from an A.
Sisson...I wish we were neighbors...you appear to have great insights and helpful suggestions. I have a desire to meet older men that have successfully navigated through this mess...or at least are further along then I am.
I am thinking about joining a real life support group for betrayed spouses. My biggest reservation is that other members would be WOMEN.
I desire to be around folks dealing with similar trauma...but desire to stay away from one on one contact of any sort with any woman...I have days were my temptations are tough to control...so I am committed to keeping the opportunity out of my world.
I so desire to be around others who are in this for real...but think a super fast bond would occur easily...so I just have to look for a men only group of betrayed spouses.
I have found FEMALE only gatherings...but nothing for males.
Anyway....really enjoy this site. Getting use to spending my time in the General forum until I feel my wife and I are really trying to R....seems like we are doing a cautious dance right now.
Thanks to all who posted to me.
I wanted to comment on your other post and you mention it again in this one - about expressing needs as a sign of weakness. So I will just respond to it on this thread.
You need to express your feelings, needs and wants to your wife because she's not a mind reader. She isn't going to instinctively know what they are. At this point, she probably won't know what to do even if you do express them, but at least you will get them out there. You admit your own resentment is building. I understand it is hard to be vulnerable and it's kind of a gamble you take because if you don't, you can't move ahead anyway. Nothing ventured, nothing gained sort of thing. At least you will know where you stand.
Your wife thinking you look weak for expressing needs is her issue. You should not take that on as a direct reflection of you. It doesn't mean you are actually weak. IMO, she needs to see your hurt, anger and frustration. All of it. It may help show her the severity of her actions have had on you. Holding back will not do that.
I could be wrong but your wife seeing needs as weakness has more to do with her emotional unavailability and intimacy problems than truly being independent. The fact that your wife had an affair, and is linking the reason why to unmet needs including external validation blows holes in her theory about being an independent person.
I too saw needs as a weakness and it was based in FOO, so I understand where that comes from and why and also how overwhelming it can be. It sounds like your needs scare your wife. It's one thing to have had the belief in the past, but if she still does now, she's going to have to realize she can't be a partner and hold onto that. It's something she would have to learn to correct and the first step is wanting to learn. If not, perhaps it best she live alone. You want interdependence in a relationship more than independence. It is important to remember that divorce is always a via option for both of you.
Not sure if this is helpful for you at all, but thought I would throw it out there. Good luck.
I also want to add that I think it's cool that you see the danger in getting into a mixed support group and potentially bonding with a woman other than your wife. As the BS, we all feel that urge to prove we're worthy of attention, we all feel it. Most of us never act on it but it's there. I just want you to know you're acting like a real stand-up guy to avoid putting yourself in a sitch that you might not be ready to handle. I'm always happy to come across a stand-up kind of guy. There are some great men on this site, both FWS and BS. Good luck.
Fear and vulnerability are holding me back too. It leads to me being angry and resentful that I feel this way in a M that I chose to join.
It is like I have hit a brick wall. That wall is there to protect me from pain. That wall is there to remind my WH of what he did to me. If I go past it, he may hurt me again. If I go past it, he may forget what he did to me and think that he got what he realized he didn't want to lose after having his cake and eating it.
I want what we had, but I don't want to ever be hurt again.
I get that you want to bond face to face with people that know how it feels. Our WS can only handle so much of our pain, triggering, questions, and rages. A BS can handle it all. A women support group may not be so bad. They will see you as the BH that their WH's AP hurt. They may get comfort in knowing that the AP(women like your WW) have issues and don't get to walk away with ruining someone's life.
I wish I knew how the betrayed boyfriend of my WH AP felt like. It would be nice to know that their relationship is having issues too over their betrayal.
Some praises from me to ya'll.
Tripletrouble...what a blessing to have such good suggestions and questions offered to me...very good points that I am investing time and energy into exploring.
Electricblue...I have faults but do sincerely thank you for the stand up guy comment. Honestly my stand up stance is born from a fear of a known weakness, my weakness...I am afraid if given the opportunity right now with a woman I would fall down...so it is out of concern, not strength, that I stay away from such settings. Actually, you even calling me a stand up guy has me feeling good...but nervous! How nice this is an anonymous site!
Dixiedevastated...the fact that you have followed my other posts makes me feel good...like I am NOT crazy and that what I am posting is real...or at least not wildly misstated. Your thoughtful response is proof you have pondered where I am at and processed it correctly...or at least your post fully resonate with me, leaving me with that impression.
Hopefulmother...glad my post helped you move ahead a bit further...also, cool suggestion...letting women see that husbands hurt and feel pain too in the hopes that it would help them heal...and if I were a stronger man I would gladly do this to help out. But I am not....now, on some days, even a flirtatious waitress feeds a selfish desire in me to get more attention from her...it is then that I leave a nice tip and leave quickly! I just know I would bond quickly with one of these women and wind up hurting myself, another wife, and yet another family.
Thank you all for your kind support. I gotta tell you it feels wonderful! I hope I am giving something back as I post. My intention is to do what yall have done...comfort others and offer guidance that help move people to a healthier state.
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 11:30 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]
we are also the couple that people think would never have these problems. So I don't want others to get close to me so they don't get to see us/me...the real us. I am so embarrassed and feel like a public failure.
I see your start date here is very recent...I remember the embarrassment phase. My wife and I were the model couple out of all of our friends. In fact...just recently a very good close friend of my wife said "You wont believe what I just heard around town...that you and "om's name" had an affair!" This friend was so not thinking this was an option that she thought her and my wife would have a great big laugh out of it.
I know you are not happy about feeling "someday her husband will cheat on her"...but dont look at it as wishing ill on people. Look at it as a healthy way to view our society and the REAL threats that have always existed..we were just ignorant to this truth.
Ironically, 3 years ago I joked with this same womans husband "So you are the man that is sleeping with my wife" in front of one of his co-workers...it WAS great fun and a story I have retold many times. Now I just feel foolish....couldnt believe we were so niave and so proud as to have let our guard down...my wifes guard was no where to be found.
So I get where you are at now...trust me, the embarrassment will fade and you will learn that nothing you could have done would have kept him faithful.
We have spent thousands of dollars on therapy and retreats to find out that it truly has nothing to do with what the BS did or did not do INSIDE their marriage. It has everything to do with what our WS did OUTSIDE of our marriage.
If any way possible (and you are as new to discovery as I think you are) seek professional help. Encourage your husband to tell the whole truth and avoid the tremendous additional hurts that trickle truthing causes.
I sought professional help immediately, but trickle truths were a large part of my wifes fog. I found this site 2-3 months after my discovery...lots and lots of helpful info in the healing library.
Be bold and read often...post when you are strong enough...encourage your husband to visit this site.
Wow...lots of advice for you...and I am hardly in a position to do so. My heart just aches for people involved in this...especially early on in the process. I had no idea how tough this road would be..but have found strength to do way more then I ever thought I could do. You have that strength too...we all do. We also all have doubts...don't act when you doubt.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:05 AM, July 12th (Friday)]