One thing that has helped me was that I realized (actually a friend told me this) that I don't have to have everything figured out in one day, one week, or even one month.
Do the 180 and take baby steps. I know how it feels when you just want to strike back and say, I don't deserve this, I don't need you, I'll show you!!! I've had enough!! But it's going to take baby steps for you to get to the place you visualize when you think of a future without him.
First things first...get back on the 180 train. Secondly, try to stop the negative train of thought about how your actions could have led to his A. Those are his thoughts, his feelings, his justifications.
I'm not saying that you were perfect and there weren't things that you could have done differently in your marriage, but that doesn't make someone cheat. Every marriage has challenges. Every single marriage. Every relationship. Even the next one that you will have will have challenges. I think there is a time to do an evaluation or inventory of what went wrong...but right now you need to focus on detaching so that your conversations are limited and his comments don't lead you to responding in ways you will regret.
Right now just practice being consistent. You are doing great. You have awareness, which is much more than he has.
I would get caught up in the feelings of wanting this all to be over...I need to get an apartment, get an attorney, get my new life started...moving on with my life...but I've realized...I need to just be ok with where I am now and detach, detach, detach.
Sending you strength. It's a new week sister....you can do this!!!!!!
For some reason I had a lot of mind movies this weekend that I had never had before. I always read "mind movies" and thought, oh thank goodness I don't have those. But this weekend they came at me in full force.
I also had some weepy moments where I felt like "less than." Even though the OW is gross and not attractive in my eyes (or compared to me), she obviously had my WS' attention and I started thinking that I'll never represent what the OW represented to him. Those initial feelings of lust, wonder, discovery, excitement that one gets when starting a new relationship. I felt saddened about that for some reason. Maybe I'm destined to feel that with someone else and I should be grateful for an opportunity to be treated the way I deserve to be treated.
I don't know...it's a mixed bag. But at least I'm in a much better place than I've been before. I'm just getting used to my new way of living I guess.
He texted asking about the baby and I just said that he was doing great and sent him a pic of our beautiful boy.
This week I'm focusing on myself and taking three weeks to change up my diet. I want to lose more baby (and prebaby) weight and get my body in good shape. Making realistic goals and getting on a good schedule.
How did your 180 go this weekend?
I also saw some college friends at the shower who are successfully partnered off, pregnant or with babies and it made this empty feeling seem even more profound.
I guess the thought that keeps going through my head is: why don't I get to do this? I did everything "right." I loved him, was faithful, did everything I could to help us build a happy life together. We rarely fought, I thought we were happy. Why was he willing to give all of that up for.... ????
(I have to say "????" because with 180/NC and geographic distance I have no idea what he's doing now!)
For the first time since DDay#2 I've had the thought that I'd like to speak to him. Ask him those questions. Stop having nightmares about him calling to tell me they are living together, that he's in love with her-- find out what's really the case. As more time goes on and I heal, I'm finding it harder and harder to hold on to my anger and recognition of the 1,000 sh*tty things he did to me this past year. I'm remembering the happiness of the previous 10+.
Maybe it's the exposure to couples and babies that's causing this but, I'm starting to miss him really profoundly. God help me.
... Also.... at lunch the other day a girlfriend mentioned to me that I have NC-ed him so hard (blocked on FB and other sm) and maintained it so well that maybe I've made it too hard for him to get the courage to contact me. I know this is wrong-headed for a lot of reasons, but I can't help but feel a little worried that she's right.
I need a major 180/NC tune up!!!!!
[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 2:04 PM, July 29th (Monday)]
Seeing them so happy and established made me sad. I miss having that and the idea of it being years before I even have the chance of establishing that with someone else is painful to face.
Yes…I’ve been there. It’s like that scene in Back to the Future where Marty sees his siblings start to fade in the picture. You see what you thought was your future start to fade and disappear. WS and I always said we wanted more than one child…but after all of this it was like watching my future baby fade away. I just keep focusing on the fact that I don’t know what is in my future. His behavior is showing me that might have a better chance at happiness without him. Right now he isn’t giving me ANY future at all. It’s like I was written out of a play.
I did everything "right." I loved him, was faithful, did everything I could to help us build a happy life together. We rarely fought, I thought we were happy. Why was he willing to give all of that up for.... ????
I feel you. You did do everything right. Now you have to do everything right for this particular circumstance and that is exactly what you are doing right now. You are taking care of yourself and you have removed yourself from a situation where you have been emotionally abused.
No one can ever take your memories away from you, not even him. He WAS there. He made a commitment to you and you believed him. You had no reason to doubt him until he gave you one. He gave it all up because there is something really, really, really wrong with him. Not because she’s amazing and the love of his life. Not because the OW has something you don’t. Not because of anything that happened or didn’t happen in your marriage. It’s something that is wrong with him…insecurities, lack of empathy, entitlement, emptiness….
I’m not just saying that because he was unfaithful…I’m saying it because for someone to do a complete switch like our WS’ have done…to me that’s a sign of a real mental problem. Mine detached from me while I was pregnant. When other men are stepping it up to get ready for baby, mine was snapping at me, ignoring me, and telling someone else that he loved her. (Like you, I also hold on to the fact that he has said since DDay that he didn’t love her. Sometimes I find it hard to believe, but he’s been so cold about other things why wouldn’t he just tell me if he did?)
For the first time since DDay#2 I've had the thought that I'd like to speak to him….
About the anger….be glad you haven’t had the opportunity to really unleash on your WS. I have…and although it made me feel better in the moment, it just gave him something else to point at and say “see…you never loved me;” “see, you’ll never get over it;” or “see...all we do is fight.” Don’t give him the satisfaction.
I've made it too hard for him to get the courage to contact me…
I know it hurts PL….but you are doing a great job of taking care of you. And even if you did contact your WS and he did sound somewhat remorseful, in these moments of weakness you are vulnerable and he could either do some more damage or feed you a crumb and those are the worst.
Sending you strength today. I'm glad we are SI friends. Our WS' are idiots. I bet when you and I move on and find healthy and worthwhile men our WS' are going to come back looking for the same sweet girl they so carelessly discarded.
[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 2:43 PM, July 29th (Monday)]
But it was to express anger at discovery that nearly ExH was trying to be sneaky and got caught...again.
IC tells me to stand up for myself, even if it means making someone upset, so I do. It took tremendous courage to do, but I let him know that I knew what he was doing and it was wrong.
The reply came where he mostly tried to correct my grammar, catch me in a wrong and just try to bs his way out of it.
It caused me some emotion, but it was about some long term things, so I can't just be bullied anymore.
Other times, in weak states of mind, I would let it go...
You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
We have been separated a little over a month and except for a phone call about his daughter's grades which he ignored I have been NC for three weeks. He hasn't tried to reach me either though.
Today's 180 - I didn't text him "Fly Safely". He is flying back from a family vacation. I use to always do this.
I really want to reach out to him but considering he couldn't even respond about his daughter's grades I am going with the NC means no new hurts because when he didn't respond about something like that - boy did it hurt.
180 doesn’t really seem to help though. I feel worse then I did when we first separated. I feel as though I am just avoiding the issues almost like denial.
You have successfully pulled me from the brink today! I didn't contact him. I went to a farm stand, bought a bunch of fruit and cried while I made a fruit salad instead. :)
I'm glad we're SI friends, too.
I am fortunate that POS is so far away, and that makes 180 very easy. He ignores me (and the kids, apparently) and I ignore him (and the kids do to). I do not have to stress about him suddenly showing up at the house or running into him at the grocery store. Our only communication (text) relates to court stuff, and we haven't communicated in about two weeks now.
His lack of remorse, though terribly sad and heartbreaking, is truly a gift, and his subsequent running away to mommy in another state was an added bonus!
This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet
I know what it's like to be on the ledge...so my hostage negotiation skills are improving these days.
Ashland13- don't be hard on yourself. You are doing an amazing job. The best thing about the 180 is that you can just climb right aboard the 180 train if you fall off. And I don't think it's a sign of weakness at all to let things go. There will come a day when you no longer care about what he thinks about you. I'm glad you have the opportunity to prove him wrong....but remember, what he thinks doesn't matter. He has screwed up thinking anyway.
Just out of curiosity, when is the baby due? How are you feeling? I hope you still have some bright spots of happiness and joy duringthis pregnancy.
stungbytravel-I feel the same way. Am I just prolonging the pain by 180ing? In a sense I have this teeny tiny hope that maybe things will turn around, but then I think about all the stuff that has happened since DDay and I don't think I can forget any of it...and as my IC says, he isn't coming banging down the door to R. So am I just prolonging D so I don't have to deal with the feelings?
[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 9:02 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)]
Today, knock on wood, I haven't cried yet! I've been feeling okay. Slept in, got some work done, gardened a little, got a facial, ate a big dinner, drinking a cup of tea and checking out SI before getting back to work.
It's lonely... but it feels okay.
My facial lady knew WS (he used to come with me sometimes) and she spent the whole hour telling me that I've made it too hard for him to get in touch with me. That I should call him to find out where he's at so I can get closure. That I should ask my friend who works with him what's going on. I told her no way. She said I'm hiding away out of fear and not facing reality and I just *need* to know in order to move on. I just told her I only know what I can handle right now and that means not talking to him.
Got a call from Mom on the way home. She wanted to know if I had any "spies" who are reporting to me what he's doing on his FB page. Are you kidding? Of course not!
She's asked/complained why I don't answer the phone, I told her because I have nothing to say to her.
I have progress to report. My WS came back from his work trip yesterday and brought the baby home like he usually does. I said "welcome back" and we just talked about the baby. That's it. Before he left he said, "I'm not going on anymore of these trips. I'm gonna send someone else from now on. It's too much work and too much time away from DS."
If he would have said that 5 months ago I would have cheered and thought that meant he was taking a stand, protecting me, making our M a safe place to be. Now I just thought, "Ok."
Like my IC said, "it's not like he's banging down your door." It was just a statement he made. It had nothing to do with me. He can go on 20 more trips, move there, or never go there again. These are his choices.
Anyway....I'm proud of myself because just a few weeks ago I would have been riding the emotional roller coaster over him returning to OW's town. I'm not going to lie and say I didn't get weepy at some points this weekend....I did. I cried...I had mind movies, at one point I convinced myself that he went away to see her and wasn't working at all. I had some bad times...but they were short.....and they passed.
It's amazing what a few weeks can do. It was just 4th of July that we had an awful night and some subsequent fights and more text exchanges after that. I feel more at peace. Actually...I was saying to myself, "when is he going to leave" so I could get in my jammies and crawl into bed.
Life is good. 180ing brings some peace to the storm.
I just think its odd that he isn't at all concerned about the house or his stuff. It's weird maybe he has a spy or is driving by when I don't know it. Not to check up on me but on the house.
My 180 has been spotty, as it tends to be since we share two young kids. But I've been pretty good; no horrible gaffes like "I miss you" or anything like that. Never again with that nonsense!
But here is my question: our nine year old is sick and staying home from camp with me. (We are trading off later today.).
Do I proactively text her to tell her?
If he had high fever while staying with her and she did not tell me, I would be angry.
What do you think?
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
If it's about the kids, then I would share that info. But you've been at this longer than me, so I don't have to tell you to keep it short, simple, and don't engage in any other conversation.
Keep it up...and if you feel like your 180 has been spotty lately then get back up on the 180 horse and start again.
I feel detached to a certain degree. I don't need mantras as much as I did in the beginning. I feel a lot of things, but mostly I feel stable, solid, calmer...
Last night my friend (one of my BFFs) was over before WS brought the baby home. WS came and then hung around for a minute when he saw my friend, also one of his groomsmen, and I were having some wine. I stupidly asked him if he wanted a glass. The three of us talked for a couple of minutes. All was copacetic and then the baby started crying. I went to the nursery and so did WS. Upon seeing the three of us together my friend started crying. WS did not see this. My friend excused himself and I walked him to the car.
My friend could not stop crying. He said, seeing you three like this...I just want you guys to get back together for the baby. I comforted my friend (who is normally spewing venom about WS and what a jerk he is for doing all of this to us) and told him that we just have a new reality and I can't make WS act the way a husband is supposed to act. I can only control what I do.
My friend was shocked to see/hear me so composed and together. I told him I felt numb and my detaching is working for me right now.
Anyway, my friend wasn't the only sentimental one. When WS went to leave shortly after, I swear he said, "I love you!" I was laughing and saying something as I walked him out of our house (which now feels like my house) so I didn't exactly catch it..but I think he said I love you. I just smiled and said, drive safe, be careful.....
He stood on the porch getting his umbrella opened and he didn't look at me. When I closed the door I just went about my business and thought...that was odd.
Anyway...it doesn't matter what WS said..it's irrelevant. I guess what matters is that I don't really care about what he says, does, or thinks anymore. All hail the great 180!!!!
My 180 has been going well since my WW retained an attorney, who I assume told her to limit communication with me. So there has been a dramatic decrease in her fishing via texts and phone calls. This has helped me detach further and "sober up" with regard to my tendency to idealize our marriage pre-affair.
But it's still tough to see her when we trade off the kids. Leaves me emotionally rattled for a bit. But not like it used to!