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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: A rare opportunity. What do I do??
gypsybird87
♀ Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all,

I have an opportunity to make my XWH squirm, which he has not had to do so far at any point in our breakup/divorce process.

Without going into a ton of boring detail, this would involve simply letting him know that someone he knows a- knows all about his affair, and b- doesn't appreciate being used repeatedly as an alibi.

He is coward at heart and it's very unlikely he would have the courage to say anything to this person, especially since he has already lied to them about having an affair in the first place. This person is someone XWH has a great deal of respect for, and appearances mean everything to him, NPD that he is. I know it would eat him alive to have this info and still have to face this person.

Is there any reason I shouldn't pass this info along to him? My thought is to send a text and then crickets, no matter how or if he responds. I will absolutely not be drawn into an exchange with him; this would be a single text from me, followed by silence.

I've been keeping to the high road so far, but damn, its boring. What should I do?

[This message edited by gypsybird87 at 4:53 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. ~ JK Rowling


Posts: 748 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
Ann124
♀ Member
Member # 29289
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would go for it ... Too bad you couldn't do it in person to see him squirm

Posts: 386 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Back Home ... And feeling Great!!
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sit on it. Use the info at an opportune time, when he's being an ass about something else, to throw him off.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5418 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Devastated. Keep this card until you need to play it.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9509 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
gypsybird87
♀ Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmm... I hadn't thought about just keeping the card. The thing is that since our divorce is final and we have no kids, no joint or shared anything anymore, we aren't in any contact or battling about anything. He texted me last week about my alarm system and I was floored to get that from him. It was the first contact in a month. And btw I didn't respond to him at all on that.

If I'm going to play this card at all, I think it has to be now.


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. ~ JK Rowling


Posts: 748 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So what do you stand to gain from playing it? I'm in a similar situation to you (divorced, no kids, no real reason for contact with a completely unremorseful asshole of a cheater) and I can't see the benefit to you here. All this does is to let him know that he's still taking up your headspace (which is perfectly natural, I still think about my ex almost constantly but she doesn't get to have that insight into my life) and feeds his precious ego.

I understand wanting revenge. I understand wanting to see them squirm. Honestly, I think the best revenge you could possibly get would to leave him alone and let him live out the rest of his life as a lonely, fucked up asshole. Sounds pretty miserable to me.


Posts: 1656 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know...if he's really NPD, he'll figure out a way to spin it, and you won't get any satisfaction out of it. He absolutely can't look bad with info coming from you. Can you figure out a way to have someone else spring the news? I have a feeling it would confuse him more, and you can watch the meltdown from a distance while laughing your ass off.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20019 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
gypsybird87
♀ Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hopeless,

You are right, the only benefit here would be "revenge" as you said. The hardest part is that he isn't living a lonely sad life. He moved out of our home 1 week after d-day and straight in with the OW. They are happy as clams playing house together. The only one who's lonely here is me.

I guess what I'm struggling with is that he made all the bad/wrong/selfish/immoral choices, and so far he's had to pay no consequences. None. I lost everything, and he lost absolutely nothing. He just threw me away like garbage walked away and started a new life with someone new. He has no heart, no soul, and apparently no brains.... The only vulnerable spot he has is his pride and what people think of him.

I want him to hurt, just a little, just a TINY speck of hurt in comparison to the hurt he's caused me. It's selfish and low and mean and not like me... and that's why I'm posting for help on whether or not to do it.


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. ~ JK Rowling


Posts: 748 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The hardest part is that he isn't living a lonely sad life.

Are you sure about that? Because

He has no heart, no soul, and apparently no brains.... The only vulnerable spot he has is his pride and what people think of him.

sounds pretty fucking miserable to me. Could you imagine going through life like that? How disconnected you would be? Can you imagine living your whole life as a shell? Being that concerned about appearances?

I can relate to absolutely everything you wrote in your post. Things are a lot more fresh for you but it's been almost a year from my Dday and I still feel like I was thrown away sometimes. It's tough dealing with the fact that someone you loved and trusted implicitly used you, dehumanized you and walked off. That's a tough thing to get over and it's a process that apparently takes a lot longer than the one year I've been struggling with it.

Just know that the loneliness fades into solitude, which can actually be pretty enjoyable if you let it. It takes time but you will get there. No matter what you do, chances are he is incapable of hurting like you do because he is incapable of caring like you do. That's one of the downsides of being a disordered asshole, your shallow affect prevents you from experiencing life's highs AND lows like a normal person.

It's selfish and low and mean and not like me... and that's why I'm posting for help on whether or not to do it.

The thing that has driven me to this point is the idea that I can still look in the mirror and like what I see. I'm not perfect but I haven't betrayed myself through this whole process and I'm grateful for that. The quote above tells me that as small as passing along that information would be compared to what he did to you, doing so would still be a betrayal of yourself.


Posts: 1656 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
What2do
Member
Member # 497
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I say go for it.


Character is what you do when no one is watching.
There is the right path and the easy path - which one will you take?

Posts: 1278 | Registered: Sep 2002
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd smile quietly and let him keep up his charade. Take your satisfaction from knowing this person thinks less of him and he is completely unaware. If he knows he can spin it, avoid him, or make amends, as is, he will just keep burying himself in lies and have no awareness how he ended up covered in shit and lost everyone's respect.

Posts: 3343 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
gypsybird87
♀ Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not going to say anything to him.

I realized it doesn't matter how he would feel about it after I did it. What matters is how *I* would feel about it, and about myself. And I think I would feel worse. No, I KNOW I would. I am a better person than this.

I had already reached this decision, but Hopeless... thank you so much for your responses and insight. Your second post made me cry. I'm trying so hard to be strong, to be the better person, to hold my head up high and know that at end of the day, I did right by myself and by my own heart. But its just so hard. It hurts so much!!

But I refuse to let this turn me into someone I'm not. How XWH can look himself in the mirror each day is beyond me. I could never, NEVER live with what he's done.

Thanks for your understanding and for (hopefully) not thinking less of me during this weak moment.


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. ~ JK Rowling


Posts: 748 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your understanding and for (hopefully) not thinking less of me during this weak moment.

Not all revenge fantasies are created equal and in the grand scheme of things, yours was pretty tame. My head was a pretty disturbing place to be in the months directly after Dday.


Posts: 1656 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
TrustedHer
♂ Member
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, July 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NC = No New Hurts

You've figured this out, but I thought it was worth saying for others who might read this thread.


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5139 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
dindy
♀ Member
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 4:33 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you have made a good choice GypsyBird87 in not doing anything. At least you can hold you're head high with your self-respect and dignity intact.

I felt like you did too, used and thrown to the rubbish without even a care for me or our two young children. I now know that I did nothing to push him into having an affair like he would like me believe. I may not have been the perfect partner but it takes two to make a relationship work and one two have an affair and ruin the life you had.

Good on you for taking the moral high ground , it's not easy! :)


Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
Topic Posts: 15

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