Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Sleepy (44725)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Get me off this crazy thing!
myperfectlife
♀ Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 1:03 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been trolling a week and finally registered.
Long story short (is that possible?)
WH said in April he wanted a D. Said there was no one else, just he wasn't happy. Wanted to be single "do his thing". This was total news to me, blindsided. We have always had a good relationship (aside from my more controlling, his more lazy tendencies) and usually kept things in balance.
(Again, long story short)...after a few weeks me being in the house and us talking constantly about the issue he decided to file ( I told him I wouldn't leave until he filed). In that month I worked on myself and became the "perfect wife" (his words).However, he filed anyway, the next day he said he'd rather just separate, said he didn't want to lose me. Called the attorney and said change it to separation which I had begged him for and he'd denied until then. I'd already signed my lease and felt he needed to understand the responsibilities of having the kids (all the stress I was under taking care of 95% of our lives, that he didn't like coming home to a stressed out me). Against the advice of everyone...I gave him custody of my 3 boys (teens) and moved out.
We were still seeing each other, sleeping together etc. I heard he'd been seen around town with someone and asked him about it. He denied anything more than friendship. I told him if he wanted to date other people we could both do that. He said an adamant no (later realizing he just didn't want ME to see others lol). A few weeks later after hearing more about this OW I asked him point blank if he was interested in her. He gave me the "if I was single I would be" crap. I said, no I mean are you interested in her right NOW. He said "I don't know." I told him calmly, if you are just let me know. I think it would be best to go ahead and get divorced if you want to explore those things.
Next day he comes back and says "I want to be with you, married to you, I want this to work, I love you, I am in love with you... I was lying when I said I didn't love you anymore. Let's work on us."
Wow...awesome!
If only...
ha!
So here I think we're in R, full steam ahead although I'm in an apartment, he's at home. He wanted to work on the house so I happily took the boys for several weeks telling him "we're in this together, I am here to support you!"
Needless to say, he'd taken his relationship with this OW to a new level around that time and spent all his time with her doing all kinds of things.
I am leaving out a LOT of details that are somewhat important to condense, they may come out in later threads.
This whole time WH and I kept a continuous dialogue, open and (on my side) honest of how we felt, the trouble in our marriage, how to fix it, things we could change about ourselves etc.
Again...long story short, I finally wised up and contacted OW and between her and him the truth came out.
He'd started a PA with her at some point. She thought he had already filed for D and was on his way to being a free man. Actually, nothing was EVER filed because our attorney shelved it when he sent her a text saying I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he no longer wanted a D (the day after I asked if he was interested in the OW.)
After I found out about the A and the reality of it, he said he wanted to stay married and I told him the only chance he had was to be 100% honest and cut things off with her. I told him we needed to meet with her for this to happen and she agreed. (I'd contacted her and shown her screen shots of things he'd said to me about staying married, she didn't believe me! He really snowed her!)
We met together and before hand I warned him, there better not be any surprises.
Well, surprise...they had a wedding date picked out, had kids names picked out. She didn't know that he smokes and chews,etc. Very eye opening!
After about a half hour and hearing he'd just had sex with her that week I got up and left and told him I would see him in court and that he wasn't getting custody of the boys.
He actually sat there and talked to her for 3 more hours.
Over the next few weeks I went back and forth, divorce, reconciliation...he spent his time hedging his bets with both of us.Literally begging me not to D him, then driving straight to her place and telling her I told him i was done and they could be together.
I've told him 2 or 3 times I am done, then let myself creep back on the memories and my love for him. This is totally unlike me. I am known as someone who doesn't take $hit from anyone (divorced my ex at 18 for the same thing, no looking back-but we didn't have a family with 3 kids!). I've lost almost 30lbs, have digestive issues and am on sleeping pills.
Never in my life could I ever fathom that this person I married (whose sense of loyalty and affection was my biggest turn on) would ever, even in a billion years put me and our family through this.
This past weekend I left town to visit a friend and left with the understanding we were in R. Came back to find out he'd seen her both days I was gone, one day (according to her) with his hand down her pants. Seems like he just can't stay away.
He says there's just "something about her"....if it wasn't why wouldn't he have done it before? He always told me I never had to be afraid about him cheating because he knew he could never fall in love with someone the way he fell in love with me. ( I am too pragmatic to believe that crap and never did believe it, but it sucks it happened anyway!)
Saturday he offered his iphone and I took it all day. She texted and I got some more info from her (he is on MY cellphone plan, it's all in my name.) and confronted him with it. I was also texting her from my phone...supposedly this last time (changes every other day) he told her that he'd chosen HER and told me he wanted a divorce. On my side, he said he wanted to be with me and was done with her.
I told her to call him and she did. I handed him the phone and said "your choice". And between her screaming and crying he told her he was done with her and would "let her go" and "not bother her again." I also asked him to send her a text telling her all the things he'd been telling me. I didn't tell him the words to say. I said "text her as if you're talking to me, she doesn't know all the things you'v been saying to me about how much you love me and you're nothing without me." So he did that too. I kept his phone until today.
After this weekend I had to take a few sleeping pills and was nervous (Ambien horror stories-google it!) so I asked to stay at the house. I stayed on the couch the first 2 nights ( my AC is also broken in my apt so it's cool there too, and he begged me to stay lol). The past 2 nights I stayed in our bed. ( yes, things happened...we've never stopped any of that this entire time, OW was shocked to hear.)
Things were ok this week, being with him and talking things out. Today we went to our first session of MC and a few more things came out. He admitted that when he had trouble choosing, that part of the reason for choosing me was financials and the stability of our long marriage, the safety of it etc. That was hard to hear. I would like to be loved for me, thanks!
Also, the dynamic of me taking over the house vs him not doing anything was addressed and I asked the therapist if I should be in the house. She said no, if I felt like I would slip back into that role-which I do. He has a lot to work on from that angle, because I don't want that dynamic in my marriage anymore. I've worked on my part as well. Living in my own place has destressed me a lot on that noted.
When we left I told BS that I would stay at my apt tonight and the boys could stay with him.
Well, he went pretty ape$hit. Saying I was setting us back, breaking the bond, he wanted to be with me so he wouldn't think about her. Also he knows breaking NC is a dealbreaker for me. He admitted in a text to me a few hours ago that he didn't trust himself not to text her. He said "I know she would tell me to F off, then you would divorce me and I would be alone."
He also keeps saying at the same time that he won't text her because he knows she's not an option after what he told her last time he talked to her. (I believe she would still take him back. Hell, I have!) And I am trying to explain to him the difference of him saying "I don't want to be with her." versus " She may not want to be with me."
Right now his reason for not contacting her is because a)he knows I will D him and b) she won't talk to him.
Yet he just admitted again via text that a part of him still wants to text her, right now.
I told him I am not going to be his safety net, to be there just to save himself from making bad decisions. I've been that for 18 years and I am done. HE has to decide. He's irate that I am not there sleeping with him right now. Thinks I am being intentionally cruel.
In one text he's raging mad at me and the next he's saying he doesn't want to think, doesn't want to do any of this and doesn't know if we should R or not. I'm off that ride and simply waiting to see what he does/says.
I feel like I've gone above, beyond and back to what anyone should or would do to save their marriage. I can walk away with a clean conscience knowing I did all I could. I am not sure why I am still waiting.
Another note...I did have an appointment to file for separation this past Monday. I kept the appointment but decided not to file yet because I wasn't ready. Today he said "I know if you would have filed Monday I would be over there right now."
Wow. What?
I know this sounds obvious, but this guy seems terrified to be alone.
So if I am in a position of waiting to see if R could work, do I give him space to fall or fly (he says he doesn't know if he can try to R that way, he wants me there 24/7)...or do I go stay with him and give it 100% and freak out every time he picks up his phone. I have sworn I will never live that way again.

Thoughts? ( I may add more detail in responses, this seriously is the condensed version of my Jerry Springer life!)


(Did I mention he had an EA a few years back? He swore he was done with her then 6 months later I realized he'd broken NC. Why didn't he learn from that? He was terrified then I would leave him. I am by no means perfect and have admitted to him my "crushes" and lack of attention to our marriage at times, but I never accidentally fell on another man's penis. Repeatedly.)


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
lamplighter
♀ New Member
Member # 39795
Default  Posted: 1:37 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my opinion, if he can't totally commit to being done with the other woman, there is nothing to work on right now.

My heart goes out to you. He is treating you terribly. He sounds like he needs extensive IC to deal with his codependency and emotional instability.

My husband is having an EA and, while we're still in the first few weeks of it, he's yet to show an interest in working on the marriage at all. That said, if he did a total about face tomorrow and wanted desperately to prevent a divorce, there is no way I would honor the thought for a second without immediate and total NC with OW and total transparency to prove it. Doubt that will happen in my case.

Until he's committed to ending the affair, it will only cause you more pain to try to reconcile with him.


Posts: 29 | Registered: Jul 2013
myperfectlife
♀ Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 1:43 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. I would not continue if he hadn't "ended it" with her last weekend.
However, how long do I want for him to emotionally get over her?
It's unfair for him to want me to be with him 24/7 so he won't think about her.
Am I the only one who thinks that is unhealthy?
It just seems to me whenever he's alone and things get "difficult" he starts wavering back and forth.
I am not going to be his safety net anymore.
I've been on this roller coaster for 14 weeks...with 3 children at stake, how much longer do I ride?


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
LearningToFly
♀ Member
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 3:28 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I forget where I read it but I have read that men don't usually leave a marriage unless there is someone else waiting for them on the side. When my WS started telling me he didn't love me anymore and thought he never did, I googled his words and read that those of are the words of a man in an affair. It sounds like your H is in a confused state of his own making. You can't be his babysitter to keep him from contacting the other woman. That is so unfair and thoughtless of him to put you in that position. If you don't sit by his side and keep him from communicating with her, will he blame you for his continuing cheating? You aren't his mother or his conscience. He needs to grow up and control his own behavior. He isn't thinking straight and he certainly isn't showing empathy for what he is putting you through. I'm sorry he is doing this.


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 188 | Registered: Apr 2013
boontje
♀ Member
Member # 33247
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry you have found yourself here ((mpl)))

Clearly your H isn't willing to make a choice and stick to it. You can't even begin to R if he will not say that you are the only woman he wants to be with. Period. In the meantime, you are allowing him to flip back and forth between you and OW. So if he can't make the choice, you have to. Have you considered packing his things, and sending HIM to live on his own in your apartment, while YOU consult an attorney. Who cares if he is terrified to be alone? He needs to be a big boy now. You need to take control of this situation and think of yourself and your three children. Keep posting. You will get great advice here.


Me: BS
Dday: June 2011
Working on R, one day at a time

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.
― Ernest Hemingway



Posts: 934 | Registered: Aug 2011
myperfectlife
♀ Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Boontje...
I had suggested in the past that he stay at my apartment, and me at the house but that's not realistic. My name is on the lease and frankly I don't want the responsibility of the house and all it entails, I never did through this whole thing.
Like everyone else here I simply can't grasp why WH would risk everything-all our friends,reputation in the community of a small town(on several nonprofit boards), our children's welfare (they know her and he's even taken them places with her and they understand he's been seeing her behind my back), his job, his family (of course they're pissed!) and everything else.
I understand it wasn't about sex, but the hold she had is still there and he simply refuses to understand it WASNT HER PERSONALITY...it was a feeling she gave him. He's convinced she was just that someone special-special enough to risk everything in his life.
The man I married is buried...I can see glimpses of him at some points but the confusion he has is ridiculous. Right now I am only staying because I don't want to make any more snap decisions based on emotion.
The question is...how long do I wait for him to mentally move on and how do I deal with him in the meantime.
I feel like I can do some 180 but I also feel like we communicate well without it. It's not the lack of communication-it's the truth he has.
I guess I am not sure how I should be acting right now...although I'm calm and slightly aloof, yet understanding.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
myperfectlife
♀ Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry if I didn't make it clear. I have consulted 2 attorneys and preliminary papers have been drawn up. We agree on financials from when HE wanted the D so filing is at my fingertips any day that I want to do so.
My question is, and maybe no one can answer but me, but what's a reasonable time to see where he goes with this. He just went NC 7/6. But admits the temptation to text her is very much there.
This whole thing has been going on for months and I'm sick of it all, but 18 years is a long time to share a life with someone.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
myperfectlife
♀ Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let me be more clear: Should I be living in the house while he is still tempted to text her/contact her.
Is there a compromise of being there sometimes but not always.
He says working on us will help him get his mind off her.
I don't feel like that is my problem and that he needs to do one before he does the other.
Sorry for the repeat posts, I wanted to be clear on what I am asking-as he wants me back at the house tonight.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First let me say Welcome.
You are safe here, and will recieve lots of good, sound advice.

My thoughts on this may seem a bit harsh, but I have BTDT, wavering between what HE wants bullshit. It's time for you to stand up, draw your lines in the sand, and stick to it. If he can't stick to what you need to R, then is he really worth having?

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get yourself to your Dr, get STD tested. I can guarantee that he hasn't been safe, even if he says he has. While you are there get something different for sleep than that damn Ambien. That shit is dangerous, and I am amazed it hasn't been pulled off the market. Ask for an antianxiety drug to help with sleep, or good old Trazadone. They work, and don't cause the Craziness Ambien does.

It sucks that you have been put in this position, but he clearly doesn't get it. He is way out in fantasy land where unicorns fart rainbows. Time to burst that bubble. Show him what he has to loose, give him the demands or R, if he wavers 180 hard, and file.
(you don't have to D, if he finally gets it, but I would strongly recommend you start the process).

((((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8229 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
lamplighter
♀ New Member
Member # 39795
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't mean to sound dismal but my guess is that, even if you don't catch him cheating anymore, you will eventually be a LOT happier without him.

He can say he chooses you but he is not committed to you if he says he does not know if he can resist temptation. That's not a commitment, that's manipulation to get you to act the way he wants. He is manipulating you by pretending to be helpless. We are all in control over who we sleep with - and if your husband truly believes he lacks that self-control, he needs a LOT of individual help before any person should be anywhere near him.

But my guess is this is manipulative crap he is saying to you. He doesn't want to feel he has to be "alone" for even the night when he had two women at once just a short while ago. He is trying to break your free will by threatening to go to her if you don't spend time with him. It's controlling, unhealthy behavior and you (like me, and many of us here) have a long road ahead to healing. You don't need to be anywhere near that.


Posts: 29 | Registered: Jul 2013
myperfectlife
♀ Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My thoughts on this may seem a bit harsh, but I have BTDT, wavering between what HE wants bullshit. It's time for you to stand up, draw your lines in the sand, and stick to it. If he can't stick to what you need to R, then is he really worth having?

Yes, this is what I just expressed to him.
I am usually a very verbal, honest and forthright person. He and I have talked about this on and on for 3 months during the different stages he put us through.
I already have an appointment to get STD tested so that's in the works. One of my weaknesses is that I often jump ahead and overreact. Trying not to do this right now, but it's hard and possibly counter-productive in this situation.
He can say he chooses you but he is not committed to you if he says he does not know if he can resist temptation. That's not a commitment, that's manipulation to get you to act the way he wants. He is manipulating you by pretending to be helpless. We are all in control over who we sleep with - and if your husband truly believes he lacks that self-control, he needs a LOT of individual help before any person should be anywhere near him.

Exactly. I felt very manipulated but I stood my ground and stayed at my apartment. I told him I wasn't sure how often I would be at the house, etc.
After reading so many posts here I feel like I don't know what "stage" I am in...he says he wants to be married (but why? I don't feel like I'm his only option, just one of them), that he wants our family together (convenient for him financially, household wise and he gets to keep all our mutual friends he's pissed off), yet out of the other side off his mouth he's saying he doesn't know if R will be "too hard", doesn't know if he can do it, he's tempted to contact her, there's just something about her (gag).
He is in the land of crazy.
I almost filed Monday and want to give it one more week at least (another MC session Wednesday).
I guess I keep feeling like I "owe" him more time because he's "just now getting it" and because according to him I made him dump her Saturday and now she will never speak to him again.
Wow...did I just type that?
2X4s welcome. I need them for this bridge I'm building over the shitpile of my life....


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
lamplighter
♀ New Member
Member # 39795
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do what feels best for you. You'll find no judgment here if you choose to take him back and work things out.

But for the record, you owe him nothing. And I can't even believe he uses "Well, she won't talk to me anymore" as a reason things will improve between you two. That's seriously awful.


Posts: 29 | Registered: Jul 2013
myperfectlife
♀ Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just called him and basically told him that I can't work on his relationship/love for her and that its his problem. That I can't and won't work on the marriage until he figures that out.
I also told him that I can't guarantee I won't file today, tomorrow or in 6 months and that if we R he gets no guarantees. That he needs to be 1000% committed to me and to healing MY pain and not just going through the motions. I told him the cruelest thing he can do is tell me he wants to be with only me when in fact he's only half in it. This is where I feel he is right now by the things he's said.
I told him, you've said it may be too hard and you don't think you can do it. I am giving you the opportunity to bow out and leave the marriage with us still trying to be friends and coparents. I told him "I won't be mad if you do that, it is what it is." I won't be mad honestly, just sad that I was once the love of his life and he threw that all away for a few weeks of attention and affection. I have been through the range of emotions, but I feel like right now he's wanting to stay with me because a) he's afraid to be alone and he thinks she won't take him back b) it's easier than being alone financially, socially, romantically and sexually c) I am a safe choice aside from the hard work of R.
I told him you need to be thinking about what it will take for ME to heal from what you've done. This isn't about you and your pain of wanting to contact her.
He seemed subdued and I told him to think about it.
I have always had the issue of trying to get him to make his own decisions...he's a procrastinator and doesn't take charge well. On one hand I don't want to be my "worst" self and go balls to the wall telling him to kiss off (that's my personal issue). On the other hand, if I feel he's not genuine and file at some point then he gets to say that he "really tried" and I didn't give him a fair chance.
In the end, I don't really care about that because he's the one with the blood on his hands, but my ego and personality find that hard to totally ignore.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
myperfectlife
♀ Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just called him and basically told him that I can't work on his relationship/love for her and that its his problem. That I can't and won't work on the marriage until he figures that out.
I also told him that I can't guarantee I won't file today, tomorrow or in 6 months and that if we R he gets no guarantees. That he needs to be 1000% committed to me and to healing MY pain and not just going through the motions. I told him the cruelest thing he can do is tell me he wants to be with only me when in fact he's only half in it. This is where I feel he is right now by the things he's said.
I told him, you've said it may be too hard and you don't think you can do it. I am giving you the opportunity to bow out and leave the marriage with us still trying to be friends and coparents. I told him "I won't be mad if you do that, it is what it is." I won't be mad honestly, just sad that I was once the love of his life and he threw that all away for a few weeks of attention and affection. I have been through the range of emotions, but I feel like right now he's wanting to stay with me because a) he's afraid to be alone and he thinks she won't take him back b) it's easier than being alone financially, socially, romantically and sexually c) I am a safe choice aside from the hard work of R.
I told him you need to be thinking about what it will take for ME to heal from what you've done. This isn't about you and your pain of wanting to contact her.
He seemed subdued and I told him to think about it.
I have always had the issue of trying to get him to make his own decisions...he's a procrastinator and doesn't take charge well. On one hand I don't want to be my "worst" self and go balls to the wall telling him to kiss off (that's my personal issue). On the other hand, if I feel he's not genuine and file at some point then he gets to say that he "really tried" and I didn't give him a fair chance.
In the end, I don't really care about that because he's the one with the blood on his hands, but my ego and personality find that hard to totally ignore.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Frustrated  Posted: 10:44 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MPL

Your post leaves me heartbroken for you. Just heartbroken.

I am sorry that your WH is so selfish that he continues to put his needs before yours or your family.

I don't believe he is anywhere near working toward a honest R.

It is all about him and what he needs from you. When it should be all about you and what you need from him to feel safe and being able to try and trust him again.

He is cakewalking. He is hedging his bets so he is not left alone. That is not a commitment to either you or the OW. It is a safe haven for him to know he won't be left alone. That's pathetic.

There is no timeline to allow him to get over the OW. You can't control that only he can make up his mind to know he needs to truly commit to NC regardless of how he thinks he "feels" about her.

If she is always on the sidelines when things get tough (and R is tough work) then you will never be at peace. You will always worry and rightfully so.

Please encourage your husband to get into IC and you should as well. He needs to understand why he thinks this treatment to you and your family is acceptable on any level? What allowed him to cheat in the first place and what is HE going to do to ensure it never happens again?

The fact that he is telling you he still wants to text her is enough.

Tell him fine, text her but don't text me unless its about the boys.

You are allowing yourself to be an option. He has had no true consequences for his actions and behavior. This stops when you say stop. Done. Enough.

I know it is hard but you deserve better than this yo yo treatment.

He is putting all the decision making on your shoulders so he doesn't have to be the bad guy. Call him on it.

I would tell him it is really quite simple. Either you commit to NC and get into counseling or you are making the choice for us to dissolve our marriage. I am no longer playing games and you need to get your head out of your butt and grow up. You want her, fine, then be a man and make a decision.

You deserve so much more than this and inside I think you know it.

No one is worth this. You are already 3/4 of the way there. You have papers drawn and your own apartment. Keep going.

Good luck.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 10:46 AM, July 11th (Thursday)]


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Apr 2013
boontje
♀ Member
Member # 33247
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't let him jerk you around like this, he is manipulating you so he doesn't have to make a decision. Be strong for yourself and your kids. I know you are hurting and don't want to rush into a decision, but YOU OWE HIM NOTHING....... including more time, especially that. This is the time for you to be selfish.


Me: BS
Dday: June 2011
Working on R, one day at a time

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.
― Ernest Hemingway



Posts: 934 | Registered: Aug 2011
myperfectlife
♀ Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You deserve so much more than this and inside I think you know it.

No one is worth this. You are already 3/4 of the way there. You have papers drawn and your own apartment. Keep going.


You're right. I do know it. Maybe I just need to come to the final conclusion from a place of peace instead of anger so that I know I won't backtrack again.
The back and forth is not like me at all, but this is the biggest decision I've ever made in my life and I have 3 beautiful and amazing teenage sons who love their father. We've always had a great time together...but maybe it should just be as friends and coparents.
I almost want him to bow out so that I can walk away at peace.
I know I can walk away and be 100% fine, but I don't know that I can stay and be.
why isn't that answer enough?


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey there.

I have something for you to read: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid469167 Take a good look at it. There is, IMO, a lot of wisdom in there.

Your WH is using you. He's using you as a backup plan. Heck, he's even told you that you are his backup plan. You're a grown woman. If that's how you choose to live, well, that's up to you in the end.

But you're also the mother of three teenaged boys. Three boys who are looking at what your WH is doing and, as mad as they may be, as horrified as they may be, as bad as they feel ... are being shown that it's essentially OK to treat a woman like this. And that she'll put up with it. That men can have their cake and eat it too that having a slice on the side works out pretty good for them.That's the message that they're getting right now. And as a mother, is that a message that you want to be giving them.

That's rather a horrifying thought, I know. But unfortunately, it's also the truth. They are getting this message at some level. And its being reinforced with the backing and forthing that's going on right now.

You know something? You ARE a strong woman. And you know that there is only room for 2 in a marriage, not 3. 180 him finances and kids only. Stop having sex with him and going over to stay at the house. File. In the at this point in time, seemingly unlikely possibility that he pulls his head out of his rear end, sees the light, and discards the OW permanently, you can always stop the D proceedings. But I sure as heck would not stop the separation nor completely pull the D papers until he had attended IC for a minimum of a year and proved that he could live, during that time, as a faithful separated spouse.

You have a lot more to offer than he does. Please don't sell yourself short. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4724 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
myperfectlife
♀ Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Skan.
You bring up many things I have thought of often. My oldest son has a firm grasp of what is going on and I know at times he's wished I would have walked away long ago, even though he loves his Dad.
I have fought with my own ego and what I believe to be "who I am" when trying to decide what to do. Am I the strong one, or do I look above my reputation and see a marriage that's stronger than my ego?
All of these things have occurred to me over the past few months.
On Thursday I gave WS a list of requirements for R and told him I had no guarantees. He said he couldn't put all that effort in without a guarantee.
I told him: You took everything in our lives -me, the boys, finances, the house, our friends...and risked all of them on her-with no guarantees. But now you're saying you won't risk all those things on ME with no guarantees?
I told him if that was the case there wasn't much more for me to do.
He got livid a few times, said some things and then calmed down and said...maybe it would be better if we just divorced. Let's just do that.
I agreed that it might be better and told him I would contact the attorney.
Later that night I had a feeling he would be over there talking to OW so I drove past her place around midnight. He happened to be pulling out in front of me so I followed his car all the way to our house (I live in my own apt) and drove right past him without stopping when he parked.
He called me and texted me, drove around our small town trying to find me for hours. I told him I would talk the next day.
The next morning he talked to me again and also talked to her.
After several conversations between us he said he felt like he "got hit over the head with a bat" and that feeling of things being so "special" with her is gone. He seems to be thinking more clearly and seeing her more for who she is. (She's pretty weird, controlling and has some odd boundaries and issues).
He told me as he was talking to her he first asked for her back since we agreed on divorce. Then he started saying to her "I need space, I don't just want to jump into this, I need to work on me." (All things I had told him he needed to do before R!) He said it was surreal. Then she started to tell him all the things he'd need to do to rebuild her trust like emails, cellphones, etc. He said he stood there thinking "Why the hell would I do all that for her and not my wife?"
From what I understand it was a big AHA moment for him.
He told me later that day that he will do everything and anything I ask of him, work on himself, work on us, give me space, passwords etc even knowing I can't guarantee it will work. That he knows he has a lot of hard work to do on himself and that he's going to do it regardless of if we stay together or not.
I am in a slow motion time-freeze right now. I thought we'd "turned the corner" several times, but I do think he's calmer now than ever before. Today he even told me "I'm happy." That's not something he's said in a long time, and given the circumstances it was quite profound.
I still don't know yet where this is going, but I told him right now the thing I can give him is time for him to show me his actions.
I can't say D isn't still in the cards. My boys mean more to me than anything and they are my #1 priority.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
LearningToFly
♀ Member
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On Thursday I gave WS a list of requirements for R and told him I had no guarantees. He said he couldn't put all that effort in without a guarantee.
I told him: You took everything in our lives -me, the boys, finances, the house, our friends...and risked all of them on her-with no guarantees. But now you're saying you won't risk all those things on ME with no guarantees?

Wow! That was powerful. Good thinking.


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 188 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 23
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum: Just Found Out Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.