I've been trolling a week and finally registered.
Long story short (is that possible?)
WH said in April he wanted a D. Said there was no one else, just he wasn't happy. Wanted to be single "do his thing". This was total news to me, blindsided. We have always had a good relationship (aside from my more controlling, his more lazy tendencies) and usually kept things in balance.
(Again, long story short)...after a few weeks me being in the house and us talking constantly about the issue he decided to file ( I told him I wouldn't leave until he filed). In that month I worked on myself and became the "perfect wife" (his words).However, he filed anyway, the next day he said he'd rather just separate, said he didn't want to lose me. Called the attorney and said change it to separation which I had begged him for and he'd denied until then. I'd already signed my lease and felt he needed to understand the responsibilities of having the kids (all the stress I was under taking care of 95% of our lives, that he didn't like coming home to a stressed out me). Against the advice of everyone...I gave him custody of my 3 boys (teens) and moved out.
We were still seeing each other, sleeping together etc. I heard he'd been seen around town with someone and asked him about it. He denied anything more than friendship. I told him if he wanted to date other people we could both do that. He said an adamant no (later realizing he just didn't want ME to see others lol). A few weeks later after hearing more about this OW I asked him point blank if he was interested in her. He gave me the "if I was single I would be" crap. I said, no I mean are you interested in her right NOW. He said "I don't know." I told him calmly, if you are just let me know. I think it would be best to go ahead and get divorced if you want to explore those things.
Next day he comes back and says "I want to be with you, married to you, I want this to work, I love you, I am in love with you... I was lying when I said I didn't love you anymore. Let's work on us."
Wow...awesome!
If only...
ha!
So here I think we're in R, full steam ahead although I'm in an apartment, he's at home. He wanted to work on the house so I happily took the boys for several weeks telling him "we're in this together, I am here to support you!"
Needless to say, he'd taken his relationship with this OW to a new level around that time and spent all his time with her doing all kinds of things.
I am leaving out a LOT of details that are somewhat important to condense, they may come out in later threads.
This whole time WH and I kept a continuous dialogue, open and (on my side) honest of how we felt, the trouble in our marriage, how to fix it, things we could change about ourselves etc.
Again...long story short, I finally wised up and contacted OW and between her and him the truth came out.
He'd started a PA with her at some point. She thought he had already filed for D and was on his way to being a free man. Actually, nothing was EVER filed because our attorney shelved it when he sent her a text saying I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he no longer wanted a D (the day after I asked if he was interested in the OW.)
After I found out about the A and the reality of it, he said he wanted to stay married and I told him the only chance he had was to be 100% honest and cut things off with her. I told him we needed to meet with her for this to happen and she agreed. (I'd contacted her and shown her screen shots of things he'd said to me about staying married, she didn't believe me! He really snowed her!)
We met together and before hand I warned him, there better not be any surprises.
Well, surprise...they had a wedding date picked out, had kids names picked out. She didn't know that he smokes and chews,etc. Very eye opening!
After about a half hour and hearing he'd just had sex with her that week I got up and left and told him I would see him in court and that he wasn't getting custody of the boys.
He actually sat there and talked to her for 3 more hours.
Over the next few weeks I went back and forth, divorce, reconciliation...he spent his time hedging his bets with both of us.Literally begging me not to D him, then driving straight to her place and telling her I told him i was done and they could be together.
I've told him 2 or 3 times I am done, then let myself creep back on the memories and my love for him. This is totally unlike me. I am known as someone who doesn't take $hit from anyone (divorced my ex at 18 for the same thing, no looking back-but we didn't have a family with 3 kids!). I've lost almost 30lbs, have digestive issues and am on sleeping pills.
Never in my life could I ever fathom that this person I married (whose sense of loyalty and affection was my biggest turn on) would ever, even in a billion years put me and our family through this.
This past weekend I left town to visit a friend and left with the understanding we were in R. Came back to find out he'd seen her both days I was gone, one day (according to her) with his hand down her pants. Seems like he just can't stay away.
He says there's just "something about her"....if it wasn't why wouldn't he have done it before? He always told me I never had to be afraid about him cheating because he knew he could never fall in love with someone the way he fell in love with me. ( I am too pragmatic to believe that crap and never did believe it, but it sucks it happened anyway!)
Saturday he offered his iphone and I took it all day. She texted and I got some more info from her (he is on MY cellphone plan, it's all in my name.) and confronted him with it. I was also texting her from my phone...supposedly this last time (changes every other day) he told her that he'd chosen HER and told me he wanted a divorce. On my side, he said he wanted to be with me and was done with her.
I told her to call him and she did. I handed him the phone and said "your choice". And between her screaming and crying he told her he was done with her and would "let her go" and "not bother her again." I also asked him to send her a text telling her all the things he'd been telling me. I didn't tell him the words to say. I said "text her as if you're talking to me, she doesn't know all the things you'v been saying to me about how much you love me and you're nothing without me." So he did that too. I kept his phone until today.
After this weekend I had to take a few sleeping pills and was nervous (Ambien horror stories-google it!) so I asked to stay at the house. I stayed on the couch the first 2 nights ( my AC is also broken in my apt so it's cool there too, and he begged me to stay lol). The past 2 nights I stayed in our bed. ( yes, things happened...we've never stopped any of that this entire time, OW was shocked to hear.)
Things were ok this week, being with him and talking things out. Today we went to our first session of MC and a few more things came out. He admitted that when he had trouble choosing, that part of the reason for choosing me was financials and the stability of our long marriage, the safety of it etc. That was hard to hear. I would like to be loved for me, thanks!
Also, the dynamic of me taking over the house vs him not doing anything was addressed and I asked the therapist if I should be in the house. She said no, if I felt like I would slip back into that role-which I do. He has a lot to work on from that angle, because I don't want that dynamic in my marriage anymore. I've worked on my part as well. Living in my own place has destressed me a lot on that noted.
When we left I told BS that I would stay at my apt tonight and the boys could stay with him.
Well, he went pretty ape$hit. Saying I was setting us back, breaking the bond, he wanted to be with me so he wouldn't think about her. Also he knows breaking NC is a dealbreaker for me. He admitted in a text to me a few hours ago that he didn't trust himself not to text her. He said "I know she would tell me to F off, then you would divorce me and I would be alone."
He also keeps saying at the same time that he won't text her because he knows she's not an option after what he told her last time he talked to her. (I believe she would still take him back. Hell, I have!) And I am trying to explain to him the difference of him saying "I don't want to be with her." versus " She may not want to be with me."
Right now his reason for not contacting her is because a)he knows I will D him and b) she won't talk to him.
Yet he just admitted again via text that a part of him still wants to text her, right now.
I told him I am not going to be his safety net, to be there just to save himself from making bad decisions. I've been that for 18 years and I am done. HE has to decide. He's irate that I am not there sleeping with him right now. Thinks I am being intentionally cruel.
In one text he's raging mad at me and the next he's saying he doesn't want to think, doesn't want to do any of this and doesn't know if we should R or not. I'm off that ride and simply waiting to see what he does/says.
I feel like I've gone above, beyond and back to what anyone should or would do to save their marriage. I can walk away with a clean conscience knowing I did all I could. I am not sure why I am still waiting.
Another note...I did have an appointment to file for separation this past Monday. I kept the appointment but decided not to file yet because I wasn't ready. Today he said "I know if you would have filed Monday I would be over there right now."
Wow. What?
I know this sounds obvious, but this guy seems terrified to be alone.
So if I am in a position of waiting to see if R could work, do I give him space to fall or fly (he says he doesn't know if he can try to R that way, he wants me there 24/7)...or do I go stay with him and give it 100% and freak out every time he picks up his phone. I have sworn I will never live that way again.
Thoughts? ( I may add more detail in responses, this seriously is the condensed version of my Jerry Springer life!)
(Did I mention he had an EA a few years back? He swore he was done with her then 6 months later I realized he'd broken NC. Why didn't he learn from that? He was terrified then I would leave him. I am by no means perfect and have admitted to him my "crushes" and lack of attention to our marriage at times, but I never accidentally fell on another man's penis. Repeatedly.)