I too went into my marriage "eyes wide shut," if you will. She had cheated on me when we were dating, and I looked past it, congratulating myself on what a forgiving guy I was. She was volatile, but I looked past it, congratulating myself on my easy personality. I decided that she would soften and become wholesome, that I would "rub off" on her. It was conceited and unwise.
There were things about her I found attractive, but damn, what was I thinking, really? I really wanted a relationship, but had little faith I'd find healthy reciprocated feelings, so I decided to start with whatever I could find and somehow turn it into something beautiful.
If I'm not careful I'll do the same thing all over again.
My future is uncertain but that makes it kind of exciting. The best part is that it's all up to me, I get to choose.
"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in." -Cohen
I am glad I got out. And I do have three beautiful daughters that I wouldn't have had, but for him. So we had to learn our lesson the hard way. At least we learned--right?
And thanks, NIK. It's a good motto--now I just hafta FOLLOW it!
I've come to the realization that I could be alone for the rest of my life,
I think this will be me also, and it scares me, but then I think .. "I would rather be alone than be with a cheater" and I sincerely mean it.
Even when things were 'good' for those first few years they didn't really feel authentic. I sometimes felt like I was in a RomCom. He was quite fond of the grand gesture - somehow those crumbs kept me going for almost a decade.
He used me to have children. I feared it but dismissed my gut and thought it was my FOO issues sabotaging my opportunity for happiness. He detached abandoned me emotionally virtually the moment I found out I was pregnant.
But - whatever time we wasted with them is one day less than we might have. For that I am eternally grateful.
I now have a real chance of that happiness that had eluded me during that lost decade. I am excited about my present and my future all over again - I thought I had lost that excitement forever, that my book had been written and that there was nothing I could do about it.
Instead I am undertaking a major rewrite of my future - if I had a tail you would see it wagging wildly.