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Newest Member: Depressed4ever (43230)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Multidating leads to game playing
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cmego, I'm of a similar mind. I've done little multidating in the past (partly due to lack of opportunity, I suppose, but also because I just knew it would fry my circuits).

My discomfort around it has prompted this post, and I'm just 2 dates in with these women. There's no way I could imagine multidating past 3 dates.

It's a turn-off if I know that the woman I'm dating is also dating others, but at this point I completely expect in the world of o.l.d. Like you, once makeout sessions start, I'm not willing to share.

cayc, of course misherlots is entitled to his opinion, as are we all. And we are also entitled to express our agreement or disagreement with his opinion. I think his attitude was expressed very clearly, language barrier notwithstanding.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't want to feel like I'm competing for a guys attention. Let me rephrase that...I'm NOT going to compete for a guys attention. If I'm a couple of dates in, and I like him, and he IS multi dating...I'm going to back out. I don't want tofeel like I'm on an episode of "The Bachlorette". By about date 3 or 4, I"m expecting things to be getting more physical..and I am totally not comfortable with..."sharing". So, my assumption is by that point, he isn't that into me, and I'm going to end it.

BINGO cmego... this is how I feel exactly! I am not programmed to share.....

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 8:04 AM, July 12th (Friday)]


"Life's curve balls come out of nowhere.... just remember to duck and weave!"

ME - BW - 34
HIM - XWH - 38
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2451 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Broken hearted61
♀ Member
Member # 34931
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This has been my experience. I multi date for a short time. After 3 dates I make a leap of faith and chose to see only one person. I do not want to 'string' anyone along. I also let the guys I am initially dating know that I am not into 'serial' dating but rather wanting to find one person for a long term relationship. I feel this gives them the opportunity to do the same and I want to be upfront about it.
So in the beginning I select 3-5 guys and then hide my profile when I begin to meet them.
I've only had 2 OLD experiences and the first experience resulted in a 4 month relationship. I am now in the process of meeting my second round of gentlemen.


BGF (50) me
WBF (50) him
DD#1 02/23/2012

TT 03/19/2012
Working on R (03/21/2012)
It's over: 5/5/12


Posts: 223 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cayc, of course misherlots is entitled to his opinion, as are we all. And we are also entitled to express our agreement or disagreement with his opinion. I think his attitude was expressed very clearly, language barrier notwithstanding.

Well during the throes of pain from A and D, we welcomed 2x4s because we knew we needed tough love to survive, but it seems to me that somehow it appears in NB it's not allowed. And it's not just your threads I see this attitude in. I guess I figure if you're going to put it out there and ask for help, sometimes youre going to get the help that cuts close to the bone. And that's always the help worth listening to since if it makes you upset/uncomfortable, then there''s some truth there somewhere that you''d rather not acknowledge - although I'll never discount the pure help that sympathy provides either!

OIAL you kill me b/c here on SI you''re twisting in the wind in your mind but IRL you are the man! Seriously, you always have dates, always have multiple women interested ... to me you seem fine and like you''ve got it going on. That''s a good thing, right?

ETA: the language thing. I disagree. I currently do my job in another language, i.e. I don't use English, and I'm fully aware that I inadvertantly insult people all day long. I am devoid of subtly in this language and the results can be comical. So I still think you should cut MHL some slack.

[This message edited by cayc at 9:15 AM, July 12th, 2013 (Friday)]


BS 45, WH 38
M 8 years, together 10
Real DDay 10/07/11
Too many OW to count.
D final on 6/21/12
The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed.
- Martina Navratilova

Posts: 2795 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've never been a fan of the 2x4. I know some people don't mind swinging them around, certain of their remote diagnoses and oblivious to the insult they might be bestowing upon someone who is probably not feeling so confident about things.

But that's me. Others might appreciate being diagnosed by someone they don't know as a threat to women-kind with developmental issues and mother attachment problems.

I was pretty ambivalent about whether I would respond to misherlots. It's not like I was deeply wounded. But nevertheless I don't subscribe to the statement that if a critical statement makes you upset, that the criticism is therefore correct. We all know how much projection can go on around here. Being attacked is never particularly fun, regardless of the level of truth in the accusations.

I post in flurries, at times when I'm uncertain about something and would like a broader perspective. But it seems that's turned me into a caricature in some people's eyes.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cmego asked a good question and I like the way cayc answered it. Multi-dating is perhaps a misnomer. Maybe flurry first dating is a better descriptor?

I don't get to the make out stage with more than one person. I don't get to the make out stage with very many... much to my current frustration!

As I have mentioned before, one guy is in perpetual first date mode and is likely a life long friend, unless I meet a significant SO (redundancy intentional) who warrants letting him go.

I feel like I have little "experience" to really refer to, but that is where I am right now.

I like that this community asks these questions and engages in dialogue. I hadn't considered the "gossipy" bent to it, but yeah, that is there too.

I think that dating after betrayal is like learning to walk. It certainly feels more like that to me than "riding a bicycle" and the idea that you "never forget how" is laughable.

To reflect once more on cmego's question, I don't feel like I am competing. I don't like how that would feel. I think I am fortunate if multiple opportunities arise at the same time and I can schedule it. But I am not invested yet. And maybe keeping an open mind early on keeps me from being overly invested?? That is just some thinking out loud. I don't know the answer.

I know I feel more secure than not, most days.

I also know that I have hurt someone's feelings on this board unintentionally and if they hadn't responded in a way that let me know, I would not have known! And we shared a native language. Words and nuance can be tricky. "Joking around" can cross a line when you are on the receiving end of it. I will hope that when I cross that line the person says, hey, that hurt and I wasn't expecting it (which is why it hurts so much?). Then I can apologize! I have never seen anyone in this community outside of trolls who disappear quite quickly... I have never seen anyone who delights in delivering hurt.

ok, climbing off of soapbox now.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5310 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
seekingright2013
♀ Member
Member # 37991
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just want to say I appreciate the sand it takes to ask the questions OIAL asks here in NB. It's helpful to me, even though I'm not ready at all to begin dating again -- I want to, one day, and somehow reading about the experiences here is helping me get my mind right about dating & OLD.

So, thank you, OIAL --and She11ybeanz and cmego and others -- who have shared their hesitations, questions, uncertainties and general thoughts in this forum. It takes courage to open up to others in this way, and to ask for opinions and feedback. I'm learning a lot through your experiences and I am grateful to you.

And I sooooo appreciate the vicarious thrills you all are providing me


BSO, 53
exWSO, who cares
DD: 11/18/12
DD2: 11/21/12
Kicked him to the curb 11/21/12
I tramp a perpetual journey.
― Walt Whitman, Song of Myself

Posts: 116 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Red State SE US
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, seeking, you have yet to hear about Sad in AZ's "experience" with Cheezy Nut Man...


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
Celebrating 60 years on Earth

Posts: 16635 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
seekingright2013
♀ Member
Member # 37991
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Au contraire, FF, I did read Sad's post (somewhere) on cheesy nut man! Thank you for reminding me though. Cheesy nut man is LEGEND.

Was it Sad who had the email from the would-be tomato farmer?? I can't remember the details, just that I laughed my head off

I think I have you, FF, to thank for calling plenty of fish "plenty of freaks" !! I couldn't even type that without cracking up.

I LOVE all the dating threads !!

[This message edited by seekingright2013 at 11:29 PM, July 12th (Friday)]


BSO, 53
exWSO, who cares
DD: 11/18/12
DD2: 11/21/12
Kicked him to the curb 11/21/12
I tramp a perpetual journey.
― Walt Whitman, Song of Myself

Posts: 116 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Red State SE US
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone for being so open. It truly helps us that have only dipped our feet into dating.

The Cheezy nut man stories and all the OLD sites advice is just hysterical! We all have something like that I am sure.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone for being so open. It truly helps us that have only dipped our feet into dating.

The Cheezy nut man stories and all the OLD sites advice is just hysterical! We all have something like that I am sure.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 51
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