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User Topic: I'm angry! No one knows!
notwillingtoquit
♂ New Member
Member # 33696
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so glad to have found SI when things went south, but almost 3 years after D-day #1, I'm no further ahead :-(

I'm ashamed to still be in "limbo"...attempts to 180 backfire on me...I still feel paralysed...she shows no remorse (still). She blame shifts to this day.

But one thing has become very clear to me lately: I feel like she "got away with it"...that no one close to us knows. I never told her family...never told mine. It makes me so mad!!!

In a recent BIG fight (as is the case in many of our fights), she threw the D-word around...I threatened to finally expose her to everyone...but I never do...because I know it will truly be the end of us. I realize this is a power she holds over me :-(

OK...my chin is up...eyes closed...bring on the 2 x 4's! LOL

F**k this sh** s**ks :-(


ME = BS
Her = WS
D-Day (#1) = July 23, 2010
PA D-Day = Oct. 20, 2011

Posts: 39 | Registered: Oct 2011
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but I never do...because I know it will truly be the end of us.

Why?


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7944 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
PinkJeepLady
♀ Member
Member # 37575
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's ok to be angry! Please don't be ashmed to be in "limbo", you certaintly aren't alone!
You know, not telling her family or yours shows a lot of personal control on your part. It's probably not a good thing to do in anger anyway. Maybe you will someday, maybe you won't. Whatever you do doesn't mean "she got away with it". I think you might be saying you want remorse and action to help you guys heal?
Just one thought, you would be really surprised at the reactions family members have to infidelity. Some are judgemental, some not, some politely ignore it, some get angry and vocal. If you do decide to tell others, be ready for a mix of reactions! I only told a very select few and they surprised me, some not so good.
I just want to give you support! You are OK! You are surviving the best way you can, hang on!


Me: BW-54. Him-FWH 54. DDay June 1st 2012 cheating with prostitutes overseas
R-ing
"Not everything that counts is counted. Not everything that is counted counts." Albert Einstein

Posts: 478 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:56 PM, July 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...eyes closed

That may be the problem. She's telling, no showing you who she is. You, for whatever reason are refusing to *see* it. Why is that? If she's willing to wait til you *get over it*, why would she ever change if there are no repercussions for her behavior.

She is throwing the D word around? Why haven't you filed? I do totally understand the kids/vows thing. BTDT. Stuck around my first M way too long and do you know what? It really wasn't me who paid the price for honoring my vows to someone who couldn't give less than a nickel. It was my DS who paid that price in spades. Really messed up his idea of what a healthy relationship looks like.

Rant done.

I'm ashamed to still be in "limbo"...attempts to 180 backfire on me...I still feel paralysed...she shows no remorse (still). She blame shifts to this day.

Don't be ashamed. This is all one large bovine excrement sandwich that isn't easy to swallow no matter how small the bites.

Trouble with the 180? I don't understand what you mean when you say it backfires. The 180 is about healing you. It really has little to do with her other than minimizing contact. It is designed to allow you more space to work on you!

It will end when you hit your limit. Do you know where your line in the sand is? Can you stick to it when the time comes.

Strength to help endure the trying times ahead.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
notwillingtoquit
♂ New Member
Member # 33696
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@gonnabe: I just know that if it gets out, she'll leave.

I think you might be saying you want remorse and action to help you guys heal?

...^Yes!^ Thanks Pink :-)

Indeed, I can imagine how different family members will react differently, but I'm not too concerned with that now. Perhaps just getting tired of carrying this dirty secret around on my own :-P

@5454:

why would she ever change if there are no repercussions for her behaviour?

This is my issue, and "double-edged sword" if you will: Repercussions will not lead to remorse or R, in my opinion. Just D.

Why haven't I filed? I almost feel like she should have to do it. She had the affair...but she won't leave the house...Sick game of chicken perhaps?

As for the 180 back-firing: Any time I spend on me earns me a big fat guilt-trip, "you're being selfish", "you're being a baby doing the things you like", etc. Don't get me wrong - I do stuff anyways - to make me happy (temporarily). But then I have to deal with the fallout afterward. Plus, with 2 small kids, it's like I need her permission to scratch my *ss! LOL. So 180 is not really reaching that goal of making me more attractive to her, etc. It just pisses her off.

With the time that has passed, triggers are not as bad anymore, I can sleep (most of the time)...but what a shi**y existence. And now, I just feel like a ticking time-bomb.

It will end when you hit your limit.

Probably :-(


ME = BS
Her = WS
D-Day (#1) = July 23, 2010
PA D-Day = Oct. 20, 2011

Posts: 39 | Registered: Oct 2011
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 1:16 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So do I have this right?....Your Dday was almost 3 years ago and your WW is calling you a baby for doing things that YOU like to do? Huh. That seems pretty rude.

She only holds power over you because you have given that power to her.

Repercussions will not lead to remorse or R, in my opinion. Just D

Under the current circumstances.....is this really such an awful thing? Doesn't that kind of tell you all that you need to know? Because there is not much on this earth that is worse than trying to live a fulfilling life with an unremorseful WS.

What you are saying with that statement is that you aren't willing to enforce your own personal boundaries. Until you are ready, willing, and able to do that, your WW is going to keep right on plowing through them.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7944 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 1:20 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So 180 is not really reaching that goal of making me more attractive to her, etc.

That's why I said

The 180 is about healing you. It really has little to do with her other than minimizing contact. It is designed to allow you more space to work on you!

When you're doing the 180 correctly,

It just pisses her off.

Will give a response of "so what?"

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Kalliopeia
♀ Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 1:29 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tell everyone. She is floating in her big bubble of "trust" that you don't want to do anything to hurt her. We all get that feeling that if we make one wrong move our betrayer will leave.

She won't. She will have hysterics and cry and guilt trip you. But after a while when she realizes her little world where you keep her secrets and she gets to bully and gaslight you is all blown apart and the real world with family and friends looking at her and giving her the message that she blew it and is a cheater with no remorse.. her perspective will change.

TELL EVERYONE.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How did om's W respond when you told her?

I think your head, your heart, and your gut aren't in sync. It sounds like your head has decided to stay for your kids, whether your W changes or not. Your heart and gut seem to be rebelling - they don't like what you're doing.

IMO, if your decision were really solid, you'd be pretty comfortable, you wouldn't be angry. Your anger says to me that your kids (and vows) aren't really good enough reasons for you to stay.

My sense is that you want to do something to make your W change, even though you know that doesn't work. Only your W can change herself. Sounds to me like you're focusing on changing her in order to avoid changing yourself.

What is it that you're not willing to quit? Is your perserverance really helping you in this case?

[This message edited by sisoon at 8:16 AM, July 12th (Friday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9991 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
notwillingtoquit
♂ New Member
Member # 33696
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First off...thank you ALL for your replies. In a way, this feels like a good IC session (with a better price tag! LOL)...you've held up the mirror to me, got me thinking about things differently, facing things...

@Kalliopeia:

In my early days on SI, I frequently saw and got the advice to be cautious who I told...because these things can't be "un-told", if you know what I mean. Believe me, if I let me emotions run the show I'd hack her FB account and make it her own status update...and be sure to tag OM! :-O

@54

On the 180: I am feel like it's something more suited to a separation situation. Trying to take time for me while still living together, sharing the same bed, family / household responsibilities is quite a challenge. maybe I'm just misunderstanding it. I guess I'll try to look at it with "different eyes".

@sisoon

Whoa! Deeeep thoughts...but probably pretty close to the mark...still re-reading and digesting what you said.

As for the OW...she flipped out and I had all 3 of them against me! (GRRR!)

I think I wrote about it in an early post...not sure how to find a link that...I'll check...

Is your perserverance really helping you in this case?

Doesn't seem like it, eh?

Again...please know that I appreciate all of your feedback. This has been a rough stretch and you guys are really helping!


ME = BS
Her = WS
D-Day (#1) = July 23, 2010
PA D-Day = Oct. 20, 2011

Posts: 39 | Registered: Oct 2011
Topic Posts: 10

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