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Newest Member: Unrepairable (44283)

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User Topic: can someone explain...
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...hoovering? I think I get what it is in concept but would like to be sure. Pretty sure its what's happening right now and one of the reasons I'm reluctant to let my guard down in any way.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2639 | Registered: Oct 2012
MovingUpward
♂ Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From an article on a blog, they define it as such.


Trying to break free from someone who won’t let you go?
.
Wanting to end a relationship with someone who keeps trying suck you back in with manipulations?

You’re being hoovered!


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 51511 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
wifeno2
♀ Member
Member # 31529
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've seen other members explain it much better but I will give it a try. Its when the BS is finally breaking free and the WS starts to try to suck you back in. They may have been the one pulling away, unremorseful, etc but when you finally have enough and start to move on they will suddenly start doing/saying anything they think will hook you back in.

Of course typically this will only be a temporary thing and when you are pulled back in they resume their previous behaviors.

I think there are more thorough discussions in ICR- I think the NPD thread.


Me-BW (45)
Him-WS (42)
DS 19 (prior relationship)
DS-8
DDay #1- 10/22/2010 EA/PA with MOW coworker
Dday#2:11/17/2010 beginning secret emails with potential OW#2
DDay #3 11/22/2010 still seeing OW#1
Too many DD's to count: Now up to OW #6.

Posts: 696 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: the south
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

http://my.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=480828

Hoovering is when a person doesn't treat you well and then does that one nice thing that gives you hope, and it repeats in cycles. What kinds of things are happening right now, Unagie?


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
"Not my monkeys. Not my circus." ~Polish proverb (<~~~ as a codependent person, this comes in handy sometimes!)

Posts: 3882 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Uniagie.

Based on some of your posts I've read I'd say hoovering is a definite possibility in your case.

I think a lot of members have gained strength from the metaphor.The visual helps with a reminder of what real care and consideration looks like versus manipulation.


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16420 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys. Since our last talk where I told him I couldn't take anymore and if nothing changed I was ready to walk he's been sweet and attentive even asking if I needed to talk about all the mess our lives are which he's never done. I'm just wary to accept it and trust it. Feels like he realized I was serious because I finally was and he's putting real effort this time but its been so little for so long I'm eyeing it with little trust.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2639 | Registered: Oct 2012
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep. That sounds exactly like Hoovering. Watch his actions, Unagie, and keep preparing yourself to walk away. Real remorse has to come from a genuine desire to change, not just because he senses you're leaving and he wants to keep you on the hook. He needs to work on HIMSELF. Follow your instincts and don't let down your guard.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
"Not my monkeys. Not my circus." ~Polish proverb (<~~~ as a codependent person, this comes in handy sometimes!)

Posts: 3882 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Silver it's what I thought and what it feels like. I have a new job I can work anywhere and my dog is cleared for travel so if the actions don't match I will continue preparing myself.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2639 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 8

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