Should I be talking about it more? Our MC says I need to come to him alone to unload my feelings but I don't want to even do that. :/
Finally this is R 8/14/13
"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.
At the same time, if you want to R, he has to be with you, and you have to find whatever you need that will allow you to share, for 2 reasons.
First, sharing feelings helps R succeed. Sharing feelings brings people together.
Second, this tests your WS. If he provides support when you're sad and scared and listens non-defensively when you vent your anger, you both win. If he doesn't, and if he doesn't learn how to do these things, you have some evidence for why R isn't going well.
Sharing feelings seem to make you weaker, but actually it is an exercise in strength. Try it out - if he steps up, do more. If he doesn't, you can find someone else to provide emotional support (like an IC, not like a new partner - I'm opposed to looking for a new partner until you dump your current one).
I hope he'll deliver - but no one will know how he'll respond until you test him.
[This message edited by sisoon at 1:21 PM, July 12th (Friday)]
[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 2:36 PM, July 12th (Friday)]
This is why I think that a period of "not divorcing" is a good step between dday and R. Your dday is very recent. It is understandable that you are angry and have much to work through. OTOH, even if your WH wants to R and wants to support you, he has not had much time to own his crap and begin to process through his wayward thinking.
Now, I am all for venting at the WS, he or she caused this mess and as far as I am concerned can damn well face the fire. But I do not expect this venting to move the M relationship forward; it is just the BS letting out some of the explosion of emotion.
Eventually it will be helpful for you to work through with your WH (if you intend to R) your feelings about his betrayal. This is a BIG part of your M to WH now. If you are to R, I think that you ultimately need to have a common understanding (not necessarily agreement) of his A and the feelings you both had at the time. This will likely be easier to do once he has some insight and understanding to why he had his A and what he was trying to accomplish, and you have made some progress towards acceptance and healing.
For now, unloading with alone with MC (IC) will give you a chance to put your feelings to voice, and some assistance in sorting through what you feel and what you need to move forward. Reprocessing an event multiple times is a common technique for coming to acceptance and eventual self-soothing after a traumatic event. The important part is to process through these feelings, not wallow in them nor ignore them.