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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Finally starting to be interested in dating - and it's scary
Crash!
♀ Member
Member # 32662
Default  Posted: 4:08 AM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi there,

I read here a lot, though I don't often post.

I'm finally interested in dating again, and have begun to get crushes and feelings for guys. It was 2 years of basically feeling no interest at all, working on myself, and just getting my life in order.

But suddenly, a couple months ago, I found myself looking at couples and thinking I'd like to have that. And I found myself looking at a couple guys I know and thinking I'd like to have that too.

One in particular, he's on my sports team, which is basically like a family to me. They were the only people I knew in town when my ex and I split, so I kind of think of them as a safe space, where I can go be myself and be supported. But recently, he and I have been spending a lot of time together. People have even commented, that we're always talking or teasing each other, and even though I made a rule that I wouldn't date anyone from the team, I could feel myself starting to like him.

So a few weeks ago he said to me that he really likes me, but that he's got some issues with his ex and he's not sure what's happening there. They're complicated because she lives out of town and has a kid, and she's complicated with HER ex. I don't know, I didn't want to know too much. He basically warned me about himself. So I told him that I think he's awesome but I don't want to take a chance on that, and he should sort his stuff out and get back to me.

I tried so hard to keep just seeing him as a friend. But a couple nights ago after a game, a group of us went to the pub, and suddenly he and I were holding hands under the table, and then we were walking down the street arm in arm.. and everyone else vanished, and then he kissed me. I had the presence of mind to stop him and ask what the deal was with the ex, and he said they weren't in contact anymore.

So he wound up back at my place. We didn't sleep together, but we did a bunch of other stuff, and then he cuddled me all night, and kept rolling over to give me kisses and stuff, and then in the morning we fooled around again. And then as he was leaving I said that I had the morning after weirds, and he just left without saying much of anything. But he texted me after to see if I was ok, and we've been in contact by text and email quite a few times a day. He always asks a question, asks about what I've said, etc.

We're going out on Wednesday, but it's one I initiated, because I have vouchers for a restaurant we both like.

And I'm nervous. Terrified. I actually started crying when he left, and haven't really calmed down much since.

Part of it is because he wasn't verbally reassuring afterwards. I have no idea what he wants. He told me a while ago that he's liked me for a while, but he didn't do any of that "I like you, I want to see you again" business the other night, and I just don't know where his head's at or what he wants or anything. That's scary to me.

Part of it is the ex thing.

Part of it is getting naked with a guy I've only kissed up until this point. I don't usually do that and it's made me feel all vulnerable.

Part of it is that I'm afraid that if things go wrong, my sports team won't be my little happy place anymore.

And part of it is just plain old fear of getting hurt or rejected.

But... I like him. He's kind and funny and smart, loves his family and does charity work, and we get along really well. It's kind of too late to back out now, because no matter what happens we're not just friends. I'm kind of kicking myself, because he warned me he wasn't in the best place, but that was also a few weeks ago and I told him to get back to me when he was ready. Which maybe he was. or maybe he just fancied a makeout. I don't know.

And part of me thinks I need to take a chance at one point anyway, because if I never take a risk I'll have a lot of things that could have happened, and maybe a lot of regrets. I have to try sometime, right?

I'm sure my fear has something to do with my ex. How bad the breakup was, all the big and small rejections, how long it took me to feel normal again. And even that's a new normal.

Advice, please. But be gentle. I feel fragile. I like him, and in my ideal world we'd like each other and be vocal about it, and then keep hanging out.


I got out. I think I saved myself.

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: UK
inhishands55
♀ Member
Member # 9454
Default  Posted: 4:20 AM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't beat yourself up...Don't over analyze your first date with this guy..

I remember when I started seeing my guy and I was like you...I didn't get upset, but I thought did I say something I shouldn't have or did something I shouldn't have...

If your relationship is too be it will take time..Please don't compare him with anyone from your past...I use to do that and my guy would set me straight right from the get go...

My guy just came out of the woodwork...I didn't meet him on the internet, I met him in person...Really different. Not a bad, thing...I know it will be hard for you to disconnect if he is in your sports team...Just take it one day at a time...Remember, he has to be able to face you too, if it doesn't work out...
JMHO

I was like you, everyone I saw was a couple and I felt like the third wheel...Well, that is not to be anymore..So take care of you and keep posting dear....


Posts: 408 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: The Tarheel State, in the mts.
Crash!
♀ Member
Member # 32662
Default  Posted: 5:10 AM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for that! I just have no idea how this stuff works anymore so it's confusing me!

I know I'm being a pessimist, but, is it a bad sign that he didn't say he enjoyed himself or wanted to see me again soon after we spent the night together? Or the fact that he's so recently finished with an on again off again ex?

How much time does it take for these things to not feel so shaky? What happens while it's in the in between phase?

It's just so uncertain, and there's so much potential to get hurt!

[This message edited by Crash! at 5:18 AM, July 13th (Saturday)]


I got out. I think I saved myself.

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: UK
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We truly can't know what's up with this guy and your description of him is filtered through your fears/wants so I'm not going to comment on if he's a good choice or not.

I am going to say that being ready to date is more than about being attracted to people or enjoying the attention of people who find you attractive.

For me, I knew I was truly ready when I thought, hey, I'm kind of awesome and any guy who's with me is lucky. In short, I was whole enough and confident enough that finding an SO was about sharing me rather than completing me, if that makes sense.

And I went into each encounter hopeful, a little queasy scared, and not wanting to be rejected (b/c who does????) ... but I coached myself each time. "It doesn't matter if they reject you cayc, you tried, you were friendly, generous, and if they don't want to be around you that's their loss". So rejection would hurt, but it wouldn't devastate/de-rail me.

And I also went into each encounter knowing that there were certain things I needed to say about me, and certain questions I needed to ask of him. Perhaps you should think about this. As in, part of the burden of communicating with anyone falls on you too. So you need to say what you need. Not in a demanding way. But just in a "hey, we moved a little fast, I've been attracted to you for awhile, I tried to stay away b/c I wasn't sure you were completely not with this other women, but now here we are .... and ..." and whatever it is you want. To date him? To sleep with him again? To not date him b/c it would mess up your safe activity?

The point of dating is YOU auditioning people for your life. And if you don't feel up to ruthlessly doing that (by knowing who you are, what's acceptable, what's not, and being able to articulate both), then it's may still be too soon to date. Or rather, you needed this experience to learn this point.

So please don't feel guilty for what happened. Beginning to date as part of NB is like picking up that old sporting activity that you did as a teen. You sort of remember how. The rules are fuzzy in your head. But you are out of practice. Hence mistakes will be made, messiness will occur, and you will make plenty of false starts (i.e. all are opportunities to learn about yourself and what your needs truly are).


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3120 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cayc nailed it.

For me, I knew I was truly ready when I thought, hey, I'm kind of awesome and any guy who's with me is lucky. In short, I was whole enough and confident enough that finding an SO was about sharing me rather than completing me, if that makes sense.

I'd say it has taken me about 3 years to get here ^^^^ too.

I didn't look at a man the first year, I hated them all. When I came out of the healing/pain fog, I stumbled onto my first "guy" by accident. I totally fucked it up...we totally fucked it up. Neither of us was truly ready to date, but I wouldn't trade the experience now. The kicker is...if we had met later, we probably would have worked better, but it is what it is.

He said the same thing to me, "I'm not ready." We stayed friends for about 2 months...but neither of us listened and we fell in. The push/pull started from both of us and we broke up within 4 months.

On the other hand, I felt desired again, I felt...attractive. He didn't care I wasn't physically perfect, I needed him as much as he needed me.

Now? I wouldn't touch a guy like him with a 10 foot pole. I can SEE guys that are not ready to really date and I avoid them. But, I had to have the experience in order to learn from it...if that makes sense. Over three years from d-day, and I'm just now getting to the "I rock." stage.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4185 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is scary. Breathe. Be. Love yourself. Speak your mind. Act bravely even when you are shaking in your shoes. Know that being vulnerable is also being strong and brave. Use your voice. And trust yourself to be okay no matter what happens.

And come back and post often. We get it...


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3209 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
Crash!
♀ Member
Member # 32662
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses.

I'm really proud of the work I've done on myself, and how far I've come. When we split, I had no job, no money, nowhere to live, and no local friends. We'd just moved to a new city together, and it took a lot for me to stay out and build a life for myself. So I do think I'm pretty awesome and have something to offer. I was single and n


I got out. I think I saved myself.

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: UK
Crash!
♀ Member
Member # 32662
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses.

I'm really proud of the work I've done on myself, and how far I've come. When we split, I had no job, no money, nowhere to live, and no local friends. We'd just moved to a new city together, and it took a lot for me to stay out and build a life for myself. So I do think I'm pretty awesome and have something to offer. I was single and not dating for 2 years, and quite happy with that, doing stuff on my own, finding what makes me happy. But suddenly I miss dating and relationships and kissing, so that's where I'm at.

I think I put up a load of walls after my ex, because I wanted to be tough and get through it. And I also think my ex got in my head a lot because he hated emotional stuff and used to shut me out and ignore me.

And now if I want to give a guy a chance I have to be open and vulnerable, and the thought names me want to cry. I don't know if I trust myself to be ok, though I do feel a bit brave about taking a chance with him.

Aw, he texts me every few hours just to say what he's up to, and asks me about my day. If it weren't for the thing about his ex, and the fact that he didn't actually say he likes me or wants to see me again or anything...I'd be quite happy, I think. But as it is, I have not lost my appitite like this since my ex. I usually love my food.
I just don't feel brave at all today. Too much uncertainty, lots of risks...


I got out. I think I saved myself.

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 8

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