Thank you Chicho,
I am out on the road alot for my job now. I continually have to pull myself back to the moment. It is exhausting. Then to show up at a strangers home and try to be upbeat and pleasant, interested in their decor, I feel as if I am continually fighting myself.
I am at work today, texted h about how I was struggling today, needed his support. He was supposed to come with me but now cannot. He has only texted back short, one word replies and now has not replied for 2 hours. It says to me I really don't want to deal with this, you don't matter.
On one hand I feel degraded by asking, but how can he know what I need if I don't say?
Also, maybe it is a test. Push to see if he will ever give.
My text to him was about my struggle with going away alone. My fear of driving so long alone, having to be apart. That I didn't think I could do it.
His reply was Well that is good for me. I guess that is ok, but I think I really want reassurance. Go, it will be good for you, you are safe now, I am sorry that you have to have such conflict over such a simple thing because of my actions.
I am a fool for wanting what he cannot give.
No expectations, no hurt.