When life changes to be harder, change yourself to be stronger.
I am not good at giving advice to others but I can say that there is a goldmine of information on how to deal with infidelity in the healing library. The 180 does work, it helped me put one foot in front of the other when this happened to me. You can read my story in my profile, I divorced my husband and don't regret it. Many people on here have also reconciled with their spouses, either way you will find lots of support on these forums.
Oh and please, please get checked for STD's.... He could be lying about the condom use, and even if he did use one some STDs can be still be passed. Your health isn't worth gambling on.
Take care and big HUGS from one betrayed spouse to another.
"And this above all else, to thine own self be true"
Lay low and get your ducks in a row; consult an attorney so you know what your rights are in your state. Tell him nothing of what it is you are doing.
Do the 180 on him.
Kick him out if you can; many posters here say that kicking the spouse out of the house was the best thing they did. When there is no more secrecy and they have to be around the affair partner 24/7, the " newness" wears out and the true person comes out. The true person may not be what the WS and the AP had fantasized the other to be. You'll be surprised how fast they come running back crying and asking for forgiveness.
Give yourself 3 months to think straight because your emotions are taking over now. Then, and only then, decide what you want to do. ONLY YOU know what you must do. This is your life.
If you take him back have him sign a contract stating your boundaries and the consequences in case he does not abide by them .But if you do so, be prepared to act on the consequences if he goes back to his old ways because if you don't, he will never ever again take you seriously.
Good luck to you. Keep us posted.
The roller coaster ride of emotions is pretty intense. Try to rest when you can. Eat when you can. Get support from friends, relatives and the folks here. Post often, we are here to listen to you. You are not alone!!
So sorry for your pain, doubt and hard times. It should not happen with the one who should be our "steady rock".
I had a horrific time with the rumor mill, which continues to spin around, even though I slowed the water down by dipping out of public range and almost going into hiding for a time. It got so I couldn't believe my own parents and everyone was throwing advice at me and I couldn't think or breathe. Anyway...
Some things from that time period of a few months ago stand out more than others, but one thing is, to trust most friends.
The only person in the whole world who had nothing to gain by giving me the truth is a friend I almost lost because of my grief and lashing out, but she knew where I was coming from emotionally and held onto me like a life raft after she told me.
Note: She is a fellow BS!
Family did not tell me and even my own mother knew, so just because one relationship may be "closer" than another, doesn't always mean truth will come from there. In the books and movies it should, shouldn't it?
I will say to believe your very own gut, for you may know your husband best.
STBXH here said things that he hoped would minimalize what he was doing, the whole condom thing and he even claimed that OW got checked for STD's, but he flatly refused. He tried to say that "she was negative, so I must be and we used a condom, so no one will have anything", at the same time he said, "oh, that never occurred to me" and so on.
What I found too, is that if something happened that is significant, chances are good that you will become aware of it in some form or other. Oftentimes, it's been me finding out by myself, by accident or by slip up of STBXH, like when he was around more and taking things away he would drop things or forget a piece of paper from the cabinet, etc...if your WH does things on the computer and internet, you can find those things out, too.
Evidence and action is far more believable than words, which can be altered. Often evidence cannot.
You sound a lot like I felt at one time and from where you are, what I had to do was find my "threshold", a/k/a, deal breakers.
I still don't know all of what STBXH did, but I finally got to a point in winter where I had to shut off any word of him and I am still there. He is not part of my future and simply causes so much pain I cannot function, so I find that I simply shut off communication about his personal or daily life-I also find him disgusting now, almost physically dirty, and still have no idea how many women he may have been with now...as my own fog lifts.
I hope your fog lifts soon as you gather information. I agree with the posts that say to keep the info. close at hand, for when I would casually ask STBXH something, he would yell at me and once called me a liar. I was/am not.
I wish you well and a flashlight with which to navigate through this tunnel.
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
You absolutely have every right to demand that he write a "No Contact" letter, or make a phone call in front of you. You also have every right to know ALL his passwords to his phone, his email account, his FB, etc.
This man has just destroyed your world as you know it -- he has proven he cannot be trusted. If he truly wants to reconcile, and he truly feels remorse, he will have no problem with giving you those passwords. He no longer has a right to privacy - which is a consequence of his horrific actions, and NOT you being overly dramatic.
It takes time, and evidence of consistent change to move forward after an affair; it's not easy. :( It is also completely normal to feel as if you're on an emotional roller coaster. Hang in there, Joyless, and keep posting! You will get through this.
You get open, unfettered access to all forms of communication. He must work to restore trust! You figure out what it is you need to feel secure. If that is a polygraph - given the accusation to ONS - so be it!
If the OW is married - inform her BS quickly and quietly. If they work together closely - time to look for a new job!
If he hesitates - know ahead of time how you will answer that.
And yes, get tested for STD's.
I don't think I've heard of a single case here where the claim to have used protection was true.
But most importantly, breathe. You don't have to do it all right this minute. You have to eat, stay hydrated, take care of the kids... This is a marathon - whichever way things spin. Focus first and foremost on what you need to stay sane!