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User Topic: Confrontation tomorrow
quoththeraven1
♂ Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Butterfly Girl:
It's a little more than just fear of unknown changes. Little Prince Charming and I are ministers who are colleagues in a number of things. I was trying to protect two congregations, a school, a youth camp, and my own career, now likely over. This will become a scandal of nightmarish proportions. But there's little if anything that I can do about that.
Ironically, I listened last evening as a man poured out his heart over a wife who left him recently. Assured him that people would not blame him and pledged my support to him. And I am convinced of that for him, but not for me, simply because I have so much for which to answer in my life.
Also please understand that I thought I was doing the right thing by withholding information regarding what was supposed to be an affair in the past. When I say we had been friends, I meant as two couples. I still consider her a friend, just not her little coward of a husband

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
trebleclef
♀ Member
Member # 33488
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending prayers of courage. You are to be respected as a man of integrity who is doing what he knows is the right thing regardless of the consequences. You are a rare bird.
God bless you.

One word of warning. The scripture days "the truth will set you free". Please don't hide the truth. I have a minister friend whose wife had an A. He didnt ever want anyone to know. He later ended up marrying the church secretary. It's twenty years later and people STILL believe HE "ran off with the secretary" because they don't know any different. His 'protection of his personal privacy' has cost him his friends, his family, his ministry, and very nearly his faith.

Speak the truth.


True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

Posts: 1809 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Alberta
quoththeraven1
♂ Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Trebleclef (alto or soprano???) I don't think I deserve any praise but I guess I can use even an undeserved pat on the back about now. And I agree regarding the truth. I also have a friend suffering through similar circumstances even now. I wish that he would let his grown children in on the secret; they think he just up and divorced their mother, and they despise him for it

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I admire you! You are doing the right thing.


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1249 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Little Prince Charming and I are ministers who are colleagues in a number of things. I was trying to protect two congregations, a school, a youth camp, and my own career, now likely over.

The pain of infidelity knows no shame.

(((quoththeraven1))))


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
quoththeraven1
♂ Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whine and rambling alert!
Old fridge was DOA, so I had to buy a new one. I asked my friend who's wife just left him to help me carry the old one out and the new one in. Really did it to get his mind off of his trouble. I think he saw through my motives, and appreciated it anyway. I offered to spend some time with him doing nothing in particular, and he said he'd take me up on it.
Ironically my secret situation is far worse than his. It's not that I felt like a fraud reassuring him that God and his brethren would be there for him, because I believe that it is true. It's just that I could have used the same kind of encouragement for so long, but I'm supposed to be the one with the answers. I don't know if I'll get the chance to provide that kind of help once my situation is exposed. Gotta do it anyway. Not wavering, just whining

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
quoththeraven1
♂ Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UPDATE:
New plan: Can't stand the thought of sending a message to the BW. I also don't want to do this while Little Prince Charming is on an overseas mission trip. (The very idea...) We have a mutual friend, minister and professional counselor. Sunday evening, we are going to his house for a full disclosure session with his wife

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
JanetS
♀ Member
Member # 2766
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you are doing the right thing. And bringing along the mutual friend is very wise for many reasons....including credibility.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Now, do not assume that you will lose your ministry. You may be very surprised how much support you will receive.


Posts: 2574 | Registered: Nov 2003 | From: Niagara-on-the-Lake, Canada
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My church has been rock solid in their support of me. STBX tried to slander me & spread misinformation about me. The pastors saw right through him. STBX's parting words to them were "F you!" His nature was clearly revealed.

I've discovered that churches which actually have the blessing of the Holy Spirit are full of wise people who know when to gather 'round and help others with their crosses.

Don't be afraid.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9637 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
quoththeraven1
♂ Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UPDATE:
T minus 3 and a half hours. Internet was down until just a while ago. Received an e-mail from Little Prince Charming asking me to delay telling his wife until he got back from overseas. No, I'm not doing it, and no, I didn't respond, and no, I didn't tell him I was coming. He hinted that things would probably go very bad for both of us. On that I agree. But way, way, way too late. He had a week to tell her that stretched to 2. Oh, and then there's the 15 years before that. Strong possibility that some of his family will be visiting with him on his last night in the states. Again, too bad. He could have avoided all of this.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
Wonderingwhy11
♀ Member
Member # 34782
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would not let OM put you off from telling his BW. She deserve to know the truth.

In my case I wish the OBH would have contacted me when he found out. Maybe the A would have ended. Instead it got more involved. After OBH found out my WH felt guilty and eventually decided he needed to leave me. He didn't leave but he didn't end the A. From what I can tell the A became more intense - not sure why because WH tells me he was trying to end it and I know this is a lie and have told him so. Even when I found out the contact continued even though WH said there was no way he was going to meet her again. So it took over two years from when her BH found out and 6 months after I found out to end the A. But I still will never know and not knowing is killing me. Knowing he tried to end it and it kept going hurts me.

I have thought about contacting the OBH but he already knew and chose not to contact me.

So I think you should contact OBW and give her the proof she can't deny or her WH can deny. It is not about revenge it is about giving someone the knowledge to know what they are living with and make decisions for themselves.


Me BW - 46
Him WH - 53
Together 23 yrs, Married 18
DDay August 2011
2 kids - 13 and 15

Gotta love the life that we livin'


Posts: 376 | Registered: Feb 2012
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll be praying that you find the most compassionate and loving way to let Prick Charming's BW know what is going on. Remember, you didn't cause this, you can't change it, and you can't control it. Tell the truth that needs to be told. Shine the light on this darkness. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4794 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll be praying that you find the most compassionate and loving way to let Prick Charming's BW know what is going on. Remember, you didn't cause this, you can't change it, and you can't control it. Tell the truth that needs to be told. Shine the light on this darkness. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4794 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Offhispedestal
♀ Member
Member # 32528
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Without a doubt you are doing the right thing.


ME-44
WH-45
Married 24


2Beautiful daughters
DD 6/26/10 (he broke down & confessed)
DD#2 3/14/11 H in OW's car
TT 7/1/11 (NC broken, through emails)

In R


Posts: 634 | Registered: Jun 2011
Crushed1
♀ Member
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Raven))) I'm glad you're ending the charade he's been playing all these years.


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9710 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you will be in my prayers this evening.

strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2803 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
quoththeraven1
♂ Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 1:48 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, as planned, the mutual friend and I showed up at his house at 9. Extended family was there as feared. They know something's up, but I agree to come back at 10:30. When we rang the doorbell, LPC says that she already knows. I told him that I would need to talk to her anyway because I didn't trust him.
Turns out she knew a lot more than I ever suspected. And she knew a lot more than I did up until I found out the truth in 2008. Finding out that their inappropriate relationship included screwing around was a shock to her. She also filled in some blanks for me. I apologized to her as humbly as I know how for not having told her everything as soon as I found out. I recommended that she make a doctor's appointment, and follow her recommendations. I told her that he will have seen it before and would know how to deal with the anxiety.
I also gave her my cell number and e-mail, and gave her my wife's number in case she wanted to call and give her the good cursing she deserves. I sort of think God gives us a pass on language in such circumstances.
I gave her much brutal truth. She didn't want to know the sexual details contained in the letters I had read, and I respected that. BW seemed to think a couple of times that I was giving my wife a pass because of harsh things I said about Little Prince Charming. I was quick to say, "No, that's not so. She behaved as a whore, but she's not here right now, and he is. Besides that, I have no urge to punch a woman, and right now I want to put him in the hospital."
Little Prince Charming? Not a shred of real remorse. He's managing the situation. He thinks that she'll protect him, and that was her instinct from what she said. She is scared of the future. Truthfully, I am too. LPC seems to think that I'll be damaged more than he, and he may be right.
I only lost my cool once when he started to lie, and I've got to tell you, IT FELT GREAT!!! Stuck my finger under his nose, and told him to shut his lying mouth. It felt like I had been in a strait jacket for 5 years and I no longer had to hold that in. I may have threatened him with bodily harm at that point, my memory is just a little fuzzy. My friend told me he was a little concerned at that point.
Thank you all very much for your concern and for all the kind things that you thought, said, and prayed. I wish and pray the same for all of you in your struggles

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
Ladyogilvy
♀ Member
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 2:18 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you for following through. You have been more than patient and reasonable. Why would you be more damaged by this than a minister who had an A with a ministers wife? I can't even begin to imagine. Besides, how can you be more damaged than you already have been. There's a point when there nothing much left to lose. I think a lot of us get to that point and it's only then things start getting better because we won't tolerate the abuse anymore.


Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1512 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
quoththeraven1
♂ Member
Member # 35458
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I have much to answer for regarding my behavior. I won't lie about my actions and how I failed as a husband.
It also finally occurred to me that she probably told him that I was accessing child porn (I certainly was not) since she accused me of that about 11 years ago. I think that she has convinced herself that this was so in an effort to justify her actions. She showed me a list of child porn sites she had copied down. I had no idea what they were or why she had them. She told me that she had received invitations to visit these sites on her e-mail account. I don't think we even knew the word "spam" back then. She concluded that she was getting these invitations on HER e-mail account because I must have visited them through my e-mail/internet account. But the accusation is probably enough to finish me off. You can't really have a director of a youth camp with a cloud of suspicion on that topic.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Appalachia
Crushed1
♀ Member
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Raven, I am glad that huge burden has been lifted from you after all these years!!! "The truth will set you free" is so true!

Regarding the porn accusations, since she was getting those notes in her email, I wonder where they came from? Did she ever show them to you? Could she have been trying to set you up? Maybe she and lpc came up with that idea? Looking back at things my H and ow did, I wouldn't put anything past them. The depths of their depravity knew no bounds.

Best wishes Raven.


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9710 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 52
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