Unfortunately I can get the old me out of my BWs head. I treated her so badly for so long I've created a huge scar. She can see who I am now but knows who I used to be. I'm only to assume that she thinks that if she lets her gaurd down the old me will rear its ugly head. Sure I have a ton of things to improve on. Sure I have miles to go to show my BW that I'm different. I would just like her to give me that chance. I'm going to keep on showing her until she sees that this me is the real me. I'm going to keep on working on improving myself to make me that much better. I'm doing this for both her, me and the children. I don't expect her to forgive or forget. I just want a slight bit of acceptance of the new me.
I just want a slight bit of acceptance of the new me.
Regardless how faint the foot stomp it resonates and shows that the change is more of a compliance to the new rules instead of real change. IMO Try putting the effort in without the expectation of a return. This also shows that your actions are determined by external validation. Another item that has not "changed". Your actions need to be driven by your choices based on what you value and hold dear.
I had to genuinely change so I could help change my BW from what I had turned her into
You are giving yourself a lot of power if you think you changed your BW..
You cannot heal her, nor can you control the ultimate outcome, but you can change, not deliver any more hurt and you can be worthy of her trust, worthy of her love. She will have to decide when to trust, whether and when to love but being worthy of those leads to a clear heart and mind and makes the other stuff easier. She will change in response to what and how you behave. It won’t happen overnight, and she will question your motives, she will be confused by the person she begins to see in front of her, asking herself and maybe you, is this real, is this permanent or is he conning me? She will challenge you, doubt you, for you have taught her to doubt. Prove it, show her, especially when she doubts. Your validation has to come not from her, her healing her mood, her words, but rather from within, from knowing you are doing the right thing and giving it everything you can.
All I would like to know from her is if I'm heading in the right direction.
She is still there, right? For the rest, see above. Lost is just a few months out from having a baby, no? Give her a break and just be the person you want to be regardless of whether she acknowledges it or not.
And finally, Sam, what are you looking for her to tell you regarding headed in the right direction? If you are being your true self, what guidance are you looking for? she doesn't know your true self anymore so she can't guide you to how to be yourself. This is why HL suggested your changes seem to more compliance than genuine change. What if she said no Sam, you are going exactly the wrong direction. Are you going to do a turnabout and try to be something other than your true self? What good will that do? You have only one true direction, the one that is true to yourself, your morals, and your God. Only you know who that is.
Her healing will come in response and as you are consistently your true self and she can gain traction with that person, see you as worthy of trust, worthy of love and worthy of her attention.
Sure I have a ton of things to improve on. Sure I have miles to go to show my BW that I'm different. I would just like her to give me that chance.
What you can control is the first two sentences: by your actions. What you cannot control is the third sentence. So regardless of whether she is or isn't giving you that chance, it shouldn't affect your active pursuit of personal improvement and change. For myself, energy I expend worrying or trying to change how others think, act, and feel is a way for me to deflect having to look in the mirror and focus on the ONLY person in the world I need to try to help change and grow...ME.
[This message edited by JustDesserts at 6:21 AM, July 15th (Monday)]