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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What is change?
Sam793
♂ Member
Member # 37081
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Being just over a year since D Day, I have had time to look back over the last year. My BW is having a hard time still with the A and I don't blame her. I tell her I can't change what I did and if I could it would be done in a heart beat. I do tell her I can change what happens from D Day forward. I believe I'm not the same person I was a year ago. I won't put myself in the same situation that I was in. I'm there for my BW and my children as much as I can be. I don't ignore any of them. I don't feel I need to impress or be impressed by anyone. For the first time ever I feel like a normal human.

Unfortunately I can get the old me out of my BWs head. I treated her so badly for so long I've created a huge scar. She can see who I am now but knows who I used to be. I'm only to assume that she thinks that if she lets her gaurd down the old me will rear its ugly head. Sure I have a ton of things to improve on. Sure I have miles to go to show my BW that I'm different. I would just like her to give me that chance. I'm going to keep on showing her until she sees that this me is the real me. I'm going to keep on working on improving myself to make me that much better. I'm doing this for both her, me and the children. I don't expect her to forgive or forget. I just want a slight bit of acceptance of the new me.


Me: 38 BS: 33
3 y/o DD and one new DS
Married: 9 years
3.5yr A
Status: Each day I find more of how I screwed up

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
hardlessons
♂ Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just want a slight bit of acceptance of the new me.

Regardless how faint the foot stomp it resonates and shows that the change is more of a compliance to the new rules instead of real change. IMO Try putting the effort in without the expectation of a return. This also shows that your actions are determined by external validation. Another item that has not "changed". Your actions need to be driven by your choices based on what you value and hold dear.


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
Sam793
♂ Member
Member # 37081
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I disagree that this is compliance. I realized I had to genuinely change so that what people always thought of me was really me. I had to genuinely change in order to lead by example when it comes to raising my children. I had to genuinely change so I could help change my BW from what I had turned her into. If external validation is a result of this change, so be it. If not and I can achieve what I set out to do then its all the validation I need.


Me: 38 BS: 33
3 y/o DD and one new DS
Married: 9 years
3.5yr A
Status: Each day I find more of how I screwed up

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
hardlessons
♂ Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So which is it? Are we cake eathing, why do you need your hurting BS validate "a slight bit of acceptance of the new me". Did you genuinely change to be an example or do you need recognition that your a father and that is kind of expected?

I had to genuinely change so I could help change my BW from what I had turned her into

You are giving yourself a lot of power if you think you changed your BW..


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
Sam793
♂ Member
Member # 37081
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did change my BW. I changed her into what she is now. This is totally opposite of what she was. I never said I changed her from what she was like the day after D Day. I have yet to even scratch the surface of that. I have little power to do that. All I would like to know from her is if I'm heading in the right direction. Even just a little. No validation here. Just acknowledgement. .


Me: 38 BS: 33
3 y/o DD and one new DS
Married: 9 years
3.5yr A
Status: Each day I find more of how I screwed up

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
Finally10
♂ Member
Member # 36900
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will repost a portion of what I wrote in your other topic...


You cannot heal her, nor can you control the ultimate outcome, but you can change, not deliver any more hurt and you can be worthy of her trust, worthy of her love. She will have to decide when to trust, whether and when to love but being worthy of those leads to a clear heart and mind and makes the other stuff easier. She will change in response to what and how you behave. It won’t happen overnight, and she will question your motives, she will be confused by the person she begins to see in front of her, asking herself and maybe you, is this real, is this permanent or is he conning me? She will challenge you, doubt you, for you have taught her to doubt. Prove it, show her, especially when she doubts. Your validation has to come not from her, her healing her mood, her words, but rather from within, from knowing you are doing the right thing and giving it everything you can.

and this..

All I would like to know from her is if I'm heading in the right direction.

She is still there, right? For the rest, see above. Lost is just a few months out from having a baby, no? Give her a break and just be the person you want to be regardless of whether she acknowledges it or not.

And finally, Sam, what are you looking for her to tell you regarding headed in the right direction? If you are being your true self, what guidance are you looking for? she doesn't know your true self anymore so she can't guide you to how to be yourself. This is why HL suggested your changes seem to more compliance than genuine change. What if she said no Sam, you are going exactly the wrong direction. Are you going to do a turnabout and try to be something other than your true self? What good will that do? You have only one true direction, the one that is true to yourself, your morals, and your God. Only you know who that is.

Her healing will come in response and as you are consistently your true self and she can gain traction with that person, see you as worthy of trust, worthy of love and worthy of her attention.


Posts: 113 | Registered: Sep 2012
Sam793
♂ Member
Member # 37081
Default  Posted: 4:43 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand I need to keep on doing what I'm doing. Some days it feels like you're fighting to keep your head above water. It's something I just need to deal with.


Me: 38 BS: 33
3 y/o DD and one new DS
Married: 9 years
3.5yr A
Status: Each day I find more of how I screwed up

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Canada
twiggy88
♀ New Member
Member # 34654
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have to hang in there Sam.
It is over 3 years since I found out about my WH affairs. He has done everything since to make amends, and even though things are much better now I still sometimes act badly towards him and probably cause him to feel I will never forgive him, testing he still wants to be here.
So after only 1 year your BW will not be ready to accept you have permanantly changed for the better.


DD1 11/01/2009 ONS
DD2 18/03/2010 LTA - 3-4 YEARS

Posts: 26 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Kent, England
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 6:20 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sure I have a ton of things to improve on. Sure I have miles to go to show my BW that I'm different. I would just like her to give me that chance.

What you can control is the first two sentences: by your actions. What you cannot control is the third sentence. So regardless of whether she is or isn't giving you that chance, it shouldn't affect your active pursuit of personal improvement and change. For myself, energy I expend worrying or trying to change how others think, act, and feel is a way for me to deflect having to look in the mirror and focus on the ONLY person in the world I need to try to help change and grow...ME.

[This message edited by JustDesserts at 6:21 AM, July 15th (Monday)]


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
Topic Posts: 9

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