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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Like a knife in the heart
shattered13
♀ New Member
Member # 39827
Sad  Posted: 5:34 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband and I r in the middle of a move to another state. He is already there. I am selling the house and packing up to join him. My phone died and rather purchase a new one I was going to just have my phone # transferred to his old phone. I charged it and it still works. Still had saved voice mails on it. Three over several months were from a woman I never heard of. That where my world shattered. Messages were hi baby...hi honey miss u too...hi lover.. I went into our cell phone records and found the number and calls going back to dec 2011. They did end in march of 13. oMG! He says its over he is so sorry it ever happened. And I am the true love of his life . He wants me to fly out so we can talk face to face. I am hurting so bad don't know what to do. We have been married 13 years. alone and confused.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Jul 2013
cass
♀ Member
Member # 24261
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome shattered13.

I'm sorry you had to find us but glad you did. You might be hurting and confused but you are not alone. We have all been in your shoes. You are among friends here and this is a great place for support and advice.

Take care of yourself right now, eat when you can, drinks lots of water and find someone close you can confide in and trust.

You can start with the Healing Library, upper left, yellow box. There's great reading there.

You will survive this and you will be ok but it's going to take time and effort from both of you. If he is remorseful, open and honest then you have a starting point. Document everything and don't reveal your sources of information to him. It might be over but you will want the details and to know that he is no longer in contact with her. March was only 4 months ago so make sure he sends her a NC letter or makes a call in your presence.

Keep reading and posting. Weekends can be slow but there is always someone here to listen and respond.

(((shattered13)))


DDay - April 2008
Me - 54 and doing great. Found myself again and loving life
Him - who??

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone (Johnny Nash)

Those who stir the shit soup get to lick the spoon!


Posts: 4960 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
mysticpenguin
♀ Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh (((shattered))) I am so sorry! :( That must have been so painful to listen to - and so shocking too!

My only advice is to take care of you (stay hydrated, eat well, try to sleep) and go slowly. You don't have to make any decisions right now. Keep coming back and post often. The people here are wonderful and supportive and wise.

(((((hugs)))))


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
brkn_heartd
♀ Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry shattered you have needed to join us. However, there is a lot of support here.

You do not need to make any rash decisions. To include moving to the state he is already in. If you need space, stay where you are and where your support system is. It will be pretty overwhelming to move, lose your support system and deal with the A. I am not saying don't move, but consider delaying it.

There will be much to work out, and many decisions to make. However none are immediate. So take care of your self. Expect him to lie, expect him to blame you or minimize it. It is very normal behavior after exposure.

The healing library has lots of information in it. You have found a wonderful site with great support.


Me-50 BS
Him 57-WS
Married 30 yrs, together 33
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1533 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
sailorgirl
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am hurting so bad don't know what to do.

We know, shattered. It is such an awful feeling. Right now, all you have to do is take care of yourself (and any children you have). It's going to be hard enough just to keep functioning, so give yourself some TLC. Whatever sounds good to eat, wear, read, watch on TV--do it.

I also found out about my husband's affair after it was over. If your husband ended the affair, he may have come out of the affair fog on his own. So he may be on the way towards true remorse. If you do decide to go see him, I would suggest that he read a short book first: How to help your spouse heal from your affair by Linda MacDonald.

If he takes that book to heart, then he won't hurt you more by telling half truths about the affair, getting defensive, or minimizing it.

I found emails. It felt like getting kicked in the chest by a horse. Amazingly, it does get better. You will survive and heal and thrive.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
shattered13
♀ New Member
Member # 39827
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank u all for kind words and advice. I don't feel so completely alone which does help. I can't stop crying and eating is difficult. Headed to Oregon to talk face to face. What do I do? How can I do this right? How will I know if it is worth saving? It's all so foggyand scary. I wish I didn't
Love him because it would be a hell of a lot easier. But one way or another I AM NEVER going this again....EVER!

Posts: 2 | Registered: Jul 2013
cass
♀ Member
Member # 24261
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You won't know if it is worth saving or what you might finally decide but you can listen to what he has to say. You don't have to make any decisions right now. you can hold off on the sale or move if you think you need more time to absorb all of this.

His attitude towards the A, being remorseful, complete transparency, acceptance of your terms, willingness to go to MC and IC, total NC with AP, answering your questions, access to his pc and phone etc. These things will all tell you if he is worth a second chance.

There are good posts about what's necessary for R in the Reconciliation Forum and you'll get a lot of support there should you choose to go this route. Most of all watch his actions. Words are cheap and mean nothing. His actions will tell you if he is willing to put in the hard work to help you heal from this an recover.

And whatever you decide you can change your mind at any time in the future because cheating is a dealbreaker for many.

Good luck shattered. Keep reading and posting and keep looking after yourself by eating and drinking.


DDay - April 2008
Me - 54 and doing great. Found myself again and loving life
Him - who??

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone (Johnny Nash)

Those who stir the shit soup get to lick the spoon!


Posts: 4960 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 7

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