As divorce proceeding progress, STBXH is retreating further away, as am I. There is little to no interaction for a long while and now with him employed again, I work even harder-somehow-to not contact him for anything at all.
He has been abusive, I'm told and am shocked, he's been rude, he's ignored me, mocked me, yelled at me ...
So why, why in the world, am I suffering withdrawal symptoms? Of late I also get panic attacks when we do have contact and so this range of emotions I think is too wide now to comprehend.
He does not acknowledge that I exist when he delivers or collects DD and I know that I should be glad because it avoids drama, but why do I feel continued hurt?
This man does not take me seriously as a person and I know that, but maybe because I considered him my BFF and confidant for 20 years and now is gone, totally and completly gone, I don't know how to handle it some days?
Often I am okay with it, but on the days he comes and goes, I break down and am sometimes so low I am not functional.
I was shocked to learn that this is an abusive man-not physically, he is too cowardly-but he fits about 8 out of 10 other categories, including money and control.
Shouldn't I be glad to be free? Shouldn't I be glad to pursue any man I wanted? Shouldn't I be glad OW hooked herself a cheater and I had too much self esteem and all the other psych words to wait longer to see if he was going to file? Shouldn't I continue to be proud I finally got some b' boots?
Some people have given me reasons and they very, from the pregnancy to the codependency that I am "graduating" from and so on.
And I don't understand why he has to be rude and works very hard not to face me? Granted it hurts me to see him now, and makes no sense, but I'm trying to understand his part so I can put it out of my head and be more emotionally prepared.
One person said it's the arrival of the next phase of passive aggression, and this I believe the most: this theory is that he saved all his hidden resentments and they are coming out in this way, all mixed up for the coward still lives in him, but he is starting to feel powerful against me as the divorce gets finalized? This person suggested it's a feeling of power for him to choose to greet me or simply leave DD somewhere on the property like the porch or basement and not deliver her directly to me as I would to him.
I guess the whole display of lack of courtesy and respect being so blatant is maybe shocking me and I know I'm not supposed to dissect it, but as I said, I want to be numb to it but can't without answer.
Why does he have to continue to make things harder, like also ignoring small things and making them bigger? Or saying one thing to me and completely opposite things to others? It has helped maintain NC, but I want to find a way to combat the withdrawal, because I simply can't stand it and can't handle another big emotion.
He got what he wanted, so why still treat me like SH, or is it who he is now? Maybe that's all.
Thank you.Ashland 13
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.