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User Topic: Has Couples Counselling ever worked?
OnlyMe123
♀ New Member
Member # 39779
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i am thinking of going for counselling and maybe then couples counselling.


Has anyone tried this and felt it was worthwhile?


Posts: 9 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Atlantic
purplejacket4
♀ Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IC has been a God send.

To be honest CC is not useful unless your WS is also willing to do IC and work on themselves.


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 3:12 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IC has and is worthwhile to me. MC is less productive right now but still worth it.

Between the actual cost and childcare...it gets expensive...but I just don't see growing as fully as I need and want to without it.

Wife and I are struggling hard right now....but think it would be worse without counseling. Like many BS I wish my wife APPEARED more committed to her IC then she does.

This is probably more of a factor of her way of learning is different then mine...I like to share my journey...she is more reserved.

For our marriage to successfully R I believe she will have to invite me in more often then she does...counseling is a good option. She just recently joined this site...she has not posted yet but I hope to gain insight into her via this site too.

I read a lot too...and I pray.

Many ways to heal...I am the type who seeks them all.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Lost&Hurt
♀ Member
Member # 19329
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IC helped me....

We did MC and I discovered later he was lying to me throughout....because he was still seeing MOW...

So, no, for us it was a complete waste.

Remember, MC ONLY works when the WS WANTS to fix things....

The way I see it, some just use it as a way to placate the BS....and go on doing what it is they want to do.

I'm sure for some at SI, it has been the thing that saved them.

For me, it was a complete and total waste of time and money.

The A ONLY stopped when HE was ready to...nothing before that worked.....

And, yes, I should have dumped his ass from the beginning.

[This message edited by Lost&Hurt at 7:04 AM, July 15th (Monday)]


BS: me
WS: him
D Day - 2-13-2008
Attempting R after 6 years of lies

Posts: 1478 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Outer Limits
undonelife
♀ Member
Member # 38421
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Go to IC for yourself. He has to want to be in the marriage. I tried too soon w MC when he was still in the fog & it ended up hurting me even more.


Me: BS 53 Him: WH 51
M: 28 years
DDay 11/25/12 TT 9/9/13
OW:20 yrs younger McOW
Kids: 2 teens

Posts: 190 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Dark Hell
wanttogoforward
♀ Member
Member # 29912
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MC/ CC works IF: you are willing to hear things you do not want to hear... are willing to accept that which you cannot change.... are willing to both put in the hard work to rebuild...if you both want to save the M and be open about things....

IC is always good.... I did benefit.


Posts: 1184 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still lost
Skye
Member
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would ask you to define "worked." It didn't save my marriage, but that wasn't my goal. It gave us a safe place to speak to each and hear each other. That was very important to me. I would say it worked. He had to see himself in my eyes while we were in counseling. That was very important to me.

Posts: 5629 | Registered: Jul 2002
JustmeVA
♂ Member
Member # 36498
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good thread... Just what I needed before I go off to IC appt.

I agree... I don't think CC/MC works if both of you are not working on fixing the areas of ourselves that need improving...


Posts: 116 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: VA
KeepCalm_CarryOn
♀ Member
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MC saved our M. As others have said it only works when you have both partners willing to work AND a C who doesn't take much crap! Our MC called us BOTH on our bullshit, but also knew when to take it easy and encourage us.

FWH had a really had time in IC because he "didn't know what to talk about". A lot of things got resolved in MC because I'd put it on the table. He also did a few sessions of IC with our MC's partner so they could talk about how to guide him.


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August


Posts: 2034 | Registered: Sep 2011
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OnlyMe, What are your goals? C works for many goals but nor for others.

My W's IC saw us together on D-Day and became our CC/MC while remaining my W's IC. She's helped us a lot.

The approach you're thinking of is a good one for some people, even though it's different from what we did.

There's no single path through this mess. The only way to know if what you're suggesting will work for you is to try it out.

The thing is, if you try out a method, and it helps, great! If it doesn't, you can adjust appropriately.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10421 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
justdoit
♀ Member
Member # 25898
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MC is the only reason we are together. The therapist was well trained, intelligent, had a plan and methodology that worked. I tried IC but didn't find a person that was right for me. Kind of wish I had - may keep looking.


Me - 60
WH - 67
Married 35 years
DDay - 5/14/09
He's reconciled, I'm in limbo.
"Stuck in the middle with you"

Posts: 159 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Rocky Mountains
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has been great for us. But our therapist is very well versed in infidelity. If you go and they don't have the SI mindset....bail. They can do a lot of damage if they don't have the right approach.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1083 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Undonelife makes a GREAT point!

Don't enter MC until you are sure your spouse is completely out of the fog.

As far as I am concerned much time and money was wasted early on in my situation...wife was so in the fog that the affair actually went from EA to PA while we were in weekly MC sessions and she was in IC. It comes down to both of you have to be committed to MC for it to work. If a spouse is desiring to step out of the marriage...they will do it! Just look at the President, famous people, sports heros...all have very busy lives living under intense scrutiny...and, yet, they find a way to have affairs. A lone MC that you see for 1 hour once a week will NOT insure the WS commits to changing their ways.

At the very beginning I was na´ve...so ignorant...so ill equipped to handle any part of this trauma. I foolishly thought that since we enlisted the help of a professional early on we were ahead of the game. What it actually did was undermine my confidence in accepting what my wife was saying....did this by her fooling a licensed, experienced counselor and me at the same time. I believe this, and the TTing that also took place, has added time and difficulty to my trials...try and avoid repeating this mistake of mine. A mistake I think many others have also made.

I get how I could be fooled...my natural tendency back then was to WANT to trust my wife...so I was setting myself up to not see things. But the third party intelligent counselor was also fooled.

All of that to reiterate my point...if you are very early on since DD don't press into MC thinking it will jump start your healing...it might....but IMHO IC is where you should start.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:11 PM, July 15th (Monday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
tearingaway
♂ Member
Member # 28618
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My own IC was quite helpful. The MC was not helpful because my WW is and was not able to own her shit. I guess I am continuing the theme of MC only works if the WS is willing to do some digging and make it work. Otherwise, it is essentially useless.

IC is worthwhile though. At the very least, it can be an venting outlet where no others exist (although SI can serve as a place for venting--I know because I have done plenty of it here).


Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2010
OnlyMe123
♀ New Member
Member # 39779
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for all your experience of IC and MC. It has really helped me.

Based on your experience I think its too early as right now for me for IC. I am tired and fed up and don't want to actually talk to anyone.


Posts: 9 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Atlantic
Topic Posts: 15

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