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User Topic: What would you do?
callmecrazy
♀ Member
Member # 38765
Question  Posted: 6:08 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When they were friends OW didnt want to go to church (WH had invited her as he invites everyone bc he thinks our church is cool bc its big). After she knew we were trying to R, she suddenly is going to our church. I dont want to go there anymore. I love the church too and have tried for several months to be ok w it as there are tons of people, but just seeing her makes me half loose it. Yesterday was a rough day wo seeing her and there i am sitting in a room stuffed w people hiding behind my hair, tears streaming down my face hoping I dont start to break down completely. I hate that I cant be better than that but w the multiple times they got caught and she knew we were trying to R (well I was, she knew he was telling me we were)she was still after my H and now she makes her presence at church too. Its just like she had to throw the salt on the wound.

Anyways, I just wondered what you guys would do in this case.


Posts: 279 | Registered: Mar 2013
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I'd skip church for a while, temporarily, until I could go without being visibly upset. Your WH should skip it too, or you can both attend another church temporarily.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
wifeno2
♀ Member
Member # 31529
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know you like that church but there are probably a lot of other amazing ones out there too. Maybe now is the time to explore them. Either with WH or without him. New people, new perspectives and maybe new messages may be something that would be helpful for you. Even the ones you don't like could be interesting or helpful in some way.


Me-BW (45)
Him-WS (42)
DS 19 (prior relationship)
DS-8
DDay #1- 10/22/2010 EA/PA with MOW coworker
Dday#2:11/17/2010 beginning secret emails with potential OW#2
DDay #3 11/22/2010 still seeing OW#1
Too many DD's to count: Now up to OW #6.

Posts: 696 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: the south
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you have to make this choice. How is your WH responding to this?

I now most BS would like our WS to know what to do and say...but many times they don't. So if he is not saying or doing what you think he should do...mention what you need to him.

I have not found a healthy way to do that as of yet...I still feel vulnerable around my wife and she has been reluctant to grant some of my requests...

I believe in God so I think the OW going to church is a good thing.

However, it is highly likely she is not there with an open heart...but God knows that and it is for Him to judge her.

My wifes AP parks in the same spot to drop his kids off at school as he did during the affair...which is between our house and the school. We live in a small town and bought a house so that my wife could walk our kids to school....he has many other options and yet he continues to park there. He would drop his kids off, my wife would drop ours off...and they would get together.

Again, God sees all and will judge....but dang, do we have to have such cruel trials added to this already painful journey?!?!?

I am also considering selling our house as my wifes AP has a restaurant here, well known and liked in the community...cant go to a fund raiser or get my hair cut without hearing what a wonderful man he is....father of 5 and an adulterer...but no one knows about that.

So, here again, we are faced with tough choices that we had no say in coming our way. I feel your pain.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:32 AM, July 15th (Monday)]


ME: 42 BH
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012 by 1 email to OM...OM did NOT respond.
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred...may never incur.

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
wanttogoforward
♀ Member
Member # 29912
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my opinion the OW is there on purpose! She is there to either rub salt in the wound or to make herself available to your H should 'you' go away... I would guess she is there to be available should the opportunity arise....
Her heart has to be evil.... what person who believes in religion would purposely go to THAT church knowing you are there unless she is soulless....
Please do not give up... either you and your H need to find another church or you will need to put up a united front... with your H holding your hand, etc. showing her you are together and will remain so.... if he shows enough that he is with you and cares she may crawl back under the rock she came from.

Posts: 1144 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still lost
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How much do you feel like part of a "church family"? Do you feel like you can talk to your pastor? S/he might be able to connect you with other couples who have been through infidelity so you can have a support system. Knowing people have your back and know what she is might help.

We have a group of three other couples that have been through infidelity in our church. It hasn't been a perfect support system, but if one of the APs ever came to the church, that BS would know we had her back, KWIM?

If the OW is doing this, is she doing other things to stalk or harass you and your H? If so, document and then have a lawyer draft up a cease and desist letter, threatening a RO.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

❣Your soulmate is the person who helps grow your soul into a better being rather than tearing it down❣


Posts: 10869 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Limbo
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is a tough one. Is there another service at a different time you can attend? Or an evening bible class for adults? (I found I got more out of that than church many times anyway)
If not then I would say mix it up, stay away from that church for a month. Go to some others in your area. God doesn't care where we worship him, just that we are close with him.
My church these days is usually on my back porch, or working with my bees. No one to be in my business ther, and it is where I feel closest to him.

Anyway when she sees that you aren't there she will quit coming, and if she doesn't there is always a restraining order.

(((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 14 & 16
Married for 21 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 6614 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good points made.

Our Pastor knows...was the first one I called when I found out about my wifes affair. I asked our Pastor if he could put me in touch with someone that actually survived infidelity. We are a church of about 200. He did not know of any but did know a guy whose wife left him for her AP! I declined this offer as I have that in my own family!!!

But I think it would be great if you had that locally.

Evening bible study is a good option. It has helped me, though I do like regular church service too...I would miss it.

Even if your Pastor doesn't know another couple to put you in touch with, him knowing about this and her may have a very freeing feeling with it. I know if my wifes AP came to our church the fact that I believe my Pastor would have my back is very comforting.

Affairs are big trials....God is the key. Keep the faith..give your husband a chance to fight for you here. God has a plan for you...cant tell you why the OW is coming to your church, but it is not by accident.

This is when I wish God did not give us so much free will! He has a plan for each of us...but our free will gives us plenty of opportunity to derail that master plan....but it also affords us the opportunity to make another decision and return to it.

God be with you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:56 AM, July 15th (Monday)]


ME: 42 BH
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012 by 1 email to OM...OM did NOT respond.
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred...may never incur.

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
callmecrazy
♀ Member
Member # 38765
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blakesteele...I dont even know if he realized I was crying bc "they didnt do anything" they just got caught in the same place around 1 am multiple times and he finally decided he'd drop the friendship ...if you read my other posts you will see the gaslighting and TT crap that seems to have passed in the last 45 days FINALLY.
He's big on the I should be the bigger person and we are there to worship and we are but knowing that even after she attended the church she was still at it w my H, I just cant stand seeing her yet. I realize I need to work at forgiving her too to an extent, but I am far from there.
We just switched churches 2 yrs ago and were starting to get into groups and making new friends so this stinks. Why couldnt she have just went elsewhere. She seriously has no concern for what she has done to my family. But I guess neither does my H really so why should I expect more from an outsider.

Posts: 279 | Registered: Mar 2013
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think she's there for reasons other than why she should be there. Since the church is so big, they probably have bible study on a week night or early morning. Maybe you guys could take one of those until ow realizes she won't be seeing your ws and getting her fix on Sunday mornings. Eventually she will prob stop going, then you can get back to your regular routine.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..divorced slut who prefers committed men, specializing in befriending and bopping the fathers of her kids team mates
Status..%&$#@?$

Posts: 3985 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
WhatsRight
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband's ex fiance attends our church. I understand that this is not the same a your situation, but since his infidelity, I have felt very uncomfortable, vulnerable around her. She is very nice, and in the years my husband and I have been married, we have been acquaintances. However, sometimes I just get so upset to see her, especially for her to speak to my husband and I - and she was not the ow - not to my knowledge.

Anyway, I have tried to just TOTALLY focus on the service, or whatever I am doing at the church. If she is in the same service as we are, I can look elsewhere, or focus on the words, or music. I would, however, never be in the same smaller group - such as a Sunday School class. That would be too difficult.

I wish you luck. I know it can be a real disappointment to have your place of worship 'invaded' in light of this thing called infidelity.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 9:34 AM, July 15th (Monday)]


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1812 | Registered: Apr 2012
Dawn58
♀ Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's a pig.

My situation is different, my STBX stayed with his mistress. The two of them attended a fund raiser for an organization I have volunteered for years at. They knew I was going to be there. My therapist at the time told me to go, to stake my claim in this organization. Well, it devastated me to see them together and in hindsight, I wish I had not gone.

I can hear that you don't want to give up your church but maybe attend a different service for the time being. Then maybe she'll stop attending church since you and your husband are not there.


Separated, divorcing.

Posts: 439 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
TheClimb
♀ Member
Member # 25895
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry but not surprised that the OW has no respect for you or the church and the principles that it stands on. We had issues with the OW showing up at a club we have been members at for twenty years. She was not a member but would come to piss us off.

I see that your Husband thinks you should be the bigger person. How noble of him. I don't want to speak badly of your husband, but had he been the bigger person you would not be in this situation today. As I told my husband, someone is leaving the club. It should be her but if she doesn't we are and it is just a consequence of your horrible behavior. I would not stand for being hurt over and over again.

I agree with the others, find a new place to worship or a different time. I am betting you only have to do this for a month or two and when the OW realizes you won't play her game, she will probably stop coming. Remember she didn't want to attend church to begin with.

The only way I stopped the OW was by calling and telling her to stop coming to the club or I was going to start telling her business associates and family that she had slept with my husband and was now stalking us. I only had to tell one person...

On top of being such "good" people, these women have no backbone or courage. They are easy to overpower. The tough part is you can't appeal to their moral standards as they often have none.

I wish you luck and you take all the time you need to heal.


"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be" P.C. Hodgell

Posts: 441 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Southern Maryland
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've read your story and a few of your posts because I really want to give you some advice here, but I am not sure what would be best for you. If your H would you should change churches or go at another time, but since he will not. I feel empathy for you. I am sorry for your situation. Our husbands seem very much alike in thinking.

If you put your foot down and asked him to go to another church for a while would he do it? This way her not seeing the two of you there would turn her off and she'd eventually stop going.

Good Luck


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Church with or without OW, the fact that your WH is trying to rugsweep puts you at greater risk of another d-day in the future. With her or someone else.

Without him owning his choices and helping your healing, it's going to be harder to deal with this situation and pretty much the rest of your M.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

❣Your soulmate is the person who helps grow your soul into a better being rather than tearing it down❣


Posts: 10869 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Limbo
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The mention that this is the OW game got me to thinking...

My wifes AP may very well be playing games too...

Gameplay 1. My wifes AP continues to park in a place that is between our home and our childrens school....my wife walks our kids to school...sometimes I have. I don't do it anymore because I have very much wanted to engage him when I see him....he does NOT return that sentiment...could be a very passive aggressive personality...and I think that is highly likely.

Gameplay 2. I saw him in a compromising position with another woman NOT his wife as I left out of my block. Was it coincidence that he was doing this so close to our home? Was he wanting me to witness this? Was he wanting my wife to witness this?

Gameplay 3. Recently, he parked 1 store front down from my wifes store...it was early in the day and I don't think any shop is open at that time. My wife thought that odd, called me, and I entered her shop from the back. I stayed with her until he left.

All curious behavior.

As I engage my wife on this she doesn't really want to talk about it...thinks we don't need to worry about him...just concentrate on us.

But I think it could be beneficial to note this activity...if he is intentionally trying to rattle our family it would be good for us to be aware of this.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:24 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012 by 1 email to OM...OM did NOT respond.
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred...may never incur.

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Topic Posts: 16

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