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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Thoughts on BS taking the lead toward recovery?
Arnold01
♀ Member
Member # 39751
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm working hard to have the strength to lead us toward recovery, as my FWH just isn't there yet. He says he wants to rebuild our marriage, and he's definitely taking baby steps to get there, but so far they are just baby steps. It's all he can manage right now as he goes through affair withdrawal and who knows what other emotions, and I'm willing to support him in that process at least for a while.

I came across the following thoughts at http://www.marriageadvocates.com/2012/02/10/the-betrayed-spouses-role-after-an-affair/ and really liked the encouragement around the BS being strong and taking the first steps.

Have any of you seen similar thinking or do you know of posts that encourage the BS to be strong and take the first steps? I've seen such things in the past but of course can't find them now when I need the affirmation and inspiration to hang in there! Thanks.

To summarize what I think is critical to recovering from the head-on crash of infidelity and breaking the emotional road block:

1. One of you has to be strong and take the lead toward recovery.
2. Decisions early on must not be rash and must be made with an eye toward what you truly want. Let no one dissuade you.
3. Since the wayward (or walkaway) spouse is often not capable of having the strength to lead toward recovery, it falls on the betrayed or left behind spouse.
4. Make up your mind to get through this terrible crash and destruction.
5. Redirect your pain and anger into action.
6. Protect yourself, but donít bury yourself in protection.
7. Focus on what YOU can do with YOU to make recovery possible and help your spouse believe it is possible. You canít expect a wayward or walk away spouse to do this. They must see hope in order to try. Your hard work can provide that hope.
8. Recognize that only you can control yourself and your feelings. The same applies to your spouse. Focus on showing that you can control yourself, that you will not punish, and that you will have compassion towards him/her and his/her feelings.

Someone has to take the lead and try to break that roadblock. Do you have what it takes?


D-Day: June 2013 discovered two-month EA/PA
NC established: August 2013
Reconciling

Posts: 117 | Registered: Jul 2013
mysticpenguin
♀ Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't agree with that article. Your WH just did the worst thing he could possibly do to you and you're going to reward him by taking the reins? Nope. He needs to win you back, not the other way around.


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is the kind of stuff that my WS was hearing from his IC and I don't think it helped. It put a lot of onus on me. I had to walk on eggshells, listen to his complaints about me, apologize for resentments that he harbored for 10 years... All because I was suppose to show him I could "take" the truth and be the stronger one.

But if I got emotional about something, he would pull away and tell me it was "taking a toll" on him. The IC would tell him I'm all over the map right now and give me space... To basically ignore me until I pulled it together.

Eventually he started breaking NC with the OW at work to ask for advice. One thing led to another from there. When he went back to IC, admitted he crossed the line and took the A underground and didn't know what to do next (should he take a leave from work to do MC? Should he tell me he broke NC?) she told him that he claims he's conflicted, but his actions say he's not. If he's still sleeping with OW, that must be what he really wants. He listened. He gave up on R and I had to NC him. We haven't talked since.

Bottom line, this list, to me, takes away a lot of their accountability. It lets them take on this central role and everyone around them has to do the leg work to help *them* figure out why they are so f-Ed up.

I got tired very quickly of having to prove to him, versus his OW and IC, that R with me was the best thing. The game was rigged. Anytime R got hard because he had to face some thing about himself, he'd cry that he wanted to talk to OW because "she thinks I deserve to be happy" or IC because "she said I shouldn't feel guilty." It became very easy, with everyone around him catering to his poor baby attitude and playing "pick me" to default to the easier path.

He needed to grow a set and to fight just as hard as I was.


BS / D

Posts: 859 | Registered: Jun 2013
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only person whose thoughts, feelings, and actions you can control is yourself.

If a WS is unremorseful, nothing you do will change that.

Your WH (who has definitely not yet earned the F yet, if not well-committed to reconciliation, and displaying LONG-TERM behaviors indicative of this commitment, as well as remorse) is not yet there.

Nothing you do or say will change this.

IMO, it's far better to step back and observe.

Don't make the mistake of assuming that R is in the cards. Real action, from your WH, is required in order for it to even be a possibility.

Rather than taking the lead, I'd recommend the 180. It will give you strength and a little bit of distance. It will help you see that, though R is what you desire, you can let go of the outcome--knowing that, no matter what happens, you will be all right.

I know this is counterintuitive. But trust me when I tell you that "taking the lead" just won't work. Being willing to work alongside him, however, will.

But first, let him SHOW you he is in it.

[This message edited by solus sto at 2:17 PM, July 15th (Monday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8323 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Arnold01
♀ Member
Member # 39751
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the thoughts. I agree with the point about doing the 180, and I started that a few days ago.

What I'm confused about is whether the 180 is only for spouses who continue their affairs. My WH has ended his affair (and we talk regularly about NC and I verify it, and we moved cross-country), but he's not yet doing the work needed to help me heal or for us to reconcile. Does the 180 work in my situation as well? I get that I need to create emotional stability and distance for myself, but it's hard to see how we are going to make progress in the relationship if we don't talk about any of this outside of MC appointments.

Can anyone clarify? Thanks so much...you guys are a lifeline during an incredibly tough and nightmarish time.


D-Day: June 2013 discovered two-month EA/PA
NC established: August 2013
Reconciling

Posts: 117 | Registered: Jul 2013
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, the 180 is for your situation.

Kudos to you for considering leading the R process. You must be a very giving person.

Unfortunately, I think it's a bad idea. He did this. He needs to fix it. For you as well as for his own self respect.

I"m so sorry he's not stepping up to the plate yet. I hope he will soon.

Please be cautious with advice from "experts". Much of it is very flawed. Well intentioned, but flawed. Trust your own judgement and run it by people here if you aren't sure.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1065 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The 180 is for ANYONE who has suffered a serious or devastating betrayal....It allows the injured party to step back from the relationship and figure out who the heck the betrayer is and if/when trust can be reestablished...
Also the betrayer will be able to note that because of his/her stupid decisions the relationship has cooled off drastically or is completely destroyed...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 3:08 PM, July 15th (Monday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1136 | Registered: Nov 2011
Tripletrouble
♀ Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I originally thought the 180 was to show my WH I could live without him. It is not. It is for me to show ME I can live without him. If we save our marriage, it will be from a place of love and forgiveness, not my fear that I couldn't be alone. The 180 is to prove to myself I will not just survive, but thrive, with or without him.
I have to agree with the other posters, this is his to own and he needs to earn you back through actions that demonstrate commitment, remorse, and trustworthiness. Do not let him treat you like plan B. You are plan A or nothing. You are worth it.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 615 | Registered: May 2013
isadora
♀ Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I took the lead in our recovery. I did the research, I listened to what was wrong with me, I made changes. He broke NC, he told me I wasnt giving 150%. I started the 180 and kept on doing it until he proved to me he really wanted the M.

He went NC, moped through withdrawal. Got defensive when I didn't jump up and down when he did the bare minimum. He needs to show you he is all in.

[This message edited by isadora at 5:30 PM, July 15th (Monday)]


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 10 yrs
4 children: DDs 6&4; DSs 2& baby
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4500 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's all he can manage right now as he goes through affair withdrawal

This is part if what killed my false R. I was so nice, so understanding of what SHE was going through withdrawing from the OM for a whole week--then breaking NC.

I was the understanding one throughout, even though it was my spouse who had hurt me and our children.

I'd gone to the Marriage Builders side and tried their Plan A, which I now see as "be a doormat to your cheating spouse."

It's another way if trying to "nice" them out of infidelity or keep them from infidelity. It can't be done.

Deep remorse, unrelenting proactive trust-rebuilding is required on HiS part. I never had it and never will. I hope your spouse will be different.

All the best.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1571 | Registered: Dec 2012
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since the wayward (or walkaway) spouse is often not capable of having the strength to lead toward recovery, it falls on the betrayed or left behind spouse.

A WS had the strength to betray you but does not have the strength to fix it? I would say that this is an indication that the WS is not ready to R.

A remorseful WS will make the effort, why? Because they want to.

You can't "nice" your WS back into your life.

I truly believe that the WS must want R more than the BS.

If you want to break the roadblock, kick him off the road and keep moving on with your life...without him. Let him back in when/if he steps up and makes a genuine effort to right his wrong.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2089 | Registered: Nov 2011
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the best pieces of advice I got before I committed to 180/NC-ing my WS was that he knew how to be persistent and to work hard in order to "win" my affections in the first place, and he can do it again.

When we met, I wasn't initially interested in him and it took him 5 months to get me to go on a date with him. We were friends, but he did everything he could think of to get me to date him... to the point that, when people would ask us how we met, we would joke that "some percentage of stalking works." So I know he knows how to work hard, to show his best self, to get what he wants. He knows how to put in an effort.

And he did all of this in the beginning and he didn't even really know me yet!

Ten years later, and I think I've been a good partner. I think we were happy, despite any rewrites he wants to do now to help him feel better about what he's done. I loved him unconditionally and I proved that by being willing to try and R. He should want to be with me even MORE than he did in the beginning.

Tell him it's time to show you again how much you mean to him. And, if he doesn't rise to the challenge, then you know.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 6:32 PM, July 15th (Monday)]


BS / D

Posts: 859 | Registered: Jun 2013
sailorgirl
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't agree with the following parts of the article:

Focus on what YOU can do with YOU to make recovery possible

But there was nothing for me to do with me. I am an emotionally healthy, loving, faithful woman. I'm happy with who I am and I'm a great wife.

The affair was all about WH and what's broken inside him. Everything for recovery has to come from him. The desire to face what he did, the motivation to dig deep and find out why, and the sheer determination to change.

Your hard work can provide that hope.

My hard work? I've already done the hard work of growing up and taking responsibility for my actions. I already face my faults and deal positively with issues from my FOO. I am already a tough but fair judge of myself as a wife and mother.

WH, on the other hand, has a long way to go. It is simply impossible for me to take that journey for him.

Someone has to take the lead and try to break that roadblock.

I don't even unblock roads for my eight-year-old son! I help him brainstorm solutions to his problem, and then I let him get down to it.

I agree with RidingHealingRd:

I truly believe that the WS must want R more than the BS.

Arnold, I would take your obvious strength, smarts and spirit and invest it in yourself. Your pain and anger should be directed at WH, but if he's too weak and self-involved to handle that, than I agree with the article that you should redirect it. How about a new hobby? Plan a vacation just for you, or a trip to somewhere you've always wanted to go. Put energy into your friends and family.

I think it's healthy that you started the 180. Your WH does not sound ready for R. Not only would he need to lead the recovery of your marriage, he would need to do all the hard work to change from his wayward mindset and habits. Otherwise, this would happen again.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
921Lisa
♀ Member
Member # 7849
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well that is exactly what I did.

I made all the decisions, plans, counseling, Retrouvialle, etc....

My husband was diagnosed as bipolar during/after the A, and when I tried to really talk to him about the root of the A, and really deal with it so we could move past it, he went loopy on me. Docs put him on stronger meds, my life got worse.

Finally I told him to stop most of the drugs they had him on (he is still on 2 meds and has done GREAT since getting off the other crap), and I dealt with the A on my own... Me, Myself, and I.

I stopped going to the Retrouvialle meetings because it hurt to see other husbands helping and supporting their wives, and mine just avoiding, "minding and obeying" me to get me past it and off his back.

Affairs magnify the chinks in your marriage and each other. It takes two to repair a M, and there was only me, BUT I was able to work on ME. I am strong. I am well rounded. And my husband KNOWS for a FACT that if I so much as smell an A could be going on, I can and will walk away without looking back and with zero regrets.

I love my husband. I love my family. I am glad we are still together. That said, I am one of those married folk that looks back and thinks, "It sure could have been better", and wish it had of been.


Behind every successful man is his woman.
Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. (Mr Sim York Soo)

Reconciled


Posts: 881 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Texas
Bobbi_sue
♀ Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't want this to come off as a 2x4 to anyone but I don't agree with very many points made in this article.

1. One of you has to be strong and take the lead toward recovery.
And it won't be me. Ever. My current H was immediately and extremely remorseful. If it had been any other way, we would not have made it.

2. Decisions early on must not be rash and must be made with an eye toward what you truly want. Let no one dissuade you.

Not sure what to say about this. I do believe in making decisions early on and I refuse to live in limbo if there is any way I can avoid it.

3. Since the wayward (or walkaway) spouse is often not capable of having the strength to lead toward recovery, it falls on the betrayed or left behind spouse.

For me, this would mean me filing for a D. I filed for one two days after the final D-day in my first M and I have never regretted it.


4. Make up your mind to get through this terrible crash and destruction.

I agree with this, but my way of getting through it does not necessarily mean staying married to an unremorseful cheater. It means assessing my life after what happened, picking up the pieces of my life and making decisions for a better life for me, whether this is with or without him.

5. Redirect your pain and anger into action.

I guess I agree with #5.

6. Protect yourself, but donít bury yourself in protection.

??

7. Focus on what YOU can do with YOU to make recovery possible and help your spouse believe it is possible. You canít expect a wayward or walk away spouse to do this. They must see hope in order to try. Your hard work can provide that hope.

I actually agree with this to some degree. If and ONLY if the WS is extremely remorseful and wants to take the lead in reconciliation, then yes, the BS who also wants to R needs to acknowledge the efforts of the WS and show there is some hope.

8. Recognize that only you can control yourself and your feelings. The same applies to your spouse.

I agree with the first half of #8.
Focus on showing that you can control yourself, that you will not punish, and that you will have compassion towards him/her and his/her feelings.
Again, I am not going to show any compassion to somebody who is still involved in an A, or who is not remorseful. I certainly do not feel compassion or empathy for a cheater who is pining away or "missing" the AP and I don't agree we should.

Someone has to take the lead and try to break that roadblock. Do you have what it takes?

No. Not if you are talking about reconciliation in a marriage after cheating.

Posts: 5682 | Registered: Apr 2006
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