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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: huge red flag
hexed
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Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was ticked off. Every time I'd say my point during our discussion she would ignore it and bring up how she was mad at me. Most of my statements were of the "it only takes 10 seconds" and "we always do it, why not this weekend?" She said she didn't want her phone with her at dinner and was tired of answering texts all day. She was getting angrier by the minute and one time she even said "I don't want to be tied down that way" I doubt she realized saying it as she was pissed and tired from the event." BUT it struck a chord with me. The whole thing just seemed so premeditated saying weeks ago she wasn't going to be available. I really could have attended Friday night but she said no.

This would be at least a yellow flag for me. It would definitely set the relationship back. Not because she didn't text but b/c of the response when you raised the issue. "I'm sorry! I didn't realize it was that important to you" would have been more than enough.

My SO and I both travel for work 5 days a week. We are both often in multiple cities in a weeks and multiple planes per week so communication can be challenging. I always text "Good Morning" no matter how early my flight is. On the rare occasions when I don't SO always says something b/c it matters to him. I always feel terrible if I've forgotten (maybe once every 2 or 3 months). No Drama and probably an extra good night text or long good morning text. It takes no time. I respect that he values that contact. Its a tiny thing that adds up and helps our relationship.

He doesn't always respond to the text. Its my ritual. I started it but he has expressed his fondness for it. Of all the things I could do for him that one is so small and simple, I can't imagine getting mad when he reminds its been 2 days since I texted him 'good morning'. Keep in mind that we talk and e-mail through the day but that one constant means something to him. I respect and try to honor that. Your SO should be kinder about it.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8262 | Registered: Apr 2008
Sad in AZ
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Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with lieshurt; I've had consular events where I could not have my phone with me; it would have been impossible to give a 'kissy-kissy', and I would have felt very annoyed if my SO was hurt because of this. The fact that she told you ahead of time is a 'green flag'in my book.

Even though it was an event where she volunteered, it's just like work. And the fact that you keep harping on this would build resentment in me. I would consider you clingy and immature.

[This message edited by Sad in AZ at 2:04 PM, July 15th (Monday)]


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19189 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
turned123
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Member # 33663
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks hexed! I like the idea of slowing things down a bit and because im defenitely think to much at times I think we need to have another discussion about how she is feeling. If I were to read into things (like I do ) I would think she might just be having some doubts about things in general (assuming no mystery man last weekend). So when do I bring that up without it seeming like I'm rehashing the 'old stuff' from the weekend??? I like being honest and upfront. I just am thinking of coasting for a bit.


me BS 48
her WW 45
married 15 years
divorced
3 wonderful but hurt kids

Posts: 334 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: milwaukee
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let me add though that I do see S-AZ's point. I would be annoyed if this were something that you insisted upon during the event. Often my phone is off b/c I'm on a plane or I'm not in a place where I can talk/text.

The point to me is how she treated you after. I'm sure she had tons of texts at the end of the night but how many really required her attention right then. 10 seconds to you before she stepped in to bed is hardly clingy to me. But that's just me.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8262 | Registered: Apr 2008
turned123
♂ Member
Member # 33663
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sad in az, I never expected any communication during any of the activities. bed time has just been our thing. A nice time of most hectic days to say gnight and sleeptight. I'm not sure I explained it adequately for everyone that I wasnt missing being in contact I was missing saying goodnight. To me that has little to do with maturity or being clingy more just touching base.Thanks for your opinion though.


me BS 48
her WW 45
married 15 years
divorced
3 wonderful but hurt kids

Posts: 334 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: milwaukee
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But wasn't she busy at bedtime?? Why would you expect her to drop everything, leave the event and give you a goodnight kiss when she already told you it wouldn't be possible?


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19189 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am thinking "in charge of event with 100s of people" and the kind of dress/clothing she is likely to wear... WHERE is she keeping the phone??

If it were me, I would leave my phone in the hotel room rather than worry about losing it or keeping up with it.

As for the bedtime, if her "bedtime" were far later than normal or when she assumed you had gone to bed, I would think earlier beats later after you are already asleep. So if 4:30 is when she left her room and possibly her phone, then that is when she signed off for the night.

As for not wanting you there, I get this too. She is crisis management, point person on drinks, food, entertainment, whatever, I would not want to worry about the comfort/happiness of my "few months" recent SO. Not by phone or in person.

I think if she said "tied down like this" then you should follow up on this statement and make sure the two of you are on the same page with regards to what your relationship is and entails. You might not be on the same page.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5310 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
meaniemouse
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Member # 10798
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to agree with lieshurt and Sad--it sounds like you knew a while in advance that your SO was going to be really busy for that weekend. I can understand that if she was busy running around doing things that she might not have her phone with her, mine is too big to fit in a pocket and if I carry it I'm always worried about losing it somewhere. Also--if she was in charge all of her attention and energy might have needed to be on what she was doing. She did take time to contact you earlier so it wasn't like she went no contact for days on end. You knew where she was and what she was doing, and unless she (not your ex) has given you reason not to trust her, it's unfair for you to be angry or upset with her when she told you what the plan was and she basically stuck to it. If I were in her shoes I would be angry too--angry that you don't trust her, angry that what you want seems to be of more importance that what she wants, angry that she was doing a good deed, especially as a volunteer and instead of congratulating her you made her feel bad because she didn't meet your needs. What about her needs? Maybe she didn't want you to attend on Friday because she knew that she would be busy and couldn't pay attention to you in the way that you wanted her to and would be hurt and upset so she decided to avoid the problem all together and tell you to stay home. It doesn't sound "premeditated" to me but more like an effort to head off trouble with you before it started.

I'm not saying she's right or that you're wrong. It just seems like in this situation she was asking for a little space from you so she could get her mission accomplished and you interpreted it as something dishonest and dismissive. Some have said this would be a concern to them because it appears that she is not sensitive to what you want but my concern is that you don't seem to be very sensitive to what she wanted/needed in this instance.

Maybe the red flag is that this situation has brought up some underlying issues that may point to the fact that you two aren't compatible. If you see her as unconcerned about your feelings because she neglected to text you "goodnight" for two nights and she sees you as controlling or needy because you can't go for two nights without a "goodnight" text I see a storm on the horizon.


Act as if what you do matters. It does. William James

Posts: 2057 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Midwest
turned123
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Member # 33663
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great input gang. I bought a bottle of Dom perignon for her and arranged its delivery when I knew things had calmed down. I was trying to support her in her efforts. There was no hotel involved the event was 3 miles from her home. Perhaps there is rain on the horizon. The bed time text seems very easy to do for me. It obviously was not for her for those nights. Yep more discussion is needed.


me BS 48
her WW 45
married 15 years
divorced
3 wonderful but hurt kids

Posts: 334 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: milwaukee
Crescita
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Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The bed time text seems very easy to do for me. It obviously was not for her for those nights. Yep more discussion is needed.

What more is there to discuss? At the time she found it difficult or low priority, but now she knows your preference and can be more mindful in the future. A well timed text isn't going to prove fidelity. Especially if it's as quick and unobtrusive as you believe. You have to build trust. Are there behaviors other than early goodnight texts that are pinging you?


Posts: 2973 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
InnerLight
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Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As someone who puts on public events from time to time I would let my SO know that I would be out of touch and I would not be carrying around my phone engaging with calls or texts. Unless you've put on a public event it's hard to image how much brain space it takes to pull one off. It is a huge effort, whether it's volunteer or not. I would be annoyed if my SO was peeved by my non-contact especially if I had let him know in advance. It would also signal to me that he just doesn't get what it takes to do the work I do, so that would be like being unseen and unrecognized on top of it all.

You are only 2 months in - it's not enough time to establish patterns and boundaries that are in alignment with who you both are as people. This misunderstanding is perfect for having a discussion about it so that you know in the future.

I don't see it as a red flag but an opportunity for kind and respectful discussion of needs and expectations. If you feel misunderstood AFTER such a discussion, that would be a red flag.

Any expectation that I would answer a text while peeing would really piss me off! No pun intended!

Those are boundaries I could not live with. I need a lot more personal space than that!


Here's to A New Life of Excellent Health, Financial Abundance, Nature's Beauty, Amazing Art and Personal Creativity, with Love, Beauty and Peace All Around Us.

Posts: 5546 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: United States
turned123
♂ Member
Member # 33663
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We dated for a year took a 2 month break she asked to start dating again after she had broken it off so the good night texts have been going on for a very long time. Yes I expected one. Yes I was disappointed. This was a huge divergence from what was 'normal' for us BOTH and it threw me a bit. Was it a trigger? Sure! Do I recognize that? Yep. Did I make a mistake? Probably! But I still enjoy saying goodnight. Am I needy? No I'm not. Selfish? Yes at times! The discussion that's needed is to make sure we understand eachother better going forward. There was an obvious breakdown in communication. I am very sure i complicated it with my concern of infidelity something I need work on. Obviously during the trigger I had trust issues. All of the stories I've read here in just found out over the years showed some parallels hence the trigger. I think we both could have handled it better. And if I ever get a text from someone peeing I REALLY DON'T want to know about it


me BS 48
her WW 45
married 15 years
divorced
3 wonderful but hurt kids

Posts: 334 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: milwaukee
torn2bits
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Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok guys, I meant excusing yourself from the event to go to the bathroom and text....not actually going to the bathroom!


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
turned123
♂ Member
Member # 33663
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

T2b perhaps a new thread in fun and games?? Who's texted while...well you know!


me BS 48
her WW 45
married 15 years
divorced
3 wonderful but hurt kids

Posts: 334 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: milwaukee
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would be annoyed if my SO was peeved by my non-contact especially if I had let him know in advance.

I have to agree with this. She texted you before she went to the event. She tried to accommodate you, but you weren't happy with the timing of it. She had responsibilities that night and like it or not, sometimes those responsibilities do come before your goodnight text.


Posts: 13357 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
foreverempty
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Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to add my support for your feelings.

This would have bothered me massively too. I do need to feel important to the person I'm in a relationship with and especially after what I've been through this would have had me triggering like mad.

To me it would feel like putting me into my place and showing me that I was not as important to her as I would need to be as for me I always put the feelings of the person I'm with at the forefront of my mind at all times.

To me taking 2 minutes out to say goodnight, no matter how important the place I was or the company I'm with, would be natural.

I'd like it to be reciprocated without having to push the point....


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 605 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
turned123
♂ Member
Member # 33663
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the support forever empty!!! That is why we are all here really! To support each other, and to try to learn from our mistakes and to grow as people. I think sometimes it's easy for people to just figure what is right for them is right for everyone but we are all different and bring lifetimes of experiences with us to everything we do. I've learned a lot here about myself. I don't always agree with the folks here but I respect the opinions they share. Without them we would never see objectivity applied to ourselves. I know how I feel and right or wrong they are my feelings I own them and am accountable for them. I know some people here don't see it the way I did and that's ok. That's why I post here, to hear what they have to say. Sometimes they change my mind and sometimes they don't. For me what happened isn't ok. She should have said goodnight. My mind won't change on that one. Having said that I'm over it. This dialogue has helped me see there is a larger issue at play that needs to be worked out. I don't expect anyone to understand how I arrived at that but I did. I thank all who contributed! They have thier opinion and I have mine. I wouldn't claim to know what is best for someone else I can only share what my perspective is and I think for the most part that's what took place. Mostly..not all!


me BS 48
her WW 45
married 15 years
divorced
3 wonderful but hurt kids

Posts: 334 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: milwaukee
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like you would benefit from some more self-reflection and possibly IC. I'd definitely recommend "Co-Dependent No More." If this is enough to trigger you, it really doesn't sound like you're in a healthy place to date. Which means you won't attract healthy people (explaining her outsized reaction) and wind up far less happy than you could be.

t2b - I've been in an adjoining stall while someone has been peeing and talking on the phone


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3101 | Registered: Dec 2011
Sad in AZ
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Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To me taking 2 minutes out to say goodnight, no matter how important the place I was or the company I'm with, would be natural.

So, if you were half-way around the world in a very important meeting that could make or break your company, you would interrupt it to say goodnight to someone when you had the opportunity to explain this beforehand? I'd hate to be in your shoes...


I promise to surround myself with amazing souls and love them fiercely.

Posts: 19189 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Catwoman
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Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, but I feel your expectations waaaaay out of line.

She told you ahead of time that she wasn't going to be able to communicate as usual. Instead of taking that in stride and being understanding, you are quibbling about a text she sent that YOU feel was not timed properly. That just so hit me the wrong way.

She probably was heading down to do all the last minute stuff that has to be do e before a big event. She probably didnt know when she was going to have another minute to breathe, so she made sure she said good night to you.

But it wasn't enough? Lord, I would be peeved.

Personally, I think you are being too demanding that she schedule her stuff around when you want to be told good night. She told you this event would be an aberration in your normal communications--why can you not accept it with good grace, be proud that she volunteered to take something like this on and figure out something fun to do in her absence?

I would not be pleased if I were in her shoes.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29475 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
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