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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: When D literally is impossible
PrincessPeach06
♀ Member
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A few times WS has commented "I wonder if it would have been easier if we both had walked away".

Now first of all I think no it wouldn't have changed the pain and would have made it worse actually. And second we are still real early in all of this.

Then I thought of the reality of our situation. A mortgage, 2 car payments, credit cards, bills bills bills, student loans I can't pay and of course 6 kids. I haven't worked in 15 years and have 24 college credits to my name is all. Family is hours away. And of course not a dime saved. :/

Yeah there would be no "walking away" even if we thought it best.

[This message edited by PrincessPeach06 at 10:26 AM, July 15th (Monday)]


Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 36
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-6
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".


Posts: 299 | Registered: Jun 2013
Searchingforhope
♀ Member
Member # 38437
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Princess))..

If you are making progress in R, even if it is teeny tiny progress, then I would be hopeful that you can make it.

Sometimes it may feel like nothing is getting better...until you look back and remember how it was in the earlier days of R.

I totally understand how both you and your H feel...

6 children to consider..wow...We only have 1 and she is such a huge reason that I am in R...even though she is 22, starting a Master's program, and living her life...She has told me that she would understand if I left the M..I still want to keep our little family intact.

Even though our financial and work situation is different than yours...I think it would be really exhausting to unravel 30 yrs of being together...not easy at all.

Not sure when your Dday was..I see you just registered...

But if it was very recent, than realize that it's a very long road ahead to R.

((hugs to you ))


Me: BW 51 (didn't have a clue)
Him: FWH 54(extremely remorseful about his stupid midlife crisis)
Married 27 yrs

PA that lasted approx. 2 weeks. OW was a younger but totally screwed up %#@%!

DDay 4-25-12
Reconciling


Posts: 142 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: California
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand. Sure, it sounds easier to walk away, but we too are stuck financially. Not only that, we have two wonderful kids that we love. The option of R seems harder, but we have no choice then to pursue it. In a way it is a good thing. You either make it work or you MAKE IT WORK. Much like our ancestors.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
27yearsnowlost
♀ Member
Member # 38787
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in the same boat you are...my WH and I had to rebuild our home from hurricane sandy. So we use a lot of our savings. I have been married for 27 years and my job was to take care of the house and kids. I have no career of my own. I can't start over because I would have to get at least 2 jobs to pay for rent and bills. We are trying to R but its hard. I moved out of our bedroom. I have good days and bad days but he is trying...


Bw (me) 47
WH (him) 59
D day 3/7/2013
Married 26 together 28
2 adult sons 25 and 22

Posts: 167 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: nj
Dare2Trust
♀ Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PrincessPeach,

I took the time to read your profile and all your posts before replying.

Are you in Individual Therapy? Are you and you WS in Marriage Counseling?

I find a couple of things about your husband Affair "attitude" interesting:
--That he's commented, "Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater."
--That he's disclosed his affair to friends, family members, etc.....Because he says he wants ACCOUNTABILITY."

YET: He refuses to accept enough responsibility for his cheating, and the pain he's caused you to even sit down a READ A BOOK...So, you're required to read the book "Not Just Friends" and then tell him what you've read...SO, he can or cannot discuss it with you.

This doesn't indicate to me - that you WS is doing HIS PART to work towards marriage reconciliation.

Can I ask:
WHAT EXACTLY is your WS doing to help you heal from the destruction he's caused you and your marriage?

You husband must understand: This marrige reconciliation requires the HARD WORK both marrriage partners...not just you!

He also needs to understand, everything is not "just about him."
Personally I'd be highly offended if my husband dared to state: "He's held me at arms length emotionally for 16 years because he was so afraid he might get hurt;" ....YET, he'd turn around and destroy me mentally and emotionally by have TWO AFFAIRS?
Give me a break!

Your D-Day was recent - So, your husband has a lot of damage to FIX - damage he caused.

I'd suggest: Your husband needs to STOP thinking about what "might be easier" and start figuring how how he's going to FIX this MESS he's made -- and how he's going to help you to heal.

I'm sincerely sorry for the pain and turmoil you're going through.
(((hugs))))


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6113 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 5

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