I think it's fine to live in a multi-family home, as you've chosen, but your married son should be paying an equal share of the costs, based on income. He has a SWEET deal right now and is taking advantage of your goodness. That's the first issue.
I think you're wise to proceed with caution with the girlfriend. Right now you should focus on your 17 year old and getting him through high school and "launched" into adulthood. Girlfriends/boyfriends should always take the backseat to the stability of minor children.
I disagree with the post about your SO being manipulative about saving sex for marriage though. (I know you didn't say this but someone else did). That's a highly unfair statement for those of us (and I know I'm a minority) who choose to only have sex within marriage. Your SO *might* be manipulative, but it's impossible to know that just from that one thing.
The situation with my current friend is not always a vacation. I work 10-12 hrs a day on the island where she lives. We have a small dinner a couple times a week and sometimes she goes out to a bar with a group of us. She (or any other guests) is/are not allowed in the compound where we stay.
Occasionally we get away to the "big city" on the island for a weekend but that happens maybe once every month at most.
It's true I could be a little infatuated... From a purely physical standpoint, the WW has been a big flabby, smelly mess for the last 15 years or so. It's nice to date a pretty girl that is in shape and likes to dress up for me! What's wrong with that???
The thing I have gotten most out of all this discussion is to protect my youngest son and provide a safe haven for him to finish high school and start college, and that's where I will focus.
I said it.
If the gf had said she'd only have sex after marriage, then no, I wouldn't see it at manipulative. However, in this case he said she said they'd have to at least be engaged. To me, that's the manipulative part. Either you believe in waiting until after marriage to have sex or you don't.
Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.
But we have talked about it very bluntly - she feels uncomfortable having sex with a technically still-married man, and to be honest, I am too. (even though my seemingly still teenage hormones tell me otherwise)
The one possibly manipulative thing that bothers me a bit is that she rather expects me to pay her $60 per month cell phone bill. It's probably not a big deal, especially when I am back in the states like now, but it does bother me a little...
[This message edited by pointmagnet at 8:23 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)]
This should bother you....more than a little too.
Being roughly your age, my concern is more that you are seriously rushing the significance of this relationship. You first met her in March. Then (if I have the details correct) you were back in the US for three more months, just seeing her again right about now. IMO, you children’s concerns are very valid because they’re not seeing it through your lust filled eyes. They see their not yet divorced father head over heels for someone they don’t know, have never met and yes – her being 4 years younger than your oldest son would be a mind blowing freak out for anyone. Her insistence that you pay for her phone? Hmmm…no. That right there smacks of her need to date a wallet, my friend.
Look, I totally get the whole “she makes me feel new again” aspects of this. I also get the strong physical attraction as well. IMO, you’d be wise to just slow things down considerably. Perhaps see her when you go there next for work but keep things light. Get your divorce moving and off your plate and focus on your kids.
"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!
I've known my friend since last November - started dating in late January/February.
She is 9 years older than my son (4 yrs older than DIL).
My approach will be like "fight club" around my family. First rule of SO is to not talk about SO. What happens in the Caribbean stays in the Caribbean from now on.
Like someone else said, this should bother you. She is an adult, she chose to get into this relationship. She would have a cell phone bill if you weren't dating, granted it wouldn't be as high. That would be like me asking SO to put gas into my car every trip I make to his home. When going into a LDR I realized it would be costly (both financially and emotionally,)it was the price I chose to pay and I don't expect him to cover my share.
When you go out on dates and are together, do you find you are always picking up the tab? Does she pick up her share?
Even young adults will deal with cognitive dissonance how they need to in order to survive. They may not like that their mother is dating, but she hasn't asked, and doesn't care for, their opinion on the matter. She is, in effect, driving them away and telling them that her selfish desires (OM) are more important to her than their opinion or her relationship with them. They have no choice but to accept it.
They likely feel safer expressing concerns to you than they would with her.
Shutting out their concerns or forcing SO on them when they are not ready will eventually put you in the same camp as your WW. They will stop trying to intervene, because they will stop thinking they matter to you.
Being a parent is a pretty thankless job. Most people step up and do it well anyway. Your kids currently feel safe enough to express their discomfort to you. Be careful minimizing or dismissing that.
And yes, the phone thing is not okay. Like the "my way or the highway" attitude that made you feel guilty about not wanting to go dancing (where you are uncomfortable) when you wanted to spend a quiet evening catching up, or the flower guilt trip that stressed that if you don't do what she wants, time will be limited for you. And the sexual innuendo but refusing to actually have sex, basically taunting you. No bueno, friend.
[This message edited by Amazonia at 9:31 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)]
Yes, that sounds quite bothersome. You shouldn't be paying ANY of her bills, at this point. You can pay for dinners out and the entertainment you do while dating, but not her bills.
[This message edited by dead_inside at 10:03 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)]
Dude. The least of your worries is The Flower Only Blooms So Long Island Girl. She is not the answer to your prayers or your reward for being so miserable for so long.
Have you ever had any counseling?
Hurtinky - I filed for divorce almost a fucking year ago and the fat blimp putrid sack of shit WW has been dragging her feet for some unknown reason. I offered her everything initially AND SHE DIDNT TAKE IT!
She's a total hoarder (like you see on TV) and I think she simply cannot let go of me even though I live 1100 miles away from her. She is fucked up.
On the other hand, my current SO is kind, caring, beautiful and fun to be with. We have the same interests - sports, current events, and more sports! I get it that my kids are not ready and I am too ready, so I am going to cool it while in the US, but what happens in the Islands stays in the Islands!
I have had counseling and the therapists always tell me this: Victim no more - live my life to the fullest! We are on this earth for only a short time so make the best of it.
(of course with the kids in mind...) And that is what I plan to do.
It just seems like it was yesterday that you were asking if you should let your buddy broker the introduction to this woman, and you decided it was too soon.
I guess my personal opinion is, dating and especially getting serious with someone, is not wise when you have a lot of other issues. And you have them: an unfinished divorce and you are clearly bogged down in anger, your living situation, your minor son still needs launching. I just don't see where adding a woman who needs a visa and who isn't too much older than your son to mix will help.
Yes, life is short, but that doesn't mean do whatever feels good. I still think you are operating from a place of feeling like a victim. Now you are rewarding yourself for having been one, it seems. Just my opinion, take it or leave it.
Just for clarity - I was so sick of the marriage that in March 2012 I offered the WW ALL of my retirement/401K savings, ALL 3 of the homes we owned, plus ALL of our possessions and liquid assets, JUST TO LET ME GO!
And she turned it down.
How can I not be upset? She doesn't want to be divorced (even though she fucks every man within 100 miles of her place) and I cannot do ANYTHING to speed it along.
So I accidentally end up with a wonderful girlfriend and now I'm the bad guy??? WTF?
I GET IT. IT'S TOO SOON FOR THE KIDS, even though two thirds of them are adults.
Yeah I'm a victim, but I've been a victim for 30 years and I'm tired of it.
No one is saying you are the bad guy. We are just pointing out some things that you might want to think about.
Your WW turned down your offer, that's crazy, but can't you proceed, go on to court and let a judge figure it out? Sounds like you will come out better that way too, because your offer was more generous than a standard equitable split.
Thoughts??? - Feel free to bring a 2x4 if you think it's needed!
Point, I think you asked for honest opinions and that's what you're getting here.
Your anger and bitterness is pretty overwhelming and quite understandable given the situation.
I hope you can process all of that and not take it into your new relationship.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do. Is the daughter going to come and visit as well?
So I accidentally end up with a wonderful girlfriend and now I'm the bad guy???
I don't believe anybody thinks you are a bad guy PM. What I do believe is that people have genuine concern for you and your situation. Without a doubt, people are concerned about this woman's intentions. What I'm seeing is that you are flattered by the attention of a pretty, young girl which is an improvement over your WW. You really haven't spent enough time with this woman to know if she is relationship material or even truly sincere where you are concerned. You like the attention and that is understandable. However, step back and truly look at this situation. There are a lot of things to take into consideration, most especially your son. Inconnu and her SO are a fine example of how to handle a new relationship and how it impacts kids. It may seem like you are making all of the sacrifices, but in the long run, you'll be glad you did.
More clarification: "Accidental" means that I met my friend when she was working at the compound where we stay. My co-worker and I would see her every day... Eventually he said something like, "hey that woman is interested in you."
So I replied, "what, are you crazy?"
He wouldn't let it rest and invites her out for an evening with us. Then he invites her along to the companion island for a weekend. I was not looking for anything, but it turned out she is fun to be with... And then a few months later, things kind of stepped up to the next level. So it was accidental.
My daughter, her husband and I are taking a Florida vacation in September. No talk of SO will occur before or during that time.
On the divorce side, the court is slower than molasses in the city where the WW lives. It could eventually happen this year, but I will be surprised if it does.
[This message edited by pointmagnet at 9:23 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)]