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User Topic: Oh surprise. He has crap boundries again.
Broken613
♀ Member
Member # 17670
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I debated whether or not to post this as I mainly lurk. However, I need to vent as I go to work in a few hours and if I don’t I will have a breakdown in all honesty. I spent the majority of last night bawling and am much worse for wear this am.
Language and TLDR warning.
This isn’t even about infidelity, really, as I am nearly sure Husband isn’t involved emotionally or physically with another woman.
Last night I asked to see his phone as I have felt something has been off for a number of weeks. And indeed, the log showed that he had exchanged some messages with a co-worker who is, for lack of a better term, a desperate soul seeking validation. I have been very vocal about how I feel about his work friendship with her and how I dislike that they are FB friends.
Thing is he fucking lied. Said he had no idea why the log would say that, as there were no messages on his phone. AYFKM? Eventually he admitted to deleting the messages because he knew I would get mad, but they were “totally about work related things.” I’m sure you smell the bullshit already. It’s history repeating itself. I didn’t enjoy this ride the first time, TYVM. I’m confident that there isn’t anything. Yet. Although, even though her and I were never FB friends, I am suddenly blocked by her. Which is all sorts of red flags. Fuck.
If there is a whiff of anything I will be contacting their employer and they will both lose their jobs (as per policy). He knows I will not hesitate to do this.
Point is he lied and then got angry at me because he “can’t have friends of the opposite sex,” and that I need to “learn to fucking trust him.” I told him he needs to earn that. To which, and here’s where my heartbreaks, he screamed at me, then proceeded to change all of his passwords to everything and lock his phone because I “violated his privacy by looking.”
This morning I sent him and email stating my conditions. I told him I need to not demand my trust but to ask me how he can facilitate me in learning to trust him again. What I didn’t state is that if the passwords aren’t restored by the time I get home from work tonight, I think I have to walk away.
Last night I removed my ring for the first time since we got married. I just don’t know anymore.
****
TLDR version: My husband is a liar (and a colossal asshat) and I have no idea where my marriage stands at this point. Also, trust your instincts.


Don't gamble with what you can't afford to lose.
D-Day - December 18th, 2007
Real D-Day - May 24th, 2014
More lies in months that followed

Posts: 175 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: British Columbia
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hugs))) I think that you are well within your rights to both out them to their employer and to walk away. And I agree 100% with your assessment of your WHs character.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4715 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This isn’t even about infidelity, really, as I am nearly sure Husband isn’t involved emotionally or physically with another woman.


Last night I asked to see his phone as I have felt something has been off for a number of weeks. And indeed, the log showed that he had exchanged some messages with a co-worker who is, for lack of a better term, a desperate soul seeking validation. I have been very vocal about how I feel about his work friendship with her and how I dislike that they are FB friends.
Thing is he fucking lied. Said he had no idea why the log would say that, as there were no messages on his phone. AYFKM? Eventually he admitted to deleting the messages

Hmmm.... doesn't compute in my brain.

Which of the two is true? (Hint: "then proceeded to change all of his passwords to everything and lock his phone because I “violated his privacy by looking.”)


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with ladies_first ~something is wrong here.

He lied.
He got angry.
He screamed.
He changed all of his PW.

I would seriously watch his every move and yes, if he refuses to give you access to those PWs I would tell him to leave.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2109 | Registered: Nov 2011
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I’m confident that there isn’t anything.
If he's deleting and lying, then there is something. There's lying and hiding and secrets. And in the aftermath of infidelity, that is HUGE.

Gently, if he does not see this, then you're at square one.

I'm really sorry.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8542 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
pewpewpew
♀ Member
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh. Hell. No.

He has boundary issues and I see there was a dday years ago?
He no longer is able to have opposite sex friends unless they are friends of the M in my opinion.

The fact that he is not being transparent is a huge no no.

If he is unwilling to give PW, and what not would be grounds for me to kick his ass out.


ME: 30
WH: 35

Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.


Posts: 310 | Registered: Jan 2013
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What age is he? 15? He is moaning because he cannot have FB friends of the opposite sex? Good gosh, I do not know how old you guys are, but, really? That is one of his issues? When spouses cheat they give up the chance to have "friends" of the opposite sex because they have proven themselves to be too immature for the relationships. How long do they "pay" for their boundary issues. Forever unless you give permission on a person by person basis. And then, you get to monitor. Cheating with anybody starts with the first lie, the first erased text, or the first private message you cannot read.

Oh, and passwords? I have them all and so should you. As someone before me said, "privacy is for the bathroom."


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1447 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
Markone
♂ Member
Member # 30291
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

Work-related - my ass.


DD 11/28/10
Me (BH)
Her (WS)
Separated and filed (7/13)

Posts: 412 | Registered: Dec 2010
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has everything to do with infidelity and you are well within your rights to walk away, but if you afraid to trust your gut, I fear you will go through this all over again.

Take care of yourself.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20002 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't say this to scare you or presume that our situations are the same, but my WS's affair with a coworker began similarly.

Even if its not an affair yet, something about this isn't adding up.

Trust your gut. The first time he even mentioned her, I got nervous for the first time in 10 years. Never had a problem with him having a female friend before. But with this one, something was different.

Your instincts are good.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 6:15 PM, July 15th (Monday)]


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
Broken613
♀ Member
Member # 17670
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At work, so can't add full reply. But wanted to thank everyone for responding.
I should have been more clear - I have been monitoring his emails, fb, etc. on the d/l for awhile and nothing has popped up. But obviously I am in the dark about what goes on at his work. Will write more later. Thanks again, all.


Don't gamble with what you can't afford to lose.
D-Day - December 18th, 2007
Real D-Day - May 24th, 2014
More lies in months that followed

Posts: 175 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: British Columbia
WoundedOpus
♀ Member
Member # 39521
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aside from the part where he freaked out on you and changed all of his passwords, I could have written a very similar post. Do I think my FWH was having an affair with his coworker? No, but he was crossing boundaries, lying, hiding, being deceitful. Ultimately he was getting kibbles from her at the very least.

While I'm sure they had very valid reasons to speak about work, it was obviously too friendly. She was not a friend of the marriage, and he was lying about it. I hadn't checked anything in a very long time, but something in my gut was screaming that things were off, and I was sure she was involved, sadly I found it was the case. Would it have eventually turned into something more if I hadn't put a stop to it? I don't know, but it still wasn't good. And he didn't/doesn't seem to get why it brought us right back to day one, 4.5 years later.

Sorry you're going through this, both our husbands are truly asshats for sure! A truly remorseful spouse doesn't do this because they have learned boundaries, they do not need to have female friends more than they need to make sure you feel safe. Period. Following that train of thought, there's never anything to lie about, nothing to delete and nothing to hide!


Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38
(DDay: 2/2008)
13 years, 5 kids...Six years of Limbo

“I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman


Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2013
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His response to you asking for the phone and questioning his lies is a huge red flag for me. People who have nothing to hide do not lie and get angry and curse and blame shift, yelling at the other person that they need to just "learn to fucking trust" them. Sounds like he hasn't "earned" your trust back, and from just what you've written, he seems like a manipulative asshole..

Of course he will deny a co-worker affair till the cows come home, especially if he thinks his and OW's jobs are at stake. He might do anything to keep it a secret.. That's good you've been keeping tabs on the down low.. Perhaps he has a "secret" email, FB, phone?

I think his disrespect and mantrums and changing the passwords are reasons enough to kick him to the curb for now, but maybe you want to investigate the home computer and his phone more thoroughly to make an informed decision.. His attitude sounds like an active, unremorseful wayward to me..

If he wants to choose his "friends of the opposite sex" over his marriage, that's his choice. He should know the rules and boundaries by now without having to be told or reminded, and you shouldn't have to defend that decision. He needs to protect the marriage with boundaries if he wants to keep it..

Big hugs to you..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2099 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Zayda1
♀ Member
Member # 35387
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would have issues with this. To be honest I would be packing my WH's bags if he did this.

I have been very clear that transparency and openness are a requirement. One false move and I am done.

I am so sorry...


Married 9 years, together for 11 years
2 children (7 years & 4 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 465 | Registered: Apr 2012
SoVerySadNow
♀ Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Red flags for me too.
I'd have stuffed WH's crap in Hefty bags at the curb. On garbage day.

You don't have to put up with anything. But WH has to have correct boundaries. Maybe he should review "Not Just Friends"?


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
Broken613
♀ Member
Member # 17670
Default  Posted: 12:21 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Firstly, thank you thank you thank you to all of your replies. I snuck glances between customers at work and it made me feel less like a jealous bitch and more justified in my rights. Also, "mantrum."
So as soon as he got home tonight he reverted all of his passwords back to the ones I know (except for gmail, which he could not change back, but told me the new one). Offered me his phone - to which I declined. At work he kept texting me that he was sorry and that he changed to passwords back, to which he got crickets.
He's all mopey as he keeps saying he's a terrible person, blahblahblah. I told him I'm sorry he feels that way about himself and that I never said that. But that maybe he can use this feeling as a tool to re-evaluate his actions.
He still hasn't removed her from FB, though. And until that happens I told him I will not feel safe in our marriage and that my ring will remain off my finger.
I am too lazy to quote, but yes, he is acting like a petulant teenager. We're in our 30s FFS. And for what it is worth, he has plenty of female friends and with the rare exception, I don't really care. But this chick bugs me. Especially with the blocking. That's very telling in and of itself.
I get that this is going to be more of an uphill battle (again). He's a KISA and I am co-dependant. A horrid combination.
I'm going to keep monitoring. I can't install software (he knows computers and will find it), but I have educated myself on how to read the trails websites leave behind that he never clears.
To answer a question on secret emails, phones. etc.. Secret email is a possibility - that's what happened on our first d-day. He left it open. But I don't think he has another phone. I can account for any and all monies and there are no strange expenditures. And frankly, I promised myself that if he ever had a secret phone/email again he was done.
I think it's time for bed. Sorry this was so long!


Don't gamble with what you can't afford to lose.
D-Day - December 18th, 2007
Real D-Day - May 24th, 2014
More lies in months that followed

Posts: 175 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: British Columbia
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get that this is going to be more of an uphill battle (again). He's a KISA and I am co-dependant.

If your M is a battle, then one partner isn't pulling his/her weight.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Point is he lied and then got angry at me because he “can’t have friends of the opposite sex,” and that I need to “learn to fucking trust him.” I told him he needs to earn that. To which, and here’s where my heartbreaks, he screamed at me, then proceeded to change all of his passwords to everything and lock his phone because I “violated his privacy by looking.”

So sorry. This sounds heartbreakingly familiar. Stick to your guns. Don't let him bullshit you and make you think you're the bad guy. ((HUGS))


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6663 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Broken613
♀ Member
Member # 17670
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If your M is a battle, then one partner isn't pulling his/her weight.

I see your point. I mean that it's hard when I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings and he feels the need to save every damn damsel in distress.
But I'm at a point in my life where I simply cannot take anymore shit from anyone. I am absolutely sticking to my guns on this one.
I did get a chance to review his workplace policy and I can feel better about the fact nothing untoward is going on through their emails there as copies get sent to HR and upper management. They also do not have any alone time there, so I really feel this is a case of him being an ass and not really understanding why this is a big deal.
If she doesn't come off of his Facebook tonight, though, I will be moving on down to D/S. Wish me luck.

[This message edited by Broken613 at 4:52 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)]


Don't gamble with what you can't afford to lose.
D-Day - December 18th, 2007
Real D-Day - May 24th, 2014
More lies in months that followed

Posts: 175 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: British Columbia
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she doesn't come off of his Facebook tonight, though, I will be moving on down to D/S.

It would be ideal if he blocked her himself, but if this is your line in the sand before Divorce, then you may ask him to block her.

Good luck!!

(((Broken613)))


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
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