[This message edited by DoneWithLove at 5:12 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]
sisoon-what a nice definition of r. I wish I could say it was what i had.
as for pms, i would like to add that i also have a harder time dealing with fwh, but mine manifests in tears and emotional meltdowns. I'm 47 now, 3 years ago prior to dday, i never really had a problem with pms. sometimes it was so slight, my period would catch me by surprise.
Blah, not so anymore. it seems that the trauma of finding out about the cheating, plus getting closer to menopause has magnified my pms. I'm an emotional wreck for sometimes 10 days to a couple of weeks prior to an actual period.
I would imagine pms is hard for all involved, regardless if we are w or b.
I love my H but when you poke the bear, your gonna get fucked up.
If a person (WS or BS) has terrible PMS before Dday, then I'm sure both parties in the relationship are aware of it and work together to get thru that nightmare time each month. After Dday, they both know the person (WS or BS) has terrible PMS and while it may complicate things for a few days a month, continue to work together to get thru it.
I agree with what Aubrie is saying in general, but I want to focus on this bit specifically. My wife's PMS was brutal. That's not a joke.
I learned to "work together and get thru" it by knowing the signs that PMS was coming and playing duck-and-cover for a week. That's also not a joke. Working together meant that I had to learn to let bygones be bygones for whatever vicious and ugly things were said, whatever fights were picked, etc. to me one week out of the month.
We did that for years, and I just understood that "this is how my wife is during PMS". It was part of the package.
The problem after D-day was that I stopped giving a shit about "this is how my wife is", so if she was going to bring it one week out of the month, then I was going to fucking eat her lunch. I'm not going to "work together to get through" someone treating me like the dog they get to kick.
I think that's what the male BS is up against with PMS (and the female WS). I made a post recently about margins for error. Most guys know that PMS week is a crappy time for their wives, so they try to be more understanding and learn to duck-and-cover and self-soothe...because we've learned that PMS earns a bit of margin for error 'cuz it sucks for our wives.
It's highly likely that margin for error is going to get chewed up after D-day because, frankly, the BH just isn't going to tolerate being a punching bag. The angry words, disrespectful attitudes, fights picked, etc., aren't going to be instantly forgiven under the umbrella of PMS. They're going to *count* as one more example of the WS expecting the BS to eat the shit sandwich with a smile. Expecting me to be understanding because you've got PMS has consequences that it likely didn't have before.
I want to stress here: I'm not actually disagreeing with Aubrie. I'm just pointing out that it's more complicated than just "do what we've always done that's worked instead of using PMS as an excuse to be a twat", because "what we've always done" is predicated on a whole host of assumptions, dynamics, quid pro quos and generosity of understanding that likely does not exist for more than a dozen PMS cycles after a D-day.
ETA: Excised a minorly pertinent detail, because it felt like over-sharing on review.
[This message edited by wincing_at_light at 8:45 AM, July 18th (Thursday)]
I love my H but when you poke the bear, your gonna get fucked up.
If your PMS is that bad, to the point that you're ragey and hostile, please go see your doctor.
I get it - it took trial and error to figure out which hormonal birth control didn't make me psycho. I CANNOT take Ortho Tri-Cyclen as the triphasic pills make me insane. Like, throwing a heavy tray at my friend when she asked me if I was ok (we were waitresses at the time). I also can't take generic birth control at all - too much variation is allowed in the amount of effective ingredients and the slight shifts made me weepy and angry. It's REALLY hard, but I do think it's important to get your hormones under control. It's not fair to punish the other people in your life because of PMS and it's definitely not a free pass to vent your anger.
I'm sorry if I came across as harsh, but I just think shrugging and saying, yeah, I can say what I want because he fucked up and I have PMS is not conducive to a healthy dynamic. That's a week out of the month, 25% of your whole LIVES.
A menstrual cycle is absolutely no excuse to mistreat people and then laugh about it.
Unless you are laughing together which my W and I have done. :)
ETA: Also..a BW..especially a new BW..or a BW who has experienced a dose of TT..have been traumatized by the actions of their WH. The betrayal,the lying,the depth of all of that,etc. PMS intensifies all of those feelings.
As for a WW..can she call her BH an asshole and be bitchy..sure. I don't think their BH's response will be a good one..but sure,they can be bitchy when they have PMS. But if they are trying to R..well..as unfair as this sounds..no..no they can't be bitchy..they can't tell their BH's to go to Hell..not if they want to R. Unfair? Sure. But..nothing about infidelity is fair.
[This message edited by confused615 at 9:07 AM, July 18th (Thursday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Prior to dday I didn't have much of a problem anymore. After dday every thing was heightened so certain times I'd go off the rails and I didn't feel like I had much control over it. That was the most frustrating and scary part. It's leveled out again, so now I do have more 'control' to recognize it and work on it.
My husband knew it was coming, many times before I did. He'd brace himself and when it was over he'd throw his hands up in the air and say WHEE -- another ride on the roller coaster. I've been given a prescription and one of the side effects is mood swings, we are both nervous at the thoughts of me taking it. Things are good now, so lets not rock the boat.
I agree with Confused. IMO we relate to things from our own experiences. We honestly have no idea what another person truly experiences. It's not possible.
Sorry, but I get my back up a little when people say, just control it. Like it's that easy. Like somehow you are acting a certain way on purpose and snap out of it. Suggesting to someone they should get something like hormones checked out by a doctor - and it's not always easy to find the problem and correct it BTW is one thing. It's another to say in judgement, make a choice to control it.
[This message edited by DixieDevastated at 9:00 AM, July 18th (Thursday)]
Jana, it's nice to know I'm not the only one who went psycho on certain seemingly benign pills.
t/j - I have so many friends who went nuts on triphasic birth control. I don't know anyone who DIDN'T go nuts on it. end t/j