i feel this since of obligation to stay, you know? i mean...we are attempting r...as most of you know my story...but it is just so hard.
i feel like if we didnt have kids, i would have left his ass...yesterday. and he would have been just another man i was serious with...and it "didnt work out." and never talk to him again in life...just be a memory.
like with the man i used to live with for several years before i met my husband. "it didnt work out." it was a painful breakup...but after 4-5 months...i was dating again...and moved on. no hard feelings about anything...wished him the best...still do in fact....but knew that he wasnt for me. 6 months after that break up, i met my husband.
but, now it is not so easy to just dump him. i look at the 2 of them playing horsey, or airplane...or my h reading to him all the time...and completely in love with this little boy...and it breaks my heart...
so hard to leave now that he is doing an honest attempt at r.
it is all about keeping the family together....now if only i could just forgive him for being such a monster........
Wishing you the best!
Having a toddler in the mix absolutely changes the landscape. Of course, kids of any age, pets, finances.... there are lots of other case scenarios, but I relate to yours intimately.
I don't know that I would have just cut and run, but I thought about it from time to time and felt like DD was the only thing tethering me to the situation.
There comes times where you have to say "I'm doing the best I can under the circumstances." The fact is, your sweet son is here and this is the way things are shaped for the moment. If you need to get out with your son, that's ok. If you want to keep trying, that's ok too.
We have our kids, they love their dads. It is what it is, and you're doing your best.
Sending big hugs.
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot
I am 10 months from DDay and occasionally still contemplate separation, and told my fWH as much. You may need to prepare yourself a little bit, say it when you're calm not in the heat of anger.
We are in R.
I read an article yesterday about feeling "weak" by not leaving. The author stated just the opposite. We are STRONG for staying and fighting and trying to work this out. If things don't work out in the end, at least we know we tried, right?
Best of luck to you all. Thanks again for posting.
Give yourself time to figure things out. On rough days, I just commit to keeping things together for the day and find a few moments for myself to do something I enjoy.
Sending you good thoughts
[This message edited by meplusfour at 3:17 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)]
Boy do I get it! Mine are 2 and 4
it also makes me wonder seriously...how many BSs REALLY dump their spouses when kids are involved, and with a remorseful husband. when i go down to the divorce and separation forum...and i am in there reading a lot (just in case)....i see that most of the situations involve an unremorseful, serial cheating spouse, who either ran off with ap...or who shows no signs of improving the m.
i havent seen many on this site or in real life....who dump them when the wayward is doing everything right. VERY few. that gives me some encouragement at least that maybe..."staying for the kids"....is the right decision. at least for now.
but it definitely is like eating a shit sandwich.
I tried very vey hard to make things work for the sake of our son. I really didn't want him to come from a broken home. The thing is after lots of IC (both StbxWH and I go to IC) and MC I realized that staying is doing more damage than good to our son. Yes an intact home is important but not the only way to raise healthy and well adjusted children. It has been hard for me to accept and I feel immense guilt but after seeing a child psychologist several times I am convinced that it is healthier for my son (and I) that I separate from his father. He is as good a dad as he can be and does his best but children learn from the underlying things too, they are very attuned. My WH learned his ways from his father even though outwardly his father did everything "right". His father was a serial cheater and see all women as objects... That inbedded in WH even though he wasn't aware of everything. I don't want my son to learn that from his dad too. He will know his daddy but I am trying to make sure my son is exposed to the good and not the bad parts of his father
(I also read up on sex addicts and the effects on children as well as NPD's it is scary. I don't want that constant influence on my son)
Either way: R or D you have to co-parent and work together. Either is very hard. I don't regret the 16 months of MC we did because we have a good basis to co-parent from now. I can also someday look in my sons eyes and honestly say I tried everything to R but it was not meant to be. I have made peace that D is the best for us although It is still emotional hell. I grew up with stbxwh, he's been my best friend my whole life... It's incredibly hard.
Sorry if this post isn't helpful or inappropriate? You're post and words are so familiar to me (I could've posted that a few months ago!) I just wanted to point out that there is someone who has decided to divorce despite stbxwh going to IC etc because I have come to the realization that he just is not capable of certain emotions or abilities no matter what and how much he wants to be or I want him to be. It is a dealbreaker for me because it will do more harm to my son as a constant influence than a divorce will. I certainly dont advocate D though. I still would be fighting for R if wh was capable of being a healthy constant influence but he just isn't. It's so very hard not to feel like a failure for not R but we each do our best. My journey is far from over but what I do know is that my son will always come first for me (so I totally get staying for the kids!!) and I will make damn sure he has all the love he needs. He is my everything and I'd do anything for him. His best interest is my first concern and I believe I am following what would be best for him. I unfortunately also know the damage a dad can do that is not healthy and I won't let my son live that.
Hang in there and good luck. I hope you find peace whatever path you continue on. I do think it is important to at least give it ones best shot to R when you have children. I have immense respect and awe for those that actually manage full R. I wish my wh was capable of it. This is not what I wanted for my son. Not at all but I will make the best of it!
Kids can and do very well with two loving parents, who love them, but not necessarily each other, and live apart. I feel like I was better off being raised this way, than my parents staying together.
Just some food for thought. But, you are right, it is a S**T sandwich! On the best of days!
"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies!
And I do like wh... Will I stay with him forever? Who knows? Once the kids are out of babyhood... Maybe in college... It all depends on how wh acts these next few years.
For NOW I stay BC of the kids. I have told him this.
daisy....i understand completely. i know i would have done the same thing. i applaud you for thinking of YOUR child by leaving him and taking your child out of a bad environment. i get it.
in my case....it is all up in the air right now...since he is doing what he needs to do. but it is early...8 months...and that is nothing in my book.
I completely understand the need to stay and see it through to the end (whichever form that end is going to take) When the WH is doing what he needs to do there is still a chance to R. I would've also kept trying if there was a chance. I know this journey takes immense strength and dedication from both the BS and WS. Good luck! I sincerely hope you make it!
[This message edited by BrokenDaisy at 3:13 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]
There's never a good time to leave when kids are involved.
I divorced my exwh when my son was 6. I can tell you that I wish like hell I'd divorced when my son was younger. Divorce is never easy, but IMHO the impact isn't as severe when they are very young.
"Some of us don't see people how they are but how we need them to be".....quote from Uncertainone