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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: if i didnt have a toddler...i would be gone
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

that is how i feel today...trapped in a way. i have the most beautiful little boy....who worships his daddy. we went through hell and back with fertility treatments to have a baby. it breaks my heart.....

i feel this since of obligation to stay, you know? i mean...we are attempting r...as most of you know my story...but it is just so hard.

i feel like if we didnt have kids, i would have left his ass...yesterday. and he would have been just another man i was serious with...and it "didnt work out." and never talk to him again in life...just be a memory.

like with the man i used to live with for several years before i met my husband. "it didnt work out." it was a painful breakup...but after 4-5 months...i was dating again...and moved on. no hard feelings about anything...wished him the best...still do in fact....but knew that he wasnt for me. 6 months after that break up, i met my husband.

but, now it is not so easy to just dump him. i look at the 2 of them playing horsey, or airplane...or my h reading to him all the time...and completely in love with this little boy...and it breaks my heart...

so hard to leave now that he is doing an honest attempt at r.

it is all about keeping the family together....now if only i could just forgive him for being such a monster........


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bi

Posts: 916 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Sri624))) I feel the same way! I wish I had not forgiven him the first time because now we went on to have this innocent child who adores his father. I cannot regret having my child of course, and don't want him to lead a split life, he is thriving with both parents in the house. I feel like I owe it to him to fight for my marriage. WH says he agrees but he's still foggy cause his efforts are not where they should be. Some might say children aren't a reason to stay but I think they are a reason to FIGHT tooth and nail, even when you don't want to.

Wishing you the best!


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
Hasn't moved out yet
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 930 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:31 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you, sri62.

Having a toddler in the mix absolutely changes the landscape. Of course, kids of any age, pets, finances.... there are lots of other case scenarios, but I relate to yours intimately.

I don't know that I would have just cut and run, but I thought about it from time to time and felt like DD was the only thing tethering me to the situation.

There comes times where you have to say "I'm doing the best I can under the circumstances." The fact is, your sweet son is here and this is the way things are shaped for the moment. If you need to get out with your son, that's ok. If you want to keep trying, that's ok too.

We have our kids, they love their dads. It is what it is, and you're doing your best.

Sending big hugs.


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16254 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Knowing
♀ Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is the type of thing you should tell him. Especially considering you've had more than 1 DDay. He probably needs a good old reality check.

I am 10 months from DDay and occasionally still contemplate separation, and told my fWH as much. You may need to prepare yourself a little bit, say it when you're calm not in the heat of anger.


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 697 | Registered: Oct 2012
Betrayed07
♀ New Member
Member # 39650
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad to see this post b/c I've read so many others that say "don't stay for the kids". I completely agree with careerlady - kids are a reason to fight for the marriage and try to reconcile as hard as it may be. I have 2 kids, 6 and 3, who adore their Daddy. Breaks my heart, too, imagining our family being split apart.

I read an article yesterday about feeling "weak" by not leaving. The author stated just the opposite. We are STRONG for staying and fighting and trying to work this out. If things don't work out in the end, at least we know we tried, right?

Best of luck to you all. Thanks again for posting.


Posts: 41 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
meplusfour
♀ Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the early stages, I often thought that it would be easier to leave if I dd not have my children. I brought this up in an early session of IC, and my therapist asked me if fWh was a good father. I replied that he was. She said that for now, it was okay to stay for the sake of our family and the children while I figured whether the M was worth saving. However, if in six months past dday, the only reason to stay was for the children and there was nothing else, a change may be needed. FWh has been doing all of the things needed to R (complete transparency, reading, IC) and actually seems more relaxed and less stressed than in years.

Give yourself time to figure things out. On rough days, I just commit to keeping things together for the day and find a few moments for myself to do something I enjoy.

Sending you good thoughts

[This message edited by meplusfour at 3:17 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)]


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 349 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
undonelife
♀ Member
Member # 38421
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im staying for kids. I have 2 teenagers. My kids still need their dad -- what little bit he can give, they need it. He hasnt been a great father since they starting walking, but he is their father and does contribute. There's never a good time to leave when kids are involved. I was a child of divorce and even 35 years out it still affects my personal life because my parents wont even be in the same room together. I dont want my kids to experience that.
Also, Ive been married to him 28 years. I've invested a lot of time and energy into our relationship. I helped put him thru college and Ill be damned if someone else is gonna benefit from my sacrifices. I too hope I can learn to forgive him for being an absolute monster and arse!


Me: BS 53 Him: WH 51
M: 28 years
DDay 11/25/12 TT 9/9/13
OW:20 yrs younger McOW
Kids: 2 teens

Posts: 182 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Dark Hell
TXwifemom
♀ Member
Member # 37945
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As I've said before, I love my kids more than I hate him.

Boy do I get it! Mine are 2 and 4


Posts: 231 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: texas
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it is almost like i feel like i am being selfish for not giving r a shot...because of my little boy. i mean, what did he do? and his daddy loves him and treats him so well..they literally are bestfriends. i feel like it is selfish of me to leave under these circmstances..especially with my h trying so hard.

it also makes me wonder seriously...how many BSs REALLY dump their spouses when kids are involved, and with a remorseful husband. when i go down to the divorce and separation forum...and i am in there reading a lot (just in case)....i see that most of the situations involve an unremorseful, serial cheating spouse, who either ran off with ap...or who shows no signs of improving the m.

i havent seen many on this site or in real life....who dump them when the wayward is doing everything right. VERY few. that gives me some encouragement at least that maybe..."staying for the kids"....is the right decision. at least for now.

but it definitely is like eating a shit sandwich.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bi

Posts: 916 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
BrokenDaisy
♀ Member
Member # 37063
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also have a little boy and we also underwent many fertility treatments to conceive him (I fell pregnant with our 4th IVF attempt)

I tried very vey hard to make things work for the sake of our son. I really didn't want him to come from a broken home. The thing is after lots of IC (both StbxWH and I go to IC) and MC I realized that staying is doing more damage than good to our son. Yes an intact home is important but not the only way to raise healthy and well adjusted children. It has been hard for me to accept and I feel immense guilt but after seeing a child psychologist several times I am convinced that it is healthier for my son (and I) that I separate from his father. He is as good a dad as he can be and does his best but children learn from the underlying things too, they are very attuned. My WH learned his ways from his father even though outwardly his father did everything "right". His father was a serial cheater and see all women as objects... That inbedded in WH even though he wasn't aware of everything. I don't want my son to learn that from his dad too. He will know his daddy but I am trying to make sure my son is exposed to the good and not the bad parts of his father

(I also read up on sex addicts and the effects on children as well as NPD's it is scary. I don't want that constant influence on my son)

Either way: R or D you have to co-parent and work together. Either is very hard. I don't regret the 16 months of MC we did because we have a good basis to co-parent from now. I can also someday look in my sons eyes and honestly say I tried everything to R but it was not meant to be. I have made peace that D is the best for us although It is still emotional hell. I grew up with stbxwh, he's been my best friend my whole life... It's incredibly hard.

Sorry if this post isn't helpful or inappropriate? You're post and words are so familiar to me (I could've posted that a few months ago!) I just wanted to point out that there is someone who has decided to divorce despite stbxwh going to IC etc because I have come to the realization that he just is not capable of certain emotions or abilities no matter what and how much he wants to be or I want him to be. It is a dealbreaker for me because it will do more harm to my son as a constant influence than a divorce will. I certainly dont advocate D though. I still would be fighting for R if wh was capable of being a healthy constant influence but he just isn't. It's so very hard not to feel like a failure for not R but we each do our best. My journey is far from over but what I do know is that my son will always come first for me (so I totally get staying for the kids!!) and I will make damn sure he has all the love he needs. He is my everything and I'd do anything for him. His best interest is my first concern and I believe I am following what would be best for him. I unfortunately also know the damage a dad can do that is not healthy and I won't let my son live that.

Hang in there and good luck. I hope you find peace whatever path you continue on. I do think it is important to at least give it ones best shot to R when you have children. I have immense respect and awe for those that actually manage full R. I wish my wh was capable of it. This is not what I wanted for my son. Not at all but I will make the best of it!


Me BxW, him SA NPD WxH
1 wonderful toddler - sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
DDay 01/2012
10/2013 Divorced!!

Posts: 238 | Registered: Oct 2012
fourever
♀ Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's really OK if this was your deal breaker. This is HARD!! Only you can answer your question.

Kids can and do very well with two loving parents, who love them, but not necessarily each other, and live apart. I feel like I was better off being raised this way, than my parents staying together.
Just some food for thought. But, you are right, it is a S**T sandwich! On the best of days!


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 873 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
Gottagetthrough
Member
Member # 27325
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes txwife!!!! I love my kids more than I dislike him!!!

And I do like wh... Will I stay with him forever? Who knows? Once the kids are out of babyhood... Maybe in college... It all depends on how wh acts these next few years.

For NOW I stay BC of the kids. I have told him this.


Posts: 1332 | Registered: Jan 2010
Lethealbegin
♀ Member
Member # 32826
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the same way!! I would of been gone if their were no children involved. Which really sucks because I feel trapped into trying when it would be easier to walk away. It is not fair what they have done to us. Put us in a very bad place. I hate him for it. We will see if I make it. Need to get into MC again and give it a final try! Sorry y'all are going through this!!! Hugs


BS me
WS him
OW my former friend and neighbor
Dday 1 2/20/11
Dday 2 3/08/11
Two little ones
Married 19 years
Together 26 years

Posts: 146 | Registered: Jul 2011
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gosh...i really respect people who make the tough decision to leave....especially when the wayward is just not doing the right things.

daisy....i understand completely. i know i would have done the same thing. i applaud you for thinking of YOUR child by leaving him and taking your child out of a bad environment. i get it.

in my case....it is all up in the air right now...since he is doing what he needs to do. but it is early...8 months...and that is nothing in my book.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bi

Posts: 916 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
BrokenDaisy
♀ Member
Member # 37063
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh I didn't mean at all you should do what I am doing. Sorry if it came across that way. I don't know your WH or if he is anything like mine. Your post just resonated with me (most likely due to the mention of infertility and also having a young son) so I shared my story.

I completely understand the need to stay and see it through to the end (whichever form that end is going to take) When the WH is doing what he needs to do there is still a chance to R. I would've also kept trying if there was a chance. I know this journey takes immense strength and dedication from both the BS and WS. Good luck! I sincerely hope you make it!

[This message edited by BrokenDaisy at 3:13 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]


Me BxW, him SA NPD WxH
1 wonderful toddler - sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
DDay 01/2012
10/2013 Divorced!!

Posts: 238 | Registered: Oct 2012
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's never a good time to leave when kids are involved.

I divorced my exwh when my son was 6. I can tell you that I wish like hell I'd divorced when my son was younger. Divorce is never easy, but IMHO the impact isn't as severe when they are very young.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13637 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Topic Posts: 16

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