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User Topic: How do I Win My Husband Back?
EtTuBrute
♀ New Member
Member # 39792
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As part of R, I asked my husband last night what he had communicated to his AP when he broke NC. He told her that he had a great time with her, that he was happy she was his friend, and that she was the love of his life. I wasn't surprised by any of those statements, but does our marriage even have a chance if he thinks she's the love of his life? He was very hesitant in telling me, and once he revealed it, he said, "Knowing you, here come the divorce papers."

During our marriage, he had been carrying on secret conversations, and rekindling his relationship with his first love. After his divorce from his first wife, he and this OW attempted to have a long term relationship. They broke up, and he met and married me.

He seemed to be in love with me, and I remember how his eyes twinkled when we said our vows during our civil service. We've been married almost 10 years. I discovered the affair on our 9th wedding anniversary.

Before revealing the LOML thing, my husband said the affair is over, and he is ready to recommit. He says he has not recontacted her. As part of helping me heal he has said, "I love you, and I'm sorry for causing you this pain." It was part of an article I gave him on reconciliation. I feel as though he loves me, but he's not in love with me, although he did not say that.

In time, will his feelings for her dissipate? Will he be able to reignite the love he had for me?

I want to be positive and fun and attractive. The trauma creeps back in for me, and I end up crying. I know there's only so much he can take of my reverting back to my traumatized state.

I feel as though my husband has been brainwashed by the affair, and I know from experience that feelings change over time, after all he went from loving me to loving her.


BW 41 WH 47 LTA/LD: EA 9 yrs / PA 14 days; 4 Kids: 7,5,2,2 OW: XGF 45 DDAY: 10-8-12 Broke NC 4 times, no known OW response.Began R 7/19/13
If you can't spot the sucker in the first half hour at the table, then you ARE the sucker. - Rounders

Posts: 32 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: United States
hardtimesinlife
♀ Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like your H is still in the fog. It also sounds like he wants what he can't have (long distance ex AP, break-up then make-up).

Someone who knows more than I will be along soon. I just wonder how you are holding up with him being so disrespectful? You have four kids with this man. It's time for him to man-up, in my opinion.

Hugs to you, sweetie.


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 6102 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
MartlArts
♀ Member
Member # 36130
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(EtTu). So very sorry for your pain. I know it seems counterintuitive, but doing the "please love me" dance and being needy is not likely to bring his heart back to you.

The hard truth is, we can't force anyone to feel the way we wish they would. Please read up on material in the Healing Library. Try to do the 180 and detach - for your sake. Do things that YOU love, that make YOU happy. Sometimes the 180 does have the effect of causing the wayward spouse to wake up and realize what they risked. No guarantees, but either way the 180 results in you being a stronger happier person.
((((Hugs to you))))


excerpt from an awesome quote "Forgiveness - the finishing of old business that allows us to experience the present, free of contamination from the past."

Posts: 986 | Registered: Jul 2012
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sweatheart,

I read your pain. I know you're grief-stricken and frightened, and I wish some SIers could just materialize in front of you and provide IRL support.

But he's the guy who did the damage - why isn't some of the fear you fel directed at him? Why aren't you scared of him? Why would you want to win back a guy who cheated on you and told ow she was LOHL while ending the A?

You're stronger and way more attractive than you think. The way to be positive and fun and attractive is to be real. Now is a time of pain, so feel your pain and let it go. If your H can't help you now, you simply don't need him.

He did the damage. He abandoned you. Let him win you back.

Have you read the Healing Library? Check it out - link's in yellow box, upper left of SI pages. You might want to read about the 180.

Being honest is critical to R, and your H's honesty is a point in his favor. It might be a step out of his A fantasy/fog. But if he doesn't realize pretty quick that his A is fantasy and that an ow is a very thin reed to depend on in the future, cut him loose - you deserve better than he's giving.

But first, look inside. See and enjoy your strengths and attractiveness. Be the real you. If he doesn't jump at the chance of R, he's not worth your time or effort.

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:37 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10089 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
HFSSC
♀ Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very gently, you most likely can't "win" him back.

And to be quite honest, why would you want to, in the current circumstances. He should be trying to win you back. You are the prize. You are not a competitor.

And I would tell him exactly that. If you haven't seen it already, go to the Healing Library in the yellow box at the top left of this page. Read about the 180. It might not be time for the 180, but there are some aspects that would be good for you to understand.

Your H needs to hear from you that there is no room for three people in a M, and you are not going to be in this M if there are more than 2 people. And you need to be ready to detach, walk away if he cannot commit to you that there will only be the 2 of you in this.

Is he saying that he still feels this OW was the Love Of His Life? (What utter BS that shit is, anyway) Or is he telling you that's what he told her. Because if he still feels that way, I'd have a VERY hard time committing to R.

When I found out JM had been repeatedly breaking NC, I reached a point of just not caring anymore what he did, as long as he just quit hurting me. And it SCARED him crapless. What he had to learn, and what your H will have to, if you are going to be able to R, is that mental NC is as important as physical NC. Because the mental NC is broken long before the physical or verbal. I heard someone on the radio just after our final dday discussing A's, and he made the statement, "The only way to stop a chemical reaction is to remove one of the ingredients." His point was that of course there is chemistry between APs... that's the definition/reason for an A. And the only way to stop the reaction is to completely remove the AP from your life, your mind, your heart. When those thoughts/memories of old loves or APs float through our brains, we can let them go, or we can indulge them, nurture them, hold onto them. Thoughts allowed to grow become actions.

Are you in MC? Either of you in IC? Because this needs to be dealt with, and you should be telling him your requirements for R.

I want to say this again so you really hear it. You are not a competitor. You are the prize. Make him win you back.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2735 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He did the damage. He abandoned you. Let him win you back.

This.

((HUGS))


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6735 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
PeaceLove187
♀ Member
Member # 33559
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, you shouldn't be winning him back--he should be winning you back. You are absolutely not going to be fun until you feel safe again and from what you've told us then you have no reason to feel safe.

Neither you nor he can change what he told her on parting but how does he really feel now? Was that said to pacify her and make him look like the good guy or does he really feel she is the love of his life? Even if he does, it's common to be deep in the fog in the beginning and he may feel differently in a few months when he gets his head out of his ass.

The bigger quesion is why did he feel justified looking outside the marriage? What is so broken inside him that he feels the need for more validation and a constant influx of "new romance" hormones? He doesn't deserve you until he does the hard work to fix his head. Honestly, his comment, "Knowing you, here come the divorce papers" shows he's a long way from taking responsiblity for his actions.

The question isn't who does he love, but is he capable of love? Anyone can have stars in their eyes at the beginning of a romance but only a real man can stay committed after real life kicks romance's butt.


BW--Me, 57
FWH--Him, 59
Married 35 years
Empty Nesters

Posts: 638 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
ArableSands
♂ Member
Member # 39830
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He told her that he had a great time with her, that he was happy she was his friend, and that she was the love of his life.

Your husband is a coward and an ass. I'd say that directly to his face.

He was very hesitant in telling me, and once he revealed it, he said, "Knowing you, here come the divorce papers."

He's worse than an ass. He's a fucking douchecake that deserves to have his butt kicked. "Knowing you" ?? What the FUCK is that supposed to mean? ANYONE would slap his face red with divorce papers after the steaming pile of crap he put you through.

I wasn't surprised by any of those statements, but does our marriage even have a chance if he thinks she's the love of his life?

My dear, I wish I could tell you otherwise, but I think the answer is no. He doesn't deserve you, and you don't deserve to be tortured by this disgusting poltroon.


Posts: 224 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Vancouver, Canada
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The question isn't who does he love, but is he capable of love? Anyone can have stars in their eyes at the beginning of a romance but only a real man can stay committed after real life kicks romance's butt.
AMEN!


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7056 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


He told her that he had a great time with her, that he was happy she was his friend, and that she was the love of his life.
Your husband is a coward and an ass. I'd say that directly to his face.

He was very hesitant in telling me, and once he revealed it, he said, "Knowing you, here come the divorce papers."
He's worse than an ass. He's a fucking douchecake that deserves to have his butt kicked. "Knowing you" ?? What the FUCK is that supposed to mean? ANYONE would slap his face red with divorce papers after the steaming pile of crap he put you through.

arable nailed it.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7056 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
EtTuBrute
♀ New Member
Member # 39792
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did find:

http://www.beyondaffairs.com/articles/What_Happens_if_CheatingSpouse_still_loves_OW.htm

which seemed to support the affair fog concept. The final NC, I suppose he wrote her an e-mail that I did not see, probably had that LOML comment in it.

He has said he has no plans of leaving to be with her. Here's some parts of conversations we've had:

After 2nd break of NC,
Me: Is the plan now to divorce me and marry her?
Him: No.
Me: Am I married to someone who does not want to be married to me?
Him: No.


Recently,
Me: Are you ready to recommit?
Him: uh-huh
Me: So it's over? (the affair)
Him: Yeah.


We are not in any counseling yet. I'm on the fence with it, because I worry it will make things worse if we get a bad one.


BW 41 WH 47 LTA/LD: EA 9 yrs / PA 14 days; 4 Kids: 7,5,2,2 OW: XGF 45 DDAY: 10-8-12 Broke NC 4 times, no known OW response.Began R 7/19/13
If you can't spot the sucker in the first half hour at the table, then you ARE the sucker. - Rounders

Posts: 32 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: United States
Runninggirl
♀ Member
Member # 9973
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder how many of these "first loves" who pop in and F up our world would be so appealing to our spouse if WS had to deal with them day in and day out for Drs appointments, bills, mortgage, child births and so on.
Let's see how long the "sparkly eyes" would last.

If you view things as WINNING HIM
BACK with his foggy idea of who this "First love" was decade(s) ago there is no way. What grown woman can compete with a carefree girl with no stretchmarks, no bills, no children..
(In HIS foggy ass mind)
Reality is she is probably not much
different from what he is "escaping".

Just be the very amazing kickass grown
woman that you are!! Don't try to regain HIS interest beyond a reasonable amount.

Carry on with making yourself happy (the best you can) For some reason as soon as we put ourselves in position of winning them back, they do the exact opposite.


Shock has worn off. Now the 'fun' begins.
After several years of solid R, (F)MOW
CHECKS IN in to say Hi~ H CHECKS OUT briefly and "forgets to tell me" because IT HADN'T gotten
physical this time. 4 months out again same MOW

Posts: 2852 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: The Valley
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Other members have posted better then I could.

I just wanted to reinforce that the FOG is a dreadful time...I should have detached more from my wife at that point...but you live and you learn.

Much harm is done during the fog phase...your husband is very likely to be in the throws of the fog.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3671 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
EtTuBrute
♀ New Member
Member # 39792
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for all the responses.

I spoke with my husband this morning about his NC being broken. I asked if she responded to him or contacted him. He said, "no." I have no evidence to the contrary. I see it as a positive sign that she has gone cold turkey, but I don't like the fact that my husband continued to contact her. From what I've read from other posts it's not unusual.


BW 41 WH 47 LTA/LD: EA 9 yrs / PA 14 days; 4 Kids: 7,5,2,2 OW: XGF 45 DDAY: 10-8-12 Broke NC 4 times, no known OW response.Began R 7/19/13
If you can't spot the sucker in the first half hour at the table, then you ARE the sucker. - Rounders

Posts: 32 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 14

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