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User Topic: need an honest opinion: am i coward?
freshstart78
♀ New Member
Member # 39556
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not a coward! !!!! I wish I would have done this when I found out......instead of chasing and begging. Keep moving forward. He is the one that needs to prove to you that he wants to change. If you don't see remorse from him and he does not make himself an open book to you, don't waste your time. It will only make it harder for yourself. So proud of you!!!!!


Don't be afraid to start over. Its a new chance to rebuild what you want! D-day 8-05-2011. Me/BW-41. Him/WH-41.

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2013
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Previous poster wrote: If you don't see remorse from him and he does not make himself an open book to you, don't waste your time.

Frankie's plan:

I plan to call him, confront him, see if he'll admit to it, and then move out while he's away

Cheater's lie, and it's gonna be knee-jerk to lie over the *phone*. She'll never see the "deer in the headlights" stunned look.

Many say closure doesn't exist, but there's something to be said for face to face confrontation. See HeartInADustpan's post yesterday:

Then, I poured it all onto my WH. The contents of every box in my head. It hurt and was the hardest thing I ever did. I saw the pain in his eyes as I pointed out every instance, every detail, every way I "knew" what was going on but was in denial to myself. I made a point to clearly expose every way he tried vilifying me and who was the real 'bad guy'. I could see he understood it was all him projecting on me.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=501863

Not everybody gets to *see* remorse or *feel* closure. But isn't that why most of us came to SI?

ETA: To clarify: I don't expect Frankie's WH to be truthful nor do I expect him to be remorseful if/when she confronts him. But, IMHO, face to face is always better than an endless series of emails, texting and Facebook stalking. Always!

Have your bags and boxes packed, say your well-rehearsed last words to the lying cheating bastard, then walk out the door with your head held high ... and never look back.

[This message edited by ladies_first at 10:49 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)]


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While he's there I plan to call him, confront him, see if he'll admit to it, and then move out while he's away

Great plan. Just skip this part. ALL Waywards lie and/or minimize initially. ALL. Why go there? He will just piss you off. Or worse, he might try to gaslight or blameshift. Then you'll get sucked into justifying yourself. Just don't go there.

I think the idea of him unknowingly coming home to you gone will get the most shock and awe out of him. How he behaves after that will be the most telling.

Also, for most of us BS, our WS had the upper hand on Dday. They could stay calmer because they knew about and were already used to the A.

If you move out without giving your WH any notice, you will have the upper hand. He will get to feel the same shock you did when you discovered his A. If you call to confront, he will already know to expect an empty house. No shock and awe.

ETA: skip calling and confronting. DO move out.

[This message edited by Jospehine85 at 10:46 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)]


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 829 | Registered: Jun 2012
OldCow18
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Josephine is right. The first thing many of these LIARS do when confronted is continue to lie and defend and act like a cornered animal, which is exactly what they are. It took WH quite some time to get out of that lying fog and realize the party was OVER.

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 11:33 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)]


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No shock and awe.

Shock and Awe lasts a day, tops, then you're in for weeks and months of Anger. Don't forget the tit-for-tat escalation of revenge and (when she has him served) rage.

Humans are visual creatures ... when we don't have "answers" we often create the worst (worst, not best) case scenarios in our minds. That's where lifelong Mind Movies and Triggers fuck us up long after that awesome moment of "shock and awe."

[This message edited by ladies_first at 11:36 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)]


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No I don't think your a coward. I'm an avoider, hate confrontation too. I wish to God I would have done what your doing 4yrs ago. I think its a good plan but I agree with other poster on confronting by phone to see if he lies. He's going to lie...may as well just proceed to the next step and take this one out. Good luck!!!


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4877 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
frankiebaby
♀ New Member
Member # 39602
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree there's a serious passive-aggressive aspect to it. Not good.

What would you do if you were fine with confrontation?

Probably the same exact thing. My issue here is that I don't want him begging me or trying to talk me into staying. I not only hate confrontation but tend to be easily persuaded to "do the right thing," for others regardless of how I feel about it. Codependent? Perhaps.

The way I feel right now, I just want to be away from him and I guess that's what is prompting me to run in this matter rather than talking it out face to face. I just want a completely fresh start.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Jun 2013
hotcoffee
♂ Member
Member # 39700
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know yourself. You are sure you want out and sure you don't want to be persuaded otherwise. I think your plan will give you the result you want. Don't communicate with him until you are out and safe. Courage!

Posts: 59 | Registered: Jun 2013
circlingthedrain
♂ Member
Member # 25733
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not a coward at all. very brave from where I sit.

Who's name is on the lease/mortgage. I would consult with an attorney before moving out to make sure you will be protected if not there.


BH (me), 53
FWW (Her) 55
DD18, DS15
D-Day 12/23/2007
R going well

Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then --- Bob Seger


Posts: 324 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: East Coast
struggling3
♀ Member
Member # 34671
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not cowardly at all. I give you big props for being able to not confront and attack about this...knowing what you know. Listen to all of the people here. If I was married less than a year like you, knowing what I know now, I would be gone in a heartbeat. Good luck. You deserve better.


Me - BS 55
H - WS 57/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 28, 25, 22
D-Day 8-5-11
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic

Posts: 304 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
Reality
♀ Member
Member # 39077
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Frankie. I'm so glad you posted. I've been thinking about your original post since you wrote it.

Frankly, about your plan? Do it, do it, do it!

Your situation has factors - you being alone in a foreign country, him giving you the full court press courtship, you being sheltered and him monopolizing on that - that make your plan not only BRAVE, but SMART.

Don't feel bad that you aren't approaching this with a sword and shield. It wouldn't work on him. I don't think you've gotten three consecutive honest words out of him since you met him.

Please be safe. I would definitely handle this from a far distance and be safely away when he got back.

I also like the idea of NOT telling him how you know, only that you do and let him scramble around and try to figure out where the "leak" was.


Posts: 292 | Registered: Apr 2013
julesinpain
♀ Member
Member # 36746
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not a coward! I think you're brave for not telling him and just leaving with all the proof behind!! Leaving your ring will be a huge statement!! He didn't tell you he had a girlfriend on the side! Why should you tell him you are leaving?

I wish I would have been able to do it this way! I confronted way to soon and got so many lies!! I felt like I was crazy!! I also have 4 kids and no way I could have just left! But I really think it would have woken him from the fog so much earlier then it did, had I done it your way! Mine ended up cheating with her again, and then TT'd me to death!

Although he is finally out of the fog now, it only happened when I told him I was done and put my bitch boots on!!

You are starting with your bitch boots on!! So wish I had pulled mine up sooner!

Sorry you are here in the first place! I am glad you found this site sooner then I had! The people here have given me strength and helped me feel sain again and move forward for me and my marriage!


Me 44
WH 46
DDay 1 8/22/08
DDay 2 9/22/10
DDay 3 12/22/10 same OW each time. (so called friend)
To many TT's to count, last one Jan. 2013 ugh!
Married 21 years, together 23
4 amazing children, 2DS 2DD
Working on it!

Posts: 152 | Registered: Sep 2012
staying hopefull
♀ Member
Member # 5748
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

no! You are not a coward at all! That is brave! Very brave!!
I would have done the same thing if it were not for my DD. I didn't just stay for my kids...but they were a big reason for me working it out. If I were childless at the time...I believe I would have done the same thing.
Best wishes to you OP!


Me - BS (40) FWH (43)
Two children
Together 20 years, married 15 years
Reconcilied for 9 years!

Posts: 1031 | Registered: Nov 2004
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't see you as a coward at all. But, like a couple of others have said don't bother calling just move out.

If he cares enough he will call you and tell you he is ready to talk and tell you the truth this time. If he doesn't you are all ready on your way to a 180. I am proud of you.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Frankie, put yourself in his shoes for a minute:

You pursue your friends' sheltered daughter for two years (often from afar) and finally wear her down and she marries you. You admit to having a womanizing "sinful" past and yet bemoan the one the got away. You then move your new bride into an apt that is still strewn with your exes keepsakes.

Six weeks later you have an affair while out of the country. Your good wife conveniently stayed home to conserve money - She doesn't know you funnel money to two OW and chat up a bunch of others... In fact you brag that she won't find out because she "respects your privacy".

Who is this guy? Does he love like a normal person? Is he acquainted with compassion or empathy? He cavalierly flirts with women on line but he is a minister!!? Is it all an act? Are we talking NPD, or run of the mill sociopath?

Nothing in this scenario is normal, or mentally sound.

Whatever you do - please be very careful! What you know could ruin his career -- and I think that will be his biggest concern!

If you haven't preserved copies of all that evidence do it now - if for no other reason than to share with your parents, so they know the truth.

Hugs and prayers!


Sheep run from wolves. It isn't cowardly - it is survival.


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Ladyogilvy
♀ Member
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember your story and you are not being a coward, you are doing 100% the right thing. It is not cowardly, passive aggressive, etc.. It is the safest way, physically and emotionally, to get away from this sociopath. I would not tell him you are leaving and give him time to think about what to do before he gets home and realizes you've left. Go ahead and call him and tell him you know but don't tell him how you know. That way, he knows why you left so there's no reason for him to contact you and ask why. There's no unfinished business. He'll spend his time coming home thinking about how to do damage control, how to convince you think you've misunderstood or are over reacting or that he will change for you. He thought he married an easy target who he could make into his victim and get away with it. He misjudged you. He will move on to find another victim. You will move onto a much better life, a little wiser for the experience but knowing you will not tolerate abuse. Men look for victims they can abuse... You are not one of them. You have higher expectations. The men in your future will meet those expectations because it's what you expect from them and you won't accept less. This is you taking control and creating the life you want and deserve, not becoming a victim of circumstances.

[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 6:43 PM, July 21st (Sunday)]


Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1512 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
Athena1979
♀ Member
Member # 39393
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not a coward.

I thought the same thing.

Please be prepared: he will lie, deny and then blame you.

He will put you on an emotional roller coaster.

Everyday, I have to keep telling myself, what he did was wrong. It was NOT my fault. I will NOT accept that.

And then i read and re-read the texts back and forth from him and the prostitutes, to remind myself of who he really is, whenever he starts getting all sweet on me.

Good luck to you!


Married 11/11/11
Together since 3/2005
2 kids
D-day 12/27/12
D-day 4/12/13
D-day 6/26/13
God keeps the devil on a short leash. God will never give you more than you can handle.

Posts: 111 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Athena1979
Wonderingwhy11
♀ Member
Member # 34782
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Frankiebaby - You are not a coward. I did the same thing. I suspected my
WH was having an A. Every time I asked if there was someone else he told me there wasn't and would start talking about our future and he was going to be a better husband. A month later I could not take the lies and confronted him in our driveway. I told him tell the truth or get back in the car and leave. He chose to leave. Four months later I found a text - at last proof he could not deny.
I have been struggling with the lies for two years. I am not sure I will get over the extent of the lies and his willingness to leave rather than tell the truth.

To leave while he is gone does not make you a coward. He is the coward. Not you.


Me BW - 46
Him WH - 53
Together 23 yrs, Married 18
DDay August 2011
2 kids - 13 and 15

Gotta love the life that we livin'


Posts: 376 | Registered: Feb 2012
Crushed1
♀ Member
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you 'want out' and this is a dealbreaker for you there is nothing wrong with you packing up and leaving without informing him. I'm sure he didn't inform you when he was cheating. Good luck with your decision.


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9689 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 39
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