Thank you all for your posts, comfort and permission.
Confused, I don't feel calm, not on the inside. I feel that topsy turvy feeling, that disequalibrium.
Freddy is really living in the moment just now. Has a temporary prmotion at work, we agreed together that he should take. It has been a shot in the arm for his esteem. He has been feeling very low for a few months while deliberatly peeling back the layers of who he is, what in him allowed him / compelled him to blow up is world.
He got so low, that MC and I both agreed to allow that work to continue, and take the foot off in terms of direct A work.
Freddy has put his self journey on hold while working up a level.
Apart from the obvious anniversary issues, looming dates etc, I think I find a security in him actively pursuing answers and self discovery.
I feel very anxious when he "gets on with normal" I guess it is about trust. Because I watch him get caught up in the ego games and false 'strokes' of his work environment. And it is my thought that in the culture of ego he really seperated from his true self, his concience and integrity- that was the backdrop to his affair.
Ahhh. It makes me feel cruel that I feel better when he is surrendering to work of 'self' and feeling the pain of peeliing back ego and feel worse when he is 'enjoying' the harvest of his vocation.
Last night in a work related conversation he was mentioning a relationship with a stakeholder organisation. I mentioned how this was a contributor / symptom of the early affair. He denied it and and was hurt that I would link his professionalism to his infidelity. (They were fundamentally linked). It makes me even more fearful that he is allowing himself to compartmentalise and forget all the steps that led him to betray himself and us.
and I will not be his "gods police" I will not be his morality or judgement of integrity any more.
It has to come from within him.
The waiting for him to action the faith I have put in him is painful. It is my lesson this, my burden - to not fix it, not control it, but to assess if the marriage honours who I am.
Calm ... if you find some could you send it on over?
I have a temper, quick to fuse I am afraid and I need to allow hurt and fear to be expressed differently. So far (this time) so good.
thank you all for being there. I welcome any thoughts and challenges that might stop my head spinning.
bless you all