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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Needing advice about moving on after an affair
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my first time posting here, and I'm turning here because I don't feel like I have anywhere else to turn. My friends don't understand why I'm still talking to my guy after he cheated, and I've noticed that I've slowly withdrawn from everyone in my life. I'm looking for stories of hope, and how to cope with all my feelings.

My boyfriend and I dated for 11 months, and we were looking for engagement rings. I can't describe how perfect he was, or how much in love I was. We are both 28 years old, and he was so much better and different than any of my exes. One of the reasons I loved him so much was that he had conservative relationship values. He didn't believe in having opposite sex friends, and he even thought that watching porn was wrong because it was being unfaithful to your partner in your mind.

We weren't having any problems that I was aware of. Two days after Christmas, he broke up with me. The reason given was that he was depressed, and needed time alone. For the next 3 months, he went back and forth on whether he wanted to get back together. It was very painful, and during that time I did not date anyone else. Finally, in late March, he said that he wanted to get back together. We did, and it was great for 2 weeks. Then he got a cold sore for the first time in his life, and I asked whether he had been with anyone else while we were apart. He swore that he had not, and then said that he felt uncomfortable seeing me while he had the cold sore. We went three weeks without seeing each other at all. After the sore healed, we spent a great weekend together. On Monday morning, I tried to have sex with him after getting out of the shower.

While I was wrapped in a towel, he confessed that he had sex with a coworker during our breakup and once after we got back together. The coworker was always someone that I had been jealous about during the relationship. I kept asking questions over and over, and a week later he admitted that he had also had sex with her on Christmas day and 3 times after we got back together. After more questions from me, he also admitted that he had a one night stand with a girl the prior April (3 months after we started dating) while he was out of the country.

I'm not sure why the affair with the coworker ended. What he's told me is that she started threatening to tell me the truth, and he kept having sex with her after we got back together to keep her quiet. He said that the last time he saw her, he led her to believe that he would see her again. He swears to me that he never planned on seeing her again though. While he was at my house, she went to his house and his dad's house to find him. His dad told her that he was with me, and allegedly she went to the police station and filed stalking charges against him out of revenge. I don't know if I believe that or not. I know that she started dating someone else 2 weeks later, so I'm wondering if she tried to break it off and he actually did stalk her. Regardless, he was arrested and had to go to court. She didn't show up for the trial, so the charges were dropped.

I immediately broke up with him, and started going to individual counseling. He kept calling, and kept sending me emails. I agreed to see him, and we went to couples' counseling. In counseling, we discovered that he uses sex as a barrier to protect himself when he's feeling lonely, scared, or insecure.

It's really been an uphill battle. I wanted to end the relationship for a long time, but still felt feelings for him. I was ashamed that I still loved someone who treated me this way. So I kept seeing him in secret, and didn't admit it to my friends or family.

I've continued my counseling, and recently I've started trying to be nicer to him. I've invited him to be with my friends some. We are officially dating again. He's been very supportive during the whole thing. He never blamed me for what happened, and I think that he's been honest about everything. He started off very defensive, and wouldn't answer questions. But he was open in counseling, and now he answers even the painful questions.

We had a great couple of weeks where I thought I was moving forward. But I've recently been struggling again. For some reason, I never asked him how the first time happened. I asked him this weekend though, and he told me that he was doing inventory with her on Christmas day. They were drinking, and she suggested watching a movie at the office. They were watching the movie for about 15 minutes, and then she kissed him. They had sex on the couch in the office. I asked him if he pulled away at all at first, and he said no. I asked if he thought about me at all, and he said not in the moment when it happened. Hearing this has set me back to when I first found out. How could he be looking for engagement rings with me in November, and do that in December? It just doesn't make sense to me, and it hurts so badly.

He's trying to be patient with my feelings, and he's supportive. But I can tell that it's hard on him too. He said that he constantly worries that I'm going to break up with him, and he misses the security he used to have. I'm trying to be better, and trying to discuss the affair less. But I'm having a hard time. I get sad driving in the car when I'm thinking about it. I cry sometimes at night. And sex is difficult because I picture him with her.

I'm also having a hard time trusting him, even with small things. He told me that he was going out drinking with her for about a month before they had sex, and I never knew about it. He would tell me that he was at his dad's house, while he was really with her. This week he went to his dad's house, and I nearly had a panic attack at home wondering if that's really where he was.

I also struggle with whether the affair would have continued if he hadn't been arrested. What if she insisted on continuing to see him? And why did he tell me the truth... was it because he felt guilty or because of the charges she filed?

So I guess I'm looking for stories of hope. How do I deal with these feelings? How do I trust him again, and how do I move past the hurt of him being with someone else?

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 10:55 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)]


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1045 | Registered: Jul 2013
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't describe how perfect he was, or how much in love I was.

Gently, I do believe you were in love Lonelygirl. But based on your description of his actioins, he wasn't perfect. Not by a long shot.

And I am not sure you were in love with him vs and idealized version of him in your mind.

Your WBF has cheated on you for the majority of your very short relationship. You have even broken up for a portion of that time.

Honey, this guy doesn't want to get married and he is to chicken to tell you that.

We have a saying here: "When someone shows you who they are, believe him".

You need to believe who your boyfriend really is and then decide if that is what you want to spend the rest of your life with. Actually you need to decide if you are willing to devote another year or two to him until he decides to move on to someone else.

Right now, make a point of going out with your friends. Stop withdrawing. And seriously think about moving on. If I were your age, I would in a heartbeat.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 811 | Registered: Jun 2012
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your reply. I guess one of my struggles is whether he is the same person I fell in love with who made a series of bad decisions, or whether I fell in love with whatever image he portrayed to me. I'm not proud to admit this, but I cheated once in a prior relationship with a coworker. Looking back on it now, I know that it was a conscious decision. But at the time, it just sort of happened. I know that I would never cheat again, and I feel ashamed for my prior behavior. I also don't feel like those prior actions define me as a person. So I wonder whether he could be the same way, and just made some bad decisions but he's still the same person I fell in love with?

He does want to get married. He started talking about marriage very early in the relationship, and I'm the one that insisted we date at least a year. When we hit the 11 month mark, he got excited and started looking for rings. Then completely out of the blue he broke up with me. It's been 7 months since then, so I guess in total we've been together 1.5 years. Every time I think of giving up, he tells me how much he wants me to be his wife.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1045 | Registered: Jul 2013
TXwifemom
♀ Member
Member # 37945
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can read all of the sob stories from those of use who screwed up our lives by staying against our better judgment.

What you have here is a cow that just gives bad milk. You've tried it's few times, it's bad. Why do you value yourself so little to buy a bad cow that going to give you a lifetime of bad milk?

You are worth more.


Posts: 231 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: texas
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What you have here is a cow that just gives bad milk. You've tried it's few times, it's bad. Why do you value yourself so little to buy a bad cow that going to give you a lifetime of bad milk?

You are worth more.

This has been the general consensus from my friends. When I started reading stories on this website though, it seemed like people were supportive of reconciliation. I don't understand why me wanting to work out the relationship means that I think little of myself. I was hoping to find support here from other people who made the decision to stay after infidelity.

How do you know that it will always be bad milk? He tells me that he had never cheated before me, and seeing how it affected me, he would never be able to do it again.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1045 | Registered: Jul 2013
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lonelygirl10

We are supportive of R..
But if you are right at the beginning of a relationship as you are.. He showed you WHO he really is..You thought of him as a being of conservative relationship values?? Do you still? Didn't believe in opposite friends, Really so was she just a F buddy??? I am sorry but honey he isn't who you want him to be..
You can't polish a turd and make it a diamond. I am soo sorry you love a turd.. Leave him to the flies...You deserve that diamond.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3185 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But if you are right at the beginning of a relationship as you are.. He showed you WHO he really is..You thought of him as a being of conservative relationship values?? Do you still? Didn't believe in opposite friends, Really so was she just a F buddy??? I am sorry but honey he isn't who you want him to be..

He says that he still has all those same values, but that he made a mistake. He said that he thought he could just be around her as coworkers. Before he cheated, his coworkers would go out drinking together. He said he wasn't attracted to her, and it was always in group settings. The first time they had sex was at his office. And he did break up with me 2 days after it happened the first time, even though he didn't tell me the real reason for the breakup. And then he says that it continued after we got back together because he was scared that she would tell me the truth, so he just kept seeing her.

So I don't know how to view him now. He still says he has conservative views. I sort of tested the boundaries a little after I found out about the affair by creating a new male friendship, and it really bothered him. He said that he wants someone with those same conservative values, because that's how he wants to be again.

How do you know when the person isn't who they're saying they are? Do actions always define a person, or can a person make a mistake?


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1045 | Registered: Jul 2013
doesitgetbetter
♀ Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lonely, the majority of people here that are going to tell you to leave are the ones who would have left if they didn't have other obligations keeping them there when their own DDay happened. You can count me in on that group too. If I didn't have a long history with my H (we were married for 9 years when I found out he'd been cheating), 2 kids, and a lot of life going on, then I wouldn't have stayed either. I deserve better then to have a man who cheats on me as my H.

This man started cheating on you at LEAST just a few months after you started dating, possibly even more times than he's admitted to. You've been with him for 1.5 years, and he's cheated for 1 year of that.... so what part of your relationship is real at all? The first 3 months when it's all love and rainbows is easy, it's when the rubber hits the road and life gets tough when you find out what a persons true character is, and he couldn't even last THAT long.

I heard a story at Church this weekend. A man was climbing a mountain and he came across a snake. The snake was very cold and close to death because he was so weak. The snake said to the man "please, take me down the mountain with you so I can warm up and live". The man said "but you're a snake, you will bite me". The snake replied "I promise you, this once, I will not bite you, please just take me down the mountain". The man thought for a moment and decided to take the snake down the mountain. He coiled the snake up and put it in his shirt to keep him warm. When he got to the base of the mountain he took the snake out and set him on the ground, and the snake immediately coiled up and struck and bit the man. The man said "you promised you wouldn't bite me this one time". The snake replied "you knew what I was when you picked me up".

Wise words to ponder. You now know what your boyfriend is, it's your choice if you are still going to pick him up and expect him to not bite you... yet again.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
hotcoffee
♂ Member
Member # 39700
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lonely, this is a supportive community. And if you try to reconcile, you will get support. Right now you are making a decision IF you should try to reconcile. The responses you are getting are from people who are putting you first. True reconciliation can take years and a lot of work from both the BS and the WS. Please don't interpret the comments from people (who have a lot of experience in how these things play out) as a lack of support. It is advice from objective third parties.

Also, the fact that the reactions you get here match those of your friends tells me much - people who love you and people who don't even know you are reaching some of the same conclusions.


Posts: 59 | Registered: Jun 2013
callmecrazy
♀ Member
Member # 38765
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lonelygirl, first Im sorry you are here. Married or not, it hurts to be betrayed by someone you love and want to be with forever. My first sign my H was not who I thought came very early in the M and ever since I think, why couldnt I have discovered this b4 we got married?

You loved him for his conservative relationship values and him not believing in opposite sex friends. Yet, you discover he cheated very early on and you had questioned this female co-worker before discovering you were in fact right. He talked of conservative relationship values, but I do not see where at any time during your 11 month relationship he possessed these qualities. Also, a ONS is not generally a conservative dating value (especially considering he already was dating you).

It is your choice, but please take note of what you are saying he said about himself and what he has showed about himself. From almost the beginning he was a cheater w low morals. You fell in love with him while he hid half of himself from you. Now his cards are really on the table


Posts: 279 | Registered: Mar 2013
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lonely, this is a supportive community. And if you try to reconcile, you will get support. Right now you are making a decision IF you should try to reconcile. The responses you are getting are from people who are putting you first. True reconciliation can take years and a lot of work from both the BS and the WS. Please don't interpret the comments from people (who have a lot of experience in how these things play out) as a lack of support. It is advice from objective third parties.

Thank you, and I'm sorry if I sounded defensive. I guess I very badly want someone to tell me that there's hope.

Maybe my OP didn't make this clear, but I did make the decision to stick with the relationship and attempt a reconciliation. This decision was made after 4 months and lots of counseling. I'm just having a really hard time dealing with the feelings now that I've made that decision. I always feel sad, and I still have questions. I feel like he's done his best to be supportive, but he feels badly every time I bring it up. I'm trying so hard to focus on the positive and move forward, but I feel stuck.

He was married for four years before he met me, and he was never unfaithful with her. After I discovered his cheating with me, I actually looked up his ex-wife and talked to her about their marriage. She said she never suspected cheating. So I keep hoping that he was just going through a hard time, and made a series of really bad mistakes with me, and that it doesn't define him as a person. Not all WS are bad people, right?


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1045 | Registered: Jul 2013
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH is not a bad person. He is a selfish person with poor coping skills, a desire to avoid conflict, and a willingness to lie to the person he married in order to have a relationship that makes him feel better. The first two have been apparent the entire time we were together, the latter only occurred since his mother died so we are sticking our toes into R. Your BF isn't necessarily a bad person either but you need to decide if you want to be in a relationship with someone who behaves the way he has done thus far.


Me: BS 46
Him: LCB--lying, cheating bastard 50
D-Day 4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 532 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
Markone
♂ Member
Member # 30291
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LG,
I'm only posting here because what you've described, is not reconcilation even though you have committed to that path. There are plenty of success stories at the top of this section of the site and they will help you in moments of doubt (which you will have even during a successful R process). They will also give you insight into what is required to reconcile. It's not for the faint of heart. I'd reiterate what others have said - please be very sure that this man is worthy of you and the effort/time it will take to go through true reconciliation.
I think you also have to ask whether there's enough history (beyond the initial love "high") to know what you are trying to rekindle or improve upon in the relationship with this man. What is HE doing to change? After all, he has lied to you repeatedly - whether he cheats again or not, trying to build a relationship with a dishonest person is near impossible in my book. What is he doing to change that?

You don't have to decide a course of action now, many of us wait and see or get to a stronger place emotionally before committing to a path.

Best wishes and hugs. And yes, if you both commit to true reconciliation, there are plenty of wise people here who will guide you through the ups and downs.


DD 11/28/10
Me (BH)
Her (WS)
Separated and filed (7/13)

Posts: 410 | Registered: Dec 2010
KeepCalm_CarryOn
♀ Member
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lonely, one of the things that gets thrown around here a lot, because most of us find it true, is that recovery takes 2-5 years, so it's not surprising you're still feeling this way after only a few months. You don't have to be positive all the time and you don't have to just move forward, in fact that's called rugsweeping and truly will only create problems in the future. You can't move past it, you need to rebuild from the ground up. This basically has to be a new relationship. Are you willing to do that? More importantly, is he? What happens six months from now when something triggers you?

Curious- you mention OW was a coworkers, is he still working at the same place?


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August


Posts: 1989 | Registered: Sep 2011
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Curious- you mention OW was a coworkers, is he still working at the same place?

No, he's not. He switched employers, and she got a restraining order against him. So I know 100% that there's no contact with her. He said that the restraining order was her revenge.... he had told her that we were broken up, and she got upset when she found out he was still with me.

We did have a problem come up this week with his old employer though. His old boss wants him to do some work for him. I think I've shifted some of my anger onto his old boss for what happened. He's a married man with questionable values. He takes his employees to strip clubs and drinking. After one time of drinking with his boss early in our relationship, my boyfriend told me that a coworker stripped down to her underwear and danced on the table. That's the girl he ended up cheating on me with. He confessed it immediately, and said he wouldn't see her outside the workplace again. And didn't, until I guess 10 months later when he cheated. I don't like his old boss though, because I feel like he encourages bad behavior. So I told my BF that I don't want him associating with this old boss anymore. He got upset initially because he said he can limit it to just work, but then eventually agreed. After thinking about it, I realize that I probably overreacted. Although this boss put him in the bad situation, my BF is the one that made the decision. Is it unreasonable for me to expect him to not see this old boss anymore, or do I just have to trust that he won't put himself in those situations again?


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1045 | Registered: Jul 2013
KeepCalm_CarryOn
♀ Member
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Although this boss put him in the bad situation, my BF is the one that made the decision. Is it unreasonable for me to expect him to not see this old boss anymore, or do I just have to trust that he won't put himself in those situations again?

Another good SI lesson- Friends of the Relationship ONLY! That means people who share your values, people who promote and support the relationship, NO ONE who is destructive. We got rid of half our friends after my FWH's A. Was it fun? No. Was it for the benefit of the M? Yep!!


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August


Posts: 1989 | Registered: Sep 2011
hotcoffee
♂ Member
Member # 39700
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lonely, not all WS are bad people. Broken, damaged, but not bad. Markone's post is so true. Reconciliation is a huge task. And you don't have to make all your decisions today. But please move forwards with your eyes open. And try to put you first.

Posts: 59 | Registered: Jun 2013
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lonely, not all WS are bad people. Broken, damaged, but not bad. Markone's post is so true. Reconciliation is a huge task. And you don't have to make all your decisions today. But please move forwards with your eyes open. And try to put you first.

I know. It seems that everyone's response whenever I tell the story for the first time is immediately that I should leave him. Did the other BS's here get the same reaction from their friends or people on the forum? What makes it worth it to try vs not worth it? Where do you draw that line?


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1045 | Registered: Jul 2013
Markone
♂ Member
Member # 30291
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think there's a good number of us here (myself being one of them) that before the A would have been in the "kick them out" camp. Only when you go through it do you truly understand why many of us go into limbo. Friends and family despite their desire to help may not be in the best position to give you advice. That's why so many of us have found this site to be the only source of real support going through this. The advice you get here (from people wiser than me) is something to consider differently -- we know how you feel, we know how badly you want this to all go away, to resume life from a different jumping off point. We've all been there.

Do as you're doing - collecting different points of view, different pieces of advice but know that in the end, it's your decision and yours onlty regardless of what other people think.


DD 11/28/10
Me (BH)
Her (WS)
Separated and filed (7/13)

Posts: 410 | Registered: Dec 2010
Topic Posts: 19

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