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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Thought.....fullness and lessness
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am passionate and caring...but am also selfish and dense at times. Sometimes I state the obvious as if it is some golden nugget of previously unspoken wisdom.

This may very well be one if those moments....so bear with me.

A tough MC session today. C feels strongly that IC is not where our time and money is best spent. She really wants to stay on this intense weekly MC track we started 3 weeks ago....no IC sessions mixed in.

I have been agreeable but resistant to this as IC is much easier and productive for me...at least that's what I thought.

Today my wife and I left agitated and frustrated...no lunch together afterwards.

I am at one of my small town diners...the heart of my comfort zone!

I ponder what I am to take away from these MC sessions, what I am missing, what I am failing to see and change.

I now believe part of this is the choice of "thought". My wife and I have the choice to be "thoughtful" or "thoughtless" towards each other.

My part of this...due to the pain I am feeling from my wife's decision to have an affair I sometimes choose to be thoughtless towards her. I see that now in the light it really should be in. Are the reasons behind my thoughtless actions any more valid, any more noble then my wife's thoughtless actions with regards to the affair? Do they not both hurt out combined, agreed to goals of unity, intimacy, and caring for each other? Am I not dishonoring those same vows which I have been upset with my wife for dishonoring?

I am at a threshold of something here...any insight that would help me cross this threshold and move forward? Doesn't feel like rug sweeping....

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 1:46 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am passionate and caring...but am also selfish and dense at times.

OK. Do you think that makes you different in any way from anybody but the Dalai Lama and a very few other highly enlightened human beings?

due to the pain I am feeling from my wife's decision to have an affair I sometimes choose to be thoughtless towards her. I see that now in the light it really should be in.

Not so sure about that. You seem to think this has major significance. I just see it as anger coming out. There might be better ways of expressing it, but it's just anger. We human being tend to get over it quickly unless we stuff it, but it's just a feeling, and we have feelings; feelings don't have us.

Are the reasons behind my thoughtless actions any more valid, any more noble then my wife's thoughtless actions with regards to the affair?

Well, yeah, IMO. Expressing anger you feel right now is a lot different from building up resentment and cheating.

Have you talked with your MC about your thoughts and feelings about the therapy? If not, I encourage you to do so, to clear the air at the very least. Among other things, learning to express anger more effectively is a task for IC, not MC, so if that's what you want to do, I don't see why the MC is pushing you away from IC.

I hope I didn't misread your post....

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:26 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9761 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Sissoon.

Good thoughts as usual...but not as clear as some of the past.

You are correct...anger is still very much alive and well within me. I have specifically requested of our C that we spend more time in IC to help me find healthier ways to deal with it. She is very clear that I have done well in IC and that, at least for the moment, I am in a healthy spot and have grown into using better tools to express my anger.

I asked our C again today. "So you are still of the frame of mind that MC is the course of action for us? No IC at this time? I feel more comfort and growth in IC." I am not sure if that is direct enough. Prior to this session I emailed her expressing my thoughts about IC and strengthening my tool set to deal with what I can change, how to express my anger, how to verify some of my false assumptions regarding my wifes statements.

I don't quite get your point about my thoughtlessness really being anger repackaged. Care to elaborate? Am I expressing being a "victim", "martyr", "self righteous"?


NOTE: I see a real turning point for other members on here...when they make the switch from fighting WITH each other to fighting FOR each other. We use to have that in our marriage...I want that again...and yet here I am...it takes two to fight.

Thanks for commenting sisoon...too bad we are not in the same town...would love to grab a cup of coffee with you.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:00 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Topic Posts: 3

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