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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Horrified
♀ Member
Member # 39858
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She was a 7 month long-distance EA. (They were in boot camp together 20 years ago, and had a month long "thing". Reconnected on FB.)

Also: She's I'd love to let her BS know that she bought my husband such an extravagant expression of betrayal.

At any rate, from everything I've been reading, it looks like we're in a good place to save our marriage. Neither of us have a "handbook" for this stuff, but from what I can tell, I am encouraged by the way he's handled himself since being caught.

He's done everything possible to stop contact with her. From blocking her number, blocking FB, deleting his email account. He burned the old pictures and negatives he had of her from 20 years ago, and I can't find any evidence of her on his phone or his computer.

I think he's gotten rid of everything. **THINK** being an important word here -- because, at the end of the day, all of this shizz is the result of LIES.

It's going to take a REALLY long time before I will believe everything that comes out of his mouth.

BW - 42 (Me)
WH - 39 (2 ONS, 6m EA)
Married 13 years, 3 children
DD: 7/13/13
Status: Rugsweeping, I guess.

Posts: 248 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere Out There
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Isn't what matters is whatever comes out of WS's mouth?

[This message edited by doggiediva at 3:49 PM, July 20th (Saturday)]

Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1255 | Registered: Nov 2011
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Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Listen. Right now, you TAKE whatever you need to get through the next second, minute, hour, day. You're entitled to it. Also, read all of the posts on this forum that have a bulls-eye next to them. Especially boundaries and consequences.

And frankly, her husband needs to know. Think of how shattered you are. Then think of him. He deserves to know the state of his marriage just as you do. You are not destroying him, punishing him, taking your revenge on him. You are compassionately, as a fellow traveler on the shit-road that you have been steered to, giving him the truth so that he can protect himself and his family.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 4943 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
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Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What Skan said. Also, telling her BH will help make it harder for them to start up again in secret. Two sets of eyes are better than one. Also, she may end up too busy trying to save her own marriage to think about messing with yours anymore.

I know how crazy making all this can be. I took up swearing as my new hobby, along with throwing things. At least your WH is showing remorse and seems to be doing the right things for you to recover. It will still take a long time but not as long or painful as continued lies. I had an alcoholic WH incapable of remorse or honesty. The lies and secrets have been the most damaging thing. Your WH needs to know the lies and secrets are more likely to destroy your M than the A. "How to Help Your Spouse Heal After Your Affair" would be a very good book for you both to read.

Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1536 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please do not tell your WH you are going to do this...but Immediately get ahold of her husband with any evidence (preferably your WH on a recording or something). You want her H watching them also. I was so afraid that her H would kick her to the curb and that my WH and OW would end up together so I didn't tell her H for a long time. I think he would have confronted her and she would have probably gotten counseling to stop her behavior permanently so that she doesn't do this to anyone else!

Instead, my WH and OW told her H I was crazy, and they started putting $$$ secretly away for a year. Now they are together and we are all divorced.

I could not think straight at first, but almost every single person on here says that telling the other betrayed spouse WITHOUT ANY WARNING is the best way to keep your WS from going back in the fog.

Honestly, at this time, anything you decide to do will be attributed to the trauma of it all.

I wish I would have told WS family, friends, boss, and the Husband of OW. All of these people love my family and would have been able to get thru to my WS.... I also wish I would have loaded up all of his clothes and dumped it on her front lawn when her husband was home!!!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2215 | Registered: Jan 2012
♀ Member
Member # 39858
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, I absolutely want to disclose whatever I can to her BS. But I don't even know his name...I know her name, her phone number, and what state she lives in. I know it might sound silly, but I have * NO IDEA * how to begin investigating to get any contact info for him. I can't access the Investigating forum here yet, in the meantime...I just keep Googling and ending up with the same info over and over again.

I can feel the rollercoaster starting. I can tell the wave we've been riding for the past 4 days is coming ashore, and there's going to be a bunch of washed up crap to deal with in the wake.

BW - 42 (Me)
WH - 39 (2 ONS, 6m EA)
Married 13 years, 3 children
DD: 7/13/13
Status: Rugsweeping, I guess.

Posts: 248 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere Out There
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Member # 39755
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are a wise woman Kickboxer. I'm glad there is progress & you are feeling a bit better.

Me-SAHW soon 55
Him-asshat age 60
Married 3.5 years together 13.5
Step-children 8 altogether Grandchildren.
Cheaters are the same yesterday, today & forever. They may have different caveats but they lie the same & pull the same shit.

Where i

Posts: 114 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have they recently moved? Is it possible they got married in the county in which they currently reside? Public record.

BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2993 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
♀ Member
Member # 37146
Default  Posted: 12:41 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kickboxer....there is a lot of personal stuff on facebook...spouse's name, towns and etc. Use the white pages to research, if you know her name, you can find out lots of stuff with the state name. Does she work? There are so many ways to get what you want to know.....

Take care of yourself!!!

Posts: 102 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Somewhere in USA
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