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Newest Member: BlackSunshine (44978)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Advice - how to deal with this adnormal behaviour.
scissorhands
♀ Member
Member # 34831
Default  Posted: 1:39 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ok my WS was into putting pics of himself on sleazy dating sites. Naked, shaved genitals.
I consider it like old man exposing himself, raincoat on in a park.
He said no one on the site was there by accident.

Anywho, we were out at a forest park on the weekend. Busy place with unusal rock formations.

I am taking photos and hubby and I are in high spirits and I get him to pose for a pic.

He cracks a few funny poses, had me giggling and then he goes:
"Shall I get my penis out" - for the photos.

I said I cant believe you just said that. Its called indecent exposure.

I struggle to get my head around it and he obviously has a deep seated issues with exposing himself.

He is not a pedo or anything like that.

I asked him if he does this with the work crew and he looked horrified and said no.

I had to wait until he went back to work (a week off) before I could come here.

The first thought I had was "you have to go" but I am not in the position to separate and he is funding my education (3.5yrs to go) and I cant get any social security etc.
I don't want to separate but I am upset about what is obviously a exhibitionist streak in him. He is 47 yrs old.

Opinions greatly appreciated as I have no one else I would share this with.


DDay 12/02/2011
WH signed up for sleazy dating sites while working away for a month at a time. Discovered before any physical contact was made.

Posts: 231 | Registered: Feb 2012
scissorhands
♀ Member
Member # 34831
Default  Posted: 1:41 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I stay with him not just because of the education but because of 14 yrs of mutual friendship and mature love.

We are all different and we work as people together.

Don't know what to do or think.


DDay 12/02/2011
WH signed up for sleazy dating sites while working away for a month at a time. Discovered before any physical contact was made.

Posts: 231 | Registered: Feb 2012
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:53 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO he needs to go to IC to figure out why he got involved with posting on those sites and what this behavior is all about.

I compare it to alcoholism. Just stopping drinking is not enough. That's called a 'dry drunk'. They need to do the work and dig deeper to find out what caused the toxic thinking.

Same with infidelity. Ending an affair is not enough. Most WS think that it is.

They need to do a lot of soul searching after d-day in order to understand themselves and make real lasting changes in themselves.

My FWH's 5 LTA was horrific.
When I found out about the details of the affair
and later read the graphic emails that he exchanged with the MOW I did not recognize my husband. I remember saying: "Who is this man?"

Thankfully, we have weathered this storm and are R.
But, it took a lot of work.
My FWH got sober and embraced AA. He still continues to attend AA 6+ yrs post d-day. He went to IC for 1 and 1/2 yrs post d-day. And the first 6 months he went to IC 2x per week.
I went to IC for 4 yrs.
It may sound like a lot of work-it is.
But, in my opinion it was worth it.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3163 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IDK...my initial reaction is that he should get help, because this behavior is pretty risky. After all, he could get arrested and convicted if the wrong person sees him at the wrong time.

OTOH, the web and the park sound like very low risk areas.

But what if he escalates to riskier behavior?

Bottom line: I urge you to urge him to seek IC. Why wait for riskier behavior to happen?

Sorry you have to deal with this.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10103 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
scissorhands
♀ Member
Member # 34831
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This was a remote area and NO ONE was around at the time.

I really have no hope in hell of getting him to a IC.

I was told by a very bias RC (privately without him there) to leave. SHe said he is aspergers (so is daughter, my brother, his son) and that he will just keep hurting whatever woman he is with. She said to make sure he buys me a house and to retrain again.)
We get along well, don't have big fights and its a loving relationship.

However when I heard that I just thought you idiot. I know he would like sex in public places but that's not going to happen, like at a beach or remote picnic area. I explained to him that its illegal and not what I am into.

When challenged about the out the penis he backed away from it like hot coal.

It feels like I married a deviant and it took almost 14 yrs to find out.


DDay 12/02/2011
WH signed up for sleazy dating sites while working away for a month at a time. Discovered before any physical contact was made.

Posts: 231 | Registered: Feb 2012
scissorhands
♀ Member
Member # 34831
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This was a remote area and NO ONE was around at the time.

I really have no hope in hell of getting him to a IC.

I was told by a very bias RC (privately without him there) to leave. SHe said he is aspergers (so is daughter, my brother, his son) and that he will just keep hurting whatever woman he is with. She said to make sure he buys me a house and to retrain again.)
We get along well, don't have big fights and its a loving relationship.

However when I heard that I just thought you idiot. I know he would like sex in public places but that's not going to happen, like at a beach or remote picnic area. I explained to him that its illegal and not what I am into.

When challenged about the out the penis he backed away from it like hot coal.

It feels like I married a deviant and it took almost 14 yrs to find out.


DDay 12/02/2011
WH signed up for sleazy dating sites while working away for a month at a time. Discovered before any physical contact was made.

Posts: 231 | Registered: Feb 2012
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no experience or education about exhibitionism but I do know that asperger's people are NOT harmful per se and are NOT sexual deviants or exhibitists as a rule. Some may be, just as in the general public.

Asperger's is a cognitve difference in processing information.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3543 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
scissorhands
♀ Member
Member # 34831
Default  Posted: 12:36 AM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have experience with aspergers, brother, daughter and stepson with it.

Hubby asked me why I don't like kissing him and I advoided answering him.

He just doesn't really get it.

I don't know what to think anymore but just plod along with our life together.


DDay 12/02/2011
WH signed up for sleazy dating sites while working away for a month at a time. Discovered before any physical contact was made.

Posts: 231 | Registered: Feb 2012
canteat
♀ Member
Member # 39636
Default  Posted: 12:57 AM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He just doesn't really get it.I don't know what to think anymore but just plod along with our life together.


You deserve better than that. Find your bitch boots, put them on and demand better for yourself!

I really have no hope in hell of getting him to a IC.

Has he said he won't go or is this an assumtion? And if he won't go-what is he doing to try and change and work on R? He can't just say he won't do it again and pretend everything is fine.

Are you in IC? If not, might want to consider it.
*hugs*

[This message edited by canteat at 12:58 AM, July 20th (Saturday)]


Me: BW 42
Him: WH 47
Married 9 years-together 18
Dday: 6/17/2013 EA/PA(EA 1yr/PA 6mos-OW out of state)
status: Starting R 7/22/13

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2013
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 5:14 AM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to maintain your boundaries so i am not saying that you need to or even should...

But is there anyway you two can communicate to find a way to embrace his fetish that makes you feel safe and secure.

It sounds like he is embarrassed about it by clamming up after you didn't bite. This is what concerns me most. This embarrassment could cause him to continually hide things from you.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2588 | Registered: Aug 2012
Topic Posts: 10

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