Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: SoLostStillNumb (44248)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Tried to talk last night to Wbf
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been feeling sad a lot lately, but trying to hold in my feelings because I know that he feels guilty. After reading some of the success stories here and the healing library, I decided to try to tell him last night how I was feeling. I waited until we got into bed, and I did it in a very calm way. I was soft spoken, crying a little, and just tried to tell him that I keep seeing the images in my head and that I feel sad. I also asked him if he could tell me what he was thinking or feeling when it happened.

He was holding me, and he moved away. He said that he doesn't understand why I keep bringing it up. So I tried to explain that I had read some stuff saying that it was good to talk, and that I needed him to talk to me. He said that everyone deals with things differently. And also said that he doesn't see what bringing it up does to help. He said that he feels guilty, and there's no more answers that he can give me. He said that there's no right answer to a question like how he was feeling at the time, and that talking about it just makes it worse. He wants us to put it behind us, and move forward. Focus on the positive. I ended up apologizing, and we went to sleep.

How do I handle this? It's been four months since he confessed. He was great at answering questions at first, but now I think he expects things to be better. I told him that it can take 1-2 years, and he said that everyone moves at their own pace and I shouldn't rely on what I read on the internet. What should I tell him the next time I'm feeling sad? How do I handle it since he feels guilty? He said that he feels like I'm throwing the affair in his face every week or two to make him feel bad. That's not my intention, but I don't know how to make him see that.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1031 | Registered: Jul 2013
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said that there's no right answer to a question like how he was feeling at the time, and that talking about it just makes it worse

The right answer is the truth...even if it hurts you. The non-communication and his disregard for your pain are more hurtful than any truth he could share.

He needs to understand that this is not about HIM. Right now all the focus should be on you.

Unfortunate it is that his actions made him feel guilty. He should feel guilty and he should have the courage to face that guilt and listen to you, your pain and your questions, over and over again.

I would suggest you never apologize again for needing answers. He cannot just shut you up to make it go away.

Are you/he in IC? He needs to figure out why he allowed himself to cheat and how he got to where he is, and he needs to fix it.

Don't let this go, or you will be back here again...

Let him know, in order to heal you need to process your feelings, the pain and the trauma that he has brought into your relationship.

This is a long road ....ask him if he is willing to do the work. If he isn't, I would not even attempt to R.

Stand up for yourself. YOU did nothing wrong and he shoulders the responsibility of your pain. He needs to own it.

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3772 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
hotcoffee
♂ Member
Member # 39700
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lonely, I'm sorry that you felt you needed to apologize. He thinks you should just get over it and move on and even though he can see that you are not over it, he's not trying to help you. You did nothing at all wrong, while he did several bad things. Try to remember that.

He should feel guilty. He should be transparent about his actions today and open and honest about his actions in the past. He should be working to help you get through this. If he doesn't do that, he gets a sad you and that is his fault too.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but reconciliation is not easy and your wbf needs to show you patience and understanding.


Posts: 59 | Registered: Jun 2013
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We did couples' counseling immediately after, when I was trying to decide whether to stay or leave. He does not have insurance though, so we had to stop going. I am still doing individual counseling. He read a book recommended by our counselor (Not Just Friends).

I don't know how to make him see that I'm not trying to punish him or throw the affair in his face when I ask questions about it.

He's an insecure person. We discussed lots of reasons why he cheated in counseling. He was scared of getting hurt by me, and he used it as a barrier almost. Also, I think he seeks attention when he's feeling alone. Lately I've been feeling like I have to reassure him that I love him and want to be with him. I almost feel like I have to take care of him. I feel guilty when I bring up the affair, because I know it hurts him to talk about it.

I don't know how to deal with my feelings of being sad, and also deal with the guilt of making him feel bad when I talk about it. I know rationally that I shouldn't feel guilty, but it's almost like I want to take care of him.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1031 | Registered: Jul 2013
still2suspicious
♀ Member
Member # 31722
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LG,

Until HE truly understands the healing process you will never have true R. And I am so sorry for that.

My H was just like your WBF, (as many WS are). They figure they answered a few questions, told you all they are gonna, and THEY are able to quickly move forward. So why aren't we?

I asked questions for 3 yrs, before MC. He would answer (yell), we'd argue, and then I would apologize!! I would feel guilty, scared I "pushed HIM too far", all that shit. Now I know I did it all wrong. I didn't push hard enough! I didn't demand more! (in my defense I didn't find SI till 2 yrs past DDay).

In MC I was able to ask the same questions, but definitely more calmly. With MC's help H "got" the healing process, at least most of it. But we also went for 6 months.

If he read NJF, and truly wants to grow from here, then he should know the process. Maybe you two need to re-read it together, go over each section, discuss it, until YOU are satisfied he gets it?

PLEASE work towards standing up for yourself! DON'T let him bully you into rug sweeping. B/C right now that is all he is doing, sweetie. Trying to make it easiest on himself, not YOU!

YOU DESERVE MORE! YOU deserve to have him do all that YOU need to make it thru this shitstorm.

Are you truly in R? Right now I would have to say no. And I am sorry for that. This is just the beginning, and you are right, it is gonna take YEARS to work thru this. Good news is it can be done!

Sending hugs and strength.

[This message edited by still2suspicious at 10:42 AM, July 18th (Thursday)]


Me: BS
Him: WH
DDay: LTEA

Posts: 1263 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
Markone
♂ Member
Member # 30291
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^^^
This

In the aftermath of DD, many of us BS' feel that it is US that needs to change, US who have to tread lightly, US who have to lead R.

It's natural - you don't want to drive him away, feel like you're always focusing on the negative, he'll get sick of me etc etc etc

So what happens? you allow him to sweep it aside (of course it's hard for him to talk about ...but, shit, harder for you to experience) and these feelings will not go away, they will fester. They will make R very difficult. In a few months, you'll see him laughing and joking and you'll get resentful, bitter and angry. "How can he move on while I'm still struggling?"

R cannot be done by one person, nor independently. He needs to understand that for you to heal, he has to participate. It has to be a joint effort.

If he can't participate in the biggest issue to face you as a couple yet, how can you expect him to be your partner for life?



DD 11/28/10
Me (BH)
Her (WS)
Separated and filed (7/13)

Posts: 408 | Registered: Dec 2010
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's natural - you don't want to drive him away, feel like you're always focusing on the negative, he'll get sick of me etc etc etc

That's exactly how I feel. He cheated because he was insecure about how I felt about him. He's told me recently that he feels insecure that I'm going to leave him. So I feel like I have to be the one to constantly reassure him, because I'm terrified that he'll cheat again if I don't. He swears that he's learned his lesson, and he could never do that again to me. But if his insecurity is what caused it, then what happens now when he's feeling insecure?

How did you both get your WS to understand that you needed to talk about it? I tried last night, and all he said was that we should focus on moving forward instead of staying in the past. I'm considering writing an email to put all my feelings out there. Do you think that would help?

I want him to understand that I'm not intentionally focusing on the past. If I could forget it happened, I would gladly do that. The images just pop into my head. He was married previously, and ex cheated on him before the marriage. He said that he forgave her within a week after he found out, and didn't focus on it. I think he expects me to respond the same way he did in that situation.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1031 | Registered: Jul 2013
doesitgetbetter
♀ Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's exactly how I feel. He cheated because he was insecure about how I felt about him. He's told me recently that he feels insecure that I'm going to leave him. So I feel like I have to be the one to constantly reassure him, because I'm terrified that he'll cheat again if I don't. He swears that he's learned his lesson, and he could never do that again to me. But if his insecurity is what caused it, then what happens now when he's feeling insecure?

Everytime you feed his need to be reassured, it's like you are giving a heroin addict some heroin. Would you consider giving an addict his drug of choice helping, or hurting? He has damage, that damage manifests itself in his insecurity, and he feeds that insecurity by being needy and needing external validation. You are helping him treat the symptom instead of the wound. HE has to go to IC to find that wound and heal it himself. Until he does, you'll NEVER be able to convince him enough that you'll stay, and that he's worthy, and that he's good enough, etc. The more you feed him that stuff, the more of a bottomless pit he'll be, and the more validation he'll need to seek from others, and the more affairs he'll have to get that validation.

He didn't truly forgive his wife after just a week and then never bring it up. He squarely rug swept the entire thing and chose to not deal with it at all. I don't think it worked at all, because look at how damaged he is now.... he has allowed himself to become the cheater. How's that workin for him?

I hate to correct you, but it takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity when both parties are working at it. Even then, it could be less or more depending on the person's involved. I was on the 5 year plan, and I had a wonderfully remorseful, model FWH by my side the entire time. Didn't make my healing any faster though. But my H dealt with it each and every day, took responsibility for what he had done, and his motto became "whatever you need to heal from this, I will do for you".

Lastly, yes, everyone DOES heal in different ways and at different times. When he says this next time, then tell him "well this is what I need to heal, are you willing to help me heal or not? If not, there is the door".


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are talking on text message now while at work. I suggested going back to MC, and he said that he can't afford it.

I told him that I feel like we are smiling at each other and kissing, but that there's a barrier between us. I tried explaining that I don't want to sweep it under the rug, that I want to deal with it so we can be closer. His reply was "You asked me questions I've answered a million times. I haven't swept anything under the rug. You can tell me how you feel...but why bring up events and specifics?"

How do I explain this so he can understand?


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1031 | Registered: Jul 2013
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, some of his other comments:

"Only time can heal... you know all the answers and they don't change. Talking about it requires me to feel like I need to apologize"

"There are different ways of handling things. You research everything, read endless articles, post on forums. Others deal with it individually. It's like you want to keep reliving it."

"We've talked about it for 4 months and its always the same thing. I'm trying here. There has to be a point to move on from that stage."

What do I do? I don't know what to say to him. I told him that I need to feel safe to ask the hard questions, and I need him to know that I'm doing it to seek comfort, not to punish him. I told him to think about whether he can give that to me or not. I feel so sad today.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1031 | Registered: Jul 2013
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lonelygirl10

Fine a therapist that deals in infidelity. First off.

Then you tell him to have a great future which you know in your heart that the two of you can have together you need to find a way to communicate and go to this therapist..
Honey you have to communicate for a relationship to work. He needs to be willingly to put your feelings ahead of his own and help you heal. He needs to understand what he has done so he does not do it again.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3184 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Schilling
♀ Member
Member # 39774
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lonelygirl10,

No advice here other then look for a Talk Therapist who works on a sliding scale and deals with infidelity.

Otherwise, I just wanted to say that I understand what you are going through, as my Wbf says the same things.


I am 26(Bgf). He is 36 (Wbf).
On Again, Off Again - 10 years.
Not Married. No Kids.
D-Day: Too many to list/ remember.
Trying to Reconcile.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: San Francisco
Markone
♂ Member
Member # 30291
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LG,
I'm following your thread because I made the mistakes I am now "warning" you against. I heard the same sentiments:

"I want to put it behind me"

" I've told you everything"

" It's not working for me to keep talking about the A"

"I feel guilty already, I don't need to be reminded"

Notice anything? all about "I" or "me"

After feeling like it was useless to try to talk, I gave up. Rugswept myself and things were "great"...for a while (but take note of my salutation below.)

Rugsweeping doesn't work.

And think of it this way...again, if sharing your concerns, emotions makes him uncomfortable, do you want to be married to this man without him making the necessary changes? Do you want to be a doormat for your entire marriage? That is what he is trying to do to you right now (despite his words, despite your love for him, despite, despite, despite....but remember, actions speak louder than words.

Ok, you get the point. And I should stop here for fear of crossing the line in the R forum, but please please consider the advice you're getting from members like karmahappens, still2suspicious -- it's all given in the spirit of wanting you to be successful in R (if that's your choice) not to persuade you against it.

There's also something called "Joseph's Letter" in the Healing Library. It's great to use as a guide in telling him how you feel. And yes, if email eworks better, writing a letter can be very effective.

Best wishes, LG. (((hugs))



DD 11/28/10
Me (BH)
Her (WS)
Separated and filed (7/13)

Posts: 408 | Registered: Dec 2010
still2suspicious
♀ Member
Member # 31722
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sweetie,

He is giving you the words out the the "Cheater's Handbook"! (and I am sure he didn't study it!! )

They ALL say the same shit!

"Look forward, not back"
"I told you everything already"
WHY do you keep asking the same questions"

I am livid for you, as I lived that from 2009 till this year!!

Bottom line: It's NOT about HIM!!!!!! It's about YOU! He did NOT get over his ex's cheating. He swept it up in a shit pile under the rug as fast as you can blink. Why? B/c he was too afraid (and didn't know how) to deal with it.

But the fact that HE cheated on you shows just how deep he was effected by it. The fact that all he wants YOU to do is "move forward" (gd I HATE that phrase!!!) shows that he learned nothing from it either.

Please find a MC that deals with infidelity, not just your average MC. If they did not get any training, in this very f'd area, then they would not be much more help than you. It takes a lot of experience to help a couple wade thru this shitstorm. And if all the learning they had was a chapter in a book it ain't gonna be enough to help you.

It's just gonna take a lot of work on HIS part. Is he up to it? Only he knows the answer to that.

To give you hope (I know all has been hard to read so far) we did R'd. The EA is not the first thing I wake up to, nor the last thing I go to bed with.

Sending strength.


Me: BS
Him: WH
DDay: LTEA

Posts: 1263 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for all the support. It helps me to feel less alone. My friends are not supportive of me trying to work things out, so I'm mostly alone dealing with all this.

I know that talking in text messages is bad, but I'm having a bad day after last night. I told him that I need to be able to talk about things in a safe environment, and that my needs should come first right now because he's the one that caused all my horrible feelings. I also told him that this is a hard conversation to have, because I'm scared of forcing the issue and making him be distant. When we were in MC, we discovered that he distances himself on purpose when he's feeling attacked, to make the woman work harder for his affection and "prove" her love. Anyway, his response was:

"Last night wasn't about me putting my needs over your needs. You asked me what was going through my head when it happened and I've already told you. I feel like you are beating me up when I've already apologized so much. I've done nothing but try to be an open book to you, be sweet, caring and put you first. Yes its okay for you to not have forgotten about it... And I'm sorry I did it. But I don't want to constantly feel like I'm going to lose you or I have to explain everything over and over and apologize over and over. You know I'm here for you. You know I'm sorry and I'm willing to help you when you're down. But I can't change the past and that is what you want me to do."

I read Joseph's Letter on the healing forum. I like the way it starts out. In his defense, he did answer the questions in the first couple months. But it's like he thinks I should be over it now, or I'm bringing it up to punish him. I talked to my IC a couple weeks ago about whether my negativity is causing problems, and she challenged me to just focus on the good. So I did that, and we had a good two weeks. But then I started thinking about things again, and it led to last night's conversation.

I'd love to go back to MC. We had a great counselor that focuses on infidelity, but we had to quit because he doesn't have insurance. I suggested going back, and he's said no. I think he was also getting frustrated because she was talking about whether it was worth it to try to make it work since we're not married.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1031 | Registered: Jul 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Being betrayed is a trauma..he has traumatized you.

You ask questions over and over..the same ones..because that is how the brain processes trauma.

Um..he doesn't like you bringing it up because then he feels the need to apologize? He should be apologizing...several times a day.

The fact that he answered questions the first few months is ok..but here's the problem..you were in shock. It takes a BS a few months to grasp what has happened(usually). So any questions you asked and he answered need to be re-asked, because you probably don't remember much.

What is he doing to show you he wants to R?

Was he tested for STD's? Did you see the results?

Is he transparent? Do you have full access to all of his online accounts..all forums,emails,facebook,etc..and his cell..passwords too? Did he give those willingly?

Is he open and honest at all times?

Is he accountable for his time away from you?

Did he write a NC email to the OW,and you sent it..so you know it was sent?

He should be willing to answer all of your questions without blame,anger,or defensiveness. For as long as you need to ask them.

Is he reading any self help books? Is he willing to post on the wayward forum here on SI?

He wants to rugsweep. It takes 3-5 years to heal from infidelity...and that's with a remorseful,supportive WS. He clearly doesn't grasp the full gravity of what he has done.

There is a great thread on the wayward forum by HUFI-PUFI.."Things that every wayward spouse needs to know." Print that off and ask him to read it..and sit with him while he reads it. It is VERY accurate and explains how and why a BS is feeling/acting the way they do.

Im so sorry he's not getting it. But I can tell you..trying to R with a WS who doesn't get it..is Hell.

Yes..everyone heals differently. But what if you're on the 5 year plan. Is he willing and able ride this roller coaster he's put you on? If not,honey,I promise you,it's better to get out now..before you get hurt anymore..before you become pregnant..or he give you an irreversible STD.

[This message edited by confused615 at 2:23 PM, July 18th (Thursday)]


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7123 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Was he tested for STD's? Did you see the results?

Is he transparent? Do you have full access to all of his online accounts..all forums,emails,facebook,etc..and his cell..passwords too? Did he give those willingly?

Is he open and honest at all times?

Is he accountable for his time away from you?

Did he write a NC email to the OW,and you sent it..so you know it was sent?

He should be willing to answer all of your questions without blame,anger,or defensiveness. For as long as you need to ask them.

Is he reading any self help books? Is he willing to post on the wayward forum here on SI?

To answer your questions, he was fully tested for STDs, and he's clean.

He allows me to look at his phone whenever I want to, but I don't have passwords. I never asked for passwords, because I feel guilty asking for that. I'm not sure why.. maybe because I don't want to give him my password? For the same reason, he doesn't know that I post on here. I feel like this is my safe place, where I can post my fears without him reading. He often feels like I'm attacking him, and I'm sure he would feel that way if he read this forum. Is my reaction to that wrong?

He is accountable for his time. He sends me pictures of where he's at. A huge trigger for me is him going to his dad's house. Every time he told me he was going to his dad's house December-April, he was with her. It was his go-to excuse, because I never questioned the reasonableness of it. So I usually have panic attacks when he says he's going there. He'll text me a picture of his dad or the house. It somewhat helps, but I'm also smart enough to know he could be sending me old pictures. I don't know how to handle that.

He started MC with me, but can't afford it. He read the first few chapters of Just Not Friends immediately, but I don't think he finished it. His excuse for not finishing it was that he spent all his time with me, which was true. We just recently started spending days apart again, and maybe that's what is triggering all my doubt and sad feelings.

He does not have contact with the OW because she got a restraining order against him when she found out he was with me. He had told her that he was at his dad's house, and she showed up looking for him.

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 2:40 PM, July 18th (Thursday)]


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1031 | Registered: Jul 2013
doesitgetbetter
♀ Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It somewhat helps, but I'm also smart enough to know he could be sending me old pictures. I don't know how to handle that.

Ask him to send you a very specific picture of something, and change what that is each time you ask for a pic. Easy.

A restraining order doesn't keep OW from contacting him, just him from contacting her IF she wants to press charges. So don't feel all warm and fuzzy about that RO.

And get that boy How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair. If he won't do all of the things outlined in that book, then you know you don't matter and he'll keep cheating.

Lastly, I wonder about his quick forgiveness of his ex. I have a relative who was married to a cheating woman. The wife found out that the husband had cheated, and she forgave him VERY quickly and never talked about it again. Why did she do this? Because she had been cheating on him for a VERY LONG TIME when she discovered his affair. She took his affair as her "get out of jail free" card in case he ever found out about her affair. So just because WBF's ex wife cheated on him, doesn't mean he didn't cheat on her also and it's possible she never knew. Just sayin.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ask him to send you a very specific picture of something, and change what that is each time you ask for a pic. Easy.

That's a great idea. Thank you!

A restraining order doesn't keep OW from contacting him, just him from contacting her IF she wants to press charges. So don't feel all warm and fuzzy about that RO.

Well, she actually filed charges against him for stalking. He was arrested. Part of his bail was that he was to have zero contact with her. The charges were dismissed because she didn't show up for the trial. I periodically look at her FB profile, and it says that she's in a committed relationship now. She was single at the time.

Lastly, I wonder about his quick forgiveness of his ex. I have a relative who was married to a cheating woman. The wife found out that the husband had cheated, and she forgave him VERY quickly and never talked about it again. Why did she do this? Because she had been cheating on him for a VERY LONG TIME when she discovered his affair. She took his affair as her "get out of jail free" card in case he ever found out about her affair. So just because WBF's ex wife cheated on him, doesn't mean he didn't cheat on her also and it's possible she never knew. Just sayin.

I've always wondered how he forgave her so quickly. She cheated while they were dating, and he said that he proposed very shortly after because he didn't want the other guy to get her. They were married four years, and then she left him for another man.

So, I spoke with him again. He has agreed to set aside time every Wednesday to talk about the A. I feel like this is some progress.

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 3:46 PM, July 18th (Thursday)]


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1031 | Registered: Jul 2013
Markone
♂ Member
Member # 30291
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He sends me pictures of where he's at. A huge trigger for me is him going to his dad's house. Every time he told me he was going to his dad's house December-April, he was with her. It was his go-to excuse, because I never questioned the reasonableness of it. So I usually have panic attacks when he says he's going there. He'll text me a picture of his dad or the house. It somewhat helps, but I'm also smart enough to know he could be sending me old pictures. I don't know how to handle that.

...and nearly 3 years after D-Day, I was still feeling that way. Why? because no work had been done to assure me (and her) that it couldn't happen again. I could not live that way. But you will as long as you let him dicate how it should work or try to R with a half-hearted spouse (which, I'm sorry, he is)

Here's an idea: think of how much you love him and what you'd do for that love..."climb a mountain",? walk through fire"?, hell, "give him a 2nd chance after betrayal?".

"I'd do anything for him, I love him"...right?

now how do you feel that to him that love isn't worth trying to understand how you feel and how you can heal. Just not worth "having to talk about it again ".

Not fair, is it?


DD 11/28/10
Me (BH)
Her (WS)
Separated and filed (7/13)

Posts: 408 | Registered: Dec 2010
Topic Posts: 35
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.