Second, is your H in IC? If not, he really ought to start. If he is in IC, insist that he let you talk with his IC to make sure he's dealing wit his issues and has a goal of R.
I know you feel as if you have to start over, and in some areas you do have to start over, but you have a lot of resources now that you didn't have on your first D-Day. The shock will wear off, and you will heal.
I know you do not want your marriage to be over, but the reality is that it may well be.
He has shown you who he really is. Believe him.
And most importantly, she has said over and over that the SA meetings were what saved her marriage.
Her husband now leads the meetings and she says he has become a much more thoughtful, open person-willing to discuss his feelings etc.