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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: There comes a point in time when...
Deanna
♀ Member
Member # 26854
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have to stop asking questions. For 2 years my husband would answer all my questions over and over again ( as he should). However around the two year mark he told me I had to quit picking the scab. So I would wait until I was ready to burst to bring up the affair. We are now at 3 years eight months and I haven't brought up the affair in at least five months. Sometimes it really is better, once you have gotten your answers to stop torturing yourself and your spouse. I am not talking about rug sweeping I am talking about not obsessing.
And yes, time has a lot to do with the good place I am at right now.
If you can just try it for a few days. The days turn into weeks and the weeks turn into months

[This message edited by Deanna at 9:45 PM, July 18th (Thursday)]


DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Posts: 1424 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deanna,

You are most probably right. I know I need to stop obsessing and asking questions. But I feel if I don't, then these obsessive thoughts will make me explode too.

But I will try......just not tomorrow!


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 753 | Registered: Feb 2012
FeelsSoRight
♀ Member
Member # 28377
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is the same way it happened for me, Deanna...the days turned into weeks, the weeks into months, and now probably almost 2 years. I mean, it does get brought up - maybe once in a blue moon, but it does feel good to not obsess over it 24/7 like in the first few years. And you are right about time being the magic factor...although a lot happens in that passing time to make it the key.


Me - W - 48
Him - H - 47
Together since we were 14/15
Married 27 yrs in August (renewed our vows in 2011-H's idea!)
DD-23, DS-15
Separated for 7 mos & were 3 wks from divorce when we reconciled
Happily R for almost 4 years

Posts: 1450 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: MO
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When do you reach this point? My Wbf keeps telling me that I am obsessing too much, and that I would feel better if I could just stop asking questions. Answers lead to more questions. He said that the mind is a powerful thing, and that if I stop focusing on the A, I'll start to feel better. He said that things are only as bad as we make them out to be.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1126 | Registered: Jul 2013
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When do you reach this point? My Wbf keeps telling me that I am obsessing too much, and that I would feel better if I could just stop asking questions. Answers lead to more questions. He said that the mind is a powerful thing, and that if I stop focusing on the A, I'll start to feel better. He said that things are only as bad as we make them out to be.

honey, you are just a couple months out from Dday. Ask away.. I'm 15 months out and tomorrow at MC I plan on asking more and I won't feel badly about it. Hell, in 10 years if I want to ask a question I will.
Sorry, OP, I don't agree with your opening statement. If I can't ask questions about whatever I need to in this marriage I'm really not interested in being in this marriage.
You shouldn't have to "wait until you burst" to ask questions... why?

[This message edited by rachelc at 7:54 AM, July 19th (Friday)]


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4779 | Registered: Dec 2010
FeelsSoRight
♀ Member
Member # 28377
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LonelyGirl10...like rachelc said...You are in the very beginning of this journey...the VERY beginning. I am over 4 years out now and I still think about it daily...and more than once, however, it is not 24/7 like it was when I was at the place you are now. I would guestimate that it was probably about 1.5 years before I really started being able to have thoughts of it without it crippling me for a good portion of the day. Sorry to tell you that because I remember it being very discouraging to me at that point, but it was true in my case anyway. As time progressed though, a thought of it, a question that I'd already asked, a trigger, etc. would pop into my head and the effects would not resonate for as long as they did in the beginning. And even further in time, the thoughts became almost fleeting. I'd think it. I'd remember the answer and/or how I'd processed it the first 300 times it occurred to me, and move on. That is where I am today...4 years out. I still think of some aspect of it everyday, multiple times a day, but I can drive by the restaurant they went to and when before I'd be cursing in the car or crying in the car, now I just drive by it and flip it the bird and the thought is out of my mind as quickly as the restaurant disappears from my rearview mirror.

It does get better...


Me - W - 48
Him - H - 47
Together since we were 14/15
Married 27 yrs in August (renewed our vows in 2011-H's idea!)
DD-23, DS-15
Separated for 7 mos & were 3 wks from divorce when we reconciled
Happily R for almost 4 years

Posts: 1450 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: MO
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think there should be a time limit. I will talk about anything and if I feel the need to talk about something 20 years ago he best sit up and answer. There should never be a question that can't be asked in a marriage.. JMO.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3187 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me the question asking and talking about the A's was a process.

At first (the first year since I got 10 months of TT) the questions and conversations were more of an interrogation. I kept asking until the answers started matching and fit together. I needed to know as close to the truth as possible. Every little change in the story or new information set me back to square one. This is probably where a TimeLine would have been helpful. I did not ask for one and who knows if it would have been true anyway.

After I got what my mind believed as the "what", the tone of my questions turned to more of the "how" and "why". The feelings, the thoughts, the rationalizations, the justifications. And I kept asking until they made some sort of sense in my mind.

Once the "whats" the "hows" and the "whys" made sense to me I was able to accept and understand them. When that happened the obsessive thoughts and questions kinda stopped or at least slowed on their own.

If something pops into my head I will ask but it is nothing like it was.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2560 | Registered: Aug 2012
Deanna
♀ Member
Member # 26854
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry if you interpreted from my post that I can't ask questions. At the moment I have asked all the questions I need to. If a month from now I decide there is something I want to ask I will ask it.
On the other hand I am responsible for my own happiness. I have choose. Not to obsess about the affair anymore. Part of that resulted in the passing of time but part of that was a decision I made.


DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Posts: 1424 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not to obsess about the affair anymore.

That is what I have been doing lately...it's the A time of year.

Yours is the second post this week that really resonated with me that I am the only one who has the power to not let the A torment me anymore. H is remorseful and doing all he can to help me...now it is my turn to help myself and control my own thoughts.

Thank you for your thread, Deanna.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Want To Wake Up
♀ Member
Member # 31583
Default  Posted: 1:24 AM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On the other hand I am responsible for my own happiness. I have choose. Not to obsess about the affair anymore. Part of that resulted in the passing of time but part of that was a decision I made.


I agree Deanna, however I also think that this (taken from your profile) had a lot to do with your ability to make that decision...

My husband has lived up to every promise he made to me

... those of us still waiting for our WS to live up to "every promise" made to us might just be finding it a bit harder.


[This message edited by Want To Wake Up at 1:25 AM, July 21st (Sunday)]


Me 50+
WH 50+ (SlowUptake)
DDay '09
Latest TT... Nov '13 (not a typo!)


One man’s “fruitless conflict” is another man’s “meaningful discussion”


Posts: 475 | Registered: Mar 2011
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deanna,

I'm not sure what you're advocating. Since some newbies are around, I wonder if you'd clarify. I read your statement to mean something like,

'I asked all the questions I wanted to ask, and then I felt I had to stop.'

Is that correct? Or are you advocating not asking questions you really want to ask?

For me, at first I asked every question that popped into my head. Sometime in my 2nd year I starting asking questions only if the Q had a positive outcome. Now, in my 3rd year. I probably haven't asked any Qs since May - but I'll ask one today, if I remember it after my W wakes up.

[This message edited by sisoon at 8:01 AM, July 21st (Sunday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9991 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Dance4Me
♀ Member
Member # 26284
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also believe it depends on the amount of betrayal our spouses had engaged in. My Hs crap spanned on and off for seven years - unbeknownst to me. I believe my mind had to break down each betrayal into chunks and over time because I couldn't handle it all in one period of time; thus, my questions and discussions about his affairs continue at almost four years out!

I will add that for me its not everyday or every week and the info doesn't bring me to my knees anymore....but I would love to go five months without discussing his crap. It's just not possible for me in my healing ... And I am FBS that has a truly remorseful and loving FWH.

I am happy for you Deanna - especially with us having similar Ddays!


On Dday -BS-me 41 FWS-him 42
Married 19 years 3 kids (16,13,9)
D-Day 10/2/09- TT til Feb. 2010

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken.” -CS Lewis


Posts: 1040 | Registered: Nov 2009
Deanna
♀ Member
Member # 26854
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you advocating for not asking questions you really want to ask?

Absolutely not. If I have a question five years from now I am going to ask it!


DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Posts: 1424 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Deanna...I get your sentiment.

I am 10 months out....10 months of obsessive thinking and endless questions.

About 4 months into my journey my wife decided to tell the truth to my questions...since then it is so much nicer...but still question filled and obsessive at times.

The past 2 weeks I have reduced my thoughts and questions...not consciously (though I did recognize what was happening a few days into it)...it was more like I was getting bored with them...like a book I had read over and over...no new thoughts or feelings....no new endings.... I wasn't worn out feeling...just...bored.

Check with me in the next moment and see if I am turning a corner or rug sweeping (stupid roller coaster!)....right now I get your post.

My WW actions have a lot to do with the pace of my healing...she doesn't so much speed it up but rather she can slow it down depending on how she interacts with me.

This is still so very tough and painful...but the obsessiveness I have been guilty of is reducing.

Newbies who read this....don't force this corner to be turned...it really is unique to your situation...the personalities at play make a big difference.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:17 PM, July 21st (Sunday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3609 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Topic Posts: 15

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