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User Topic: Bad email from Wbf, chest hurting
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was not able to get online all day yesterday, so I just read some of the latest replies. I want to tell everyone thank you for putting so much thought into your replies. I know that I'm new here, but I already feel grateful for everyone on SI.

I ended up going to the concert with my friend Saturday night, and Wbf spent time with his guy friends.

On Sunday, he was very attentive to me. I tend to bite my nails when I'm stressed, and every time he would see me doing it he would say something like "I love everything about you and I want to be with you." It would calm me down.

We are reading two chapters of Not Just Friends and two chapters of Healing your Partner, and plan to discuss them Wednesday.

I don't think that he's the one who has separated me from my friends. I think that's my fault. I'm ashamed that I'm still dating him, and I worry how it reflects on me. I think I've avoided my friends because I don't want them to know that I'm dating him and also don't want to lie to them. He keeps encouraging me to see my friends and bring him with me. So, that part is my fault I think.

Reading the posts on here and some of the articles has helped open my eyes. I am giving it another try. I know the signs though, and if he goes back to being unsupportive, I want to walk away. Next time I won't tell him how I'm feeling, so he won't have time to "change" to meet my needs. I am suspicious on whether his good behavior now is real or manipulative. I am so, so hopeful that it's real. I don't know what it is about this man that makes it so hard to walk away. I wasn't like this in prior relationships.

Thank you again for all your support.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1206 | Registered: Jul 2013
Twitchy
♂ Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know what it is about this man that makes it so hard to walk away. I wasn't like this in prior relationships.

It's not him. You went all in on this one. You poured your heart and soul into this relationship and it's hard to just walk away after investing so much of yourelf.

It's like poker. Once you make a big bet, the hardest part is walking away from the pot when your realize your hand isn't as strong as your first thought.

So you try to bluff the other person into folding by pushing even more chips in.

Know your all in and you're sitting with a losing hand.

Please keep your eyes and ears open. Trust your gut. I really hope this one works out for you.


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 647 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LG - I just finally read through your whole thread here.
I have to say that you are in a relationship that screams of co-dependency. It can be extremely difficult to have a healthy relationship that is built on such weak ground. It's like building a house without a base.

He is manipulating you to the umpteenth level. An example, you were anxious, he saw it by your behavior of biting your nails. So what doe he do? He says I love everything about you. You feel better, but really in his mind he is thinking Uh Oh she is nervous about something, wonder what it is...I better make her feel more relaxed so she doesn't ask questions, or talk about the A's.

Seriously. Consider doing the 180. This is not to get him to go along with R. This is so you can be strong in yourself. So you can look at things honestly. So you can demand what you need to have a safe, healthy relationship, and if not being strong enough to walk away.

He even has you convinced that you leaving your friends behind is because it's your choice. But what made you make that choice? Was it because you don't like them? NO it's because you are embarrased and ashamed. Real friends could give a rip, if your in a healthy good relationship when you R. You are concerned about their responses because you know that they will tell you to get out now.

Just because he is saying the right things, and doing some things that appear to be loving, I would warn you to stay on your toes. Snoop, don't trust, and push the limits.

Real R is not prefaced with we can't talk unless you start the convo the way I want you too. Real R is met with real remorse, and the offending WS being very very nonjudgemental, and offering to do anything and everything to help the Betrayed heal.

(((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8709 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
EvenKeel
♀ Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry if I seem dumb or weak.

We all had this moment. We know we are smarter than this but get sucked in by WANTING to believe them.

I tend to bite my nails when I'm stressed, and every time he would see me doing it he would say something like "I love everything about you and I want to be with you
."

It bothers me how backwards this is. HE SHOULD BE THE ONE stressing that you are going to kick his butt to the curb. He should not be validating with "don't worry....I love and want to be with you".

You have gotten tons of advice so I am not going to reiterate it. However, I do remember a post once saying "If you knew then what you know now....would you of stayed with WW/WH?"
Tons of people said "HECK NO!!!!" We wasted tons of years trying to fix people, wanting to BELIEVE them, wanting to save our families, etc. You know NOW what he is like. Don't waste this next decade on this.

Hugs


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2177 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is manipulating you to the umpteenth level. An example, you were anxious, he saw it by your behavior of biting your nails. So what doe he do? He says I love everything about you. You feel better, but really in his mind he is thinking Uh Oh she is nervous about something, wonder what it is...I better make her feel more relaxed so she doesn't ask questions, or talk about the A's.

I think I'm confused. After reading posts on here, I thought that a remorseful WS should be doing and saying things like this? How do you know when it's manipulation or when it's real?


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1206 | Registered: Jul 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What are his actions telling you? Watch those..his words mean nothing. Watch his actions...true remorse lasts forever..you won't known if he is truly remorseful until time has passed...but you will know if he is NOT remorseful pretty damn quick.

I thought my WH was remorseful...until 2.5 years into "R."

[This message edited by confused615 at 1:22 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7682 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Other things he can do to show you he wants to R:

Gives you full access to all of his online accounts and cell..and passwords..without hesitation.

Answers all of you questions,regardless of how often you ask the same ones,without anger,blame,or defensiveness.


Writes NC emails to his OW..and you send it..so you know it was done,and unchanged.


Goes to IC.

Is willing to talk to you about anything..he's an open book..this includes his affairs.

And time..it takes a lot of time.


Do any of the OW have a husband or boyfriend?

[This message edited by confused615 at 1:26 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7682 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
staying hopefull
♀ Member
Member # 5748
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Time...time is the only way to tell if it is real...



Me - BS (40) FWH (43)
Two children
Together 20 years, married 15 years
Reconcilied for 9 years!

Posts: 1031 | Registered: Nov 2004
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Writes NC emails to his OW..and you send it..so you know it was done,and unchanged.

The OW pressed charges against him for stalking, and he was told to not contact her. The charges were later dismissed because she didn't show up for court (I was there). Should I still insist that he write her an email? Seems kinda risky, and I don't want him to get in trouble legally.

Do any of the OW have a husband or boyfriend?

The OW has a boyfriend now, but I think she was single during A. Facebook shows that she started dating him 2 weeks after she pressed charges against my BF.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1206 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 129
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