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User Topic: Bad email from Wbf, chest hurting
ajsmom
♀ Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

... and I'd break up with him today, Friday. then you have the whole weekend to fall apart, be sick, not sleep, sleep too much before Monday.

Word.


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21039 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
cliffside
♀ Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He doesn't get it AT ALL. You need to get the bitch boots on ASAP and go total NC with him today.

Have you thought about this: you need to get tested for STDs. If you haven't, you MUST. Unfortunately, most of us have. And I'll tell ya, nothing will wake you up more than sitting in a doctor's office telling them your Fiance or Husband cheated on you and you need to get tested for every STD under the sun.
Then think about this. Do you want to spend the rest of your life getting tested for STDs? Because your fiancÚ is going to cheat agaun. If he marries you, he will cheat on you. If he marries someone else, he will cheat on her. Keep repeating that in your head. He is broken and he is not remorseful. That right there are the two main ingredients of a cheater. Throw in a lot of narcissism and voila - serial cheater!

Lastly, he was arrested for stalking her while engaged to you?? Your *fiancÚ* was arrested for stalking another woman? NO ONE deserves to marry THAT.

Run! Run as fast as you can and we'll all be here to help you pick up the pieces.


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 265 | Registered: Mar 2013
cdnmommy
♀ Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I typed out a long email, I deleted it after thinking it over and reading it.
I know you are struggling and I know it is tough.
I'm trying my hardest also. I love you. I'm sorry you are going through such a tough time.

^^^This is not getting it. It sounds eerily like a message I got from my FWH while we were in false R, just a few days after he created his new, secret email to communicate with MOW.

He is sorry you're going through a tough time. Maybe he should be sorry that he handed you this tough time. Maybe he should be saying "I love you, but I know that my actions have not shown you this. I understand why you feel like you need to ask questions and I won't stop answering even if it makes me uncomfortable."

Anything short of this is NOT getting it. It is NOT remorse. You think it is, because you want it to be. I know. I was there, too. I desperately wanted to believe that my FWH was remorseful. I was not on SI yet (thanks to the worst piece of advice our MC gave me) or I would have had people giving me this same advice. Please look after yourself.

(((hugs)))


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1732 | Registered: Nov 2010
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you thought about this: you need to get tested for STDs. If you haven't, you MUST. Unfortunately, most of us have. And I'll tell ya, nothing will wake you up more than sitting in a doctor's office telling them your Fiance or Husband cheated on you and you need to get tested for every STD under the sun.

I was tested the week after Dday. He told me at first that he used condoms the whole time, then admitted he lied about that. I actually have a phobia of needles, and passed out when they did the HIV test. It was miserable. Luckily, it all came back negative. He has gotten two cold sores though since the breakup. He never had one before. He swears that she didn't give it to him... but who knows.

Lastly, he was arrested for stalking her while engaged to you?? Your *fiancÚ* was arrested for stalking another woman?

Yeah, he says that she filed fake charges against him when she found out he was with me. I think she thought that he was exclusive with her.

He texted me just now. He said:

I got a weird feeling in my chest earlier during lunch and I regretted a lot of the things I said in my first email. I shouldn't have said a few of those things and I'm sorry

Then he asked if we're over. I just keep staring at that text. Yes. No. I'm scared. I committed myself to R. I wanted it to work out. I tried. Things were mostly good. And then it all blew up this week, and I'm not sure why.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1112 | Registered: Jul 2013
ajsmom
♀ Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got a weird feeling in my chest earlier during lunch and I regretted a lot of the things I said in my first email. I shouldn't have said a few of those things and I'm sorry

Quite typical WS back peddling.

You see that, right?


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21039 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please tell him you tried but it just isn't going to work out. Have a happy life!


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 37 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 710 | Registered: Apr 2013
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was all set to walk away. But now he's saying

I see that it's tough for you and you don't want to be like that but you can't help it. I know you're giving your all. I shouldn't have said it. And I'm upset at myself for feeling that way honestly. I know it's tough and you deserve for me to be there and fight harder and be open

It's when he says stuff like this that I want to stay and work on it.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1112 | Registered: Jul 2013
amitheow
♀ Member
Member # 4691
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sure why!
A little birdie sitting on your shoulder ... a higher Power. Because the universe works that way.

I really think it would be best to reply that yes you are over, his text gives you the opening.

You DESERVE to have a faithful partner. He didn't do it once he did it TWICE ... he's nto a nice man, I'm sorry.

[This message edited by amitheow at 2:08 PM, July 19th (Friday)]


Old Timer, Just here to help
My screen name is: Am I The Ow? - Not Ami the OW.

Because in my situation I didn't know if I was the OW at first or if I was being cheated on. Found I was being cheated on.


Posts: 5083 | Registered: Jun 2004 | From: Texas
myperfectlife
♀ Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can tell you that after my Dday 5 months ago I did a lot of the same things you are describing. I get so angry at myself now when I think of the times he blameshifted & I fell for it. I soothed him & gently tried to coax him into telling me the information I was dying for as he TT'd me to death. I was so afraid he would actually leave & I wasn't ready for that. It finally occurred to me how violated I had been and things changed dramatically.

This ^^^ .
You seem like a smart girl. I will briefly echo what the others have said.
Although right now you have your HEART invested, you don't have much time invested, or children.
Let me ask you-are you willing to risk your future children on this man as your husband?
Are you willing to risk your entire future happiness on this man as your husband?
Are you willing to risk your emotional stability, sanity, peace of mind, credibility with friends, possibly your reputation as a lawyer on this man as your husband.
I have spent the past 20 years trying to fix 2 different men because of my "fixer" issues.

You.
Can't.
Fix.
Him.

Thankfully I walked away from my first husband at 18 and dodged a bullet because at 38 he is STILL not fixed.

My current WS was not such a large project and I just tried to talk to him and support him, but still usually at my own expense and the expense of my children.
Now, after 18 years with him I am in the same position as everyone else on this site. Totally SCREWED.

You've haven't ever been in a relationship with HIM.
Walk away and come back and tell us your happy story-it can happen, it will happen.

Forgive yourself for not fixing him.
((hugs))


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
ajsmom
♀ Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you need to list all the reasons why he's worth keeping and all the ways he's hurt and harmed you*.

Like a T ruler - pro's on one side; con's on the other.

Perhaps if you visually saw what all of us here, your friends and your counselor sees, it might make a difference.

* I carry my "In Case You Need A Rock Thrown At Your Head, AJ's MOM, Here's All The Ways He's Hurt You" list in my purse at the ready.


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21039 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He might say the right stuff at the 11th hour, but he doesn't do the right stuff.

What he does do - is manipulate. Stop letting him pull your strings. Cut your losses and be done with the mind-fuckery.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3601 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm just going to post one more time because I don't think regurgitating this stuff over & over is particularly useful.

It is what it is. He's throwing you another bone. It's the classic see saw effect. He sees you getting serious & he is back peddling but, the facts are what they are. He is who he is. He is that man behind the curtain on the yellow brick road.

I hope you get it Lonlygirl. I really, really do!

Hoping the best for you!


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 37 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 710 | Registered: Apr 2013
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone for your support. You've been a lifeline today. I'm sorry if I seem dumb or weak. If it was someone else, I could tell them what to do. With myself, it seems murky because I know how happy I was with him before Dday.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1112 | Registered: Jul 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't seem dumb or weak. You are in pain and you're confused. You've been traumatized.

A BS can be in a fog of their own. Sometimes it's thicker than a WS's fog.

Before dday? He had cheated on you for months before dday. So you were happy with your image of him..and the lie he presented himself as.

THIS is who he is. He is showing you who he is...believe him.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7281 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
cdnmommy
♀ Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


He has said stuff like this in the past, no? Then reverted back to his previous attitude?

I would seriously consider a response like this:

"I deserve more than to be deceived and lied to, which you have consistently done throughout our relationship. I am electing to move on with my life in a healthy way. Do not contact me again."

I wish there was some way to make you realize the opportunity you have to make a clean break. My heart is aching for you because I have been there. The difference is that I had years of marriage and a child to consider, along with a spouse who, eventually, got it. But not before I kicked him out of the house and told him I was DONE. I was not going to put one more stitch of effort into someone who would treat me so poorly. When he asked if I was willing to try one more time, I said I wasn't making any commitments, and I meant it. Re-read that: I MEANT IT. I had to fight every urge to fix him, and to feel sorry for him (which was not the same as having compassion for him), and it had to be his responsibility to fix himself.

Reconciliation is a long, hard road. I can't imagine trying to walk it with someone who had not earned the right to walk it with me.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1732 | Registered: Nov 2010
ajsmom
♀ Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry if I seem dumb or weak.

On the contrary. When things change out of our control, it's a tough pill to swallow. You didn't want this but the reality is it is what you are facing now.

I won't speak for others, but I walked this road too. It took a very long time for my heart to catch up to my head.

We just want the best for you.


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21039 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
Markone
♂ Member
Member # 30291
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LG,
Since I've been following and responding to you in the R forum (just posted there too), feel a need to say one final thing that's easier to say in General.

You need to walk away.

You seem intelligent, emotionally mature, thoughtful. There is someone out there that won't take those qualities and shit all over them, there's someone who will love you all the more for them. You are too young and unencumbered with what makes walking away harder to do after marriage (shared home, kids etc).

Run now. I PROMISE in 6 months you'll scratch your head as to why you stayed so long in the first place.

Don't be fooled by his crumbs. The person he thinks he is (conservative values? don't make me fucking laugh), the guilt he has put on you.

Imagine him laughing with his friends at how stupid you are to believe his bullshit. Angry now? Zip up your bitch boots and start walking


DD 11/28/10
Me (BH)
Her (WS)
Separated and filed (7/13)

Posts: 412 | Registered: Dec 2010
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was reading all these success stories on SI, where people are saying that they're closer now than they were before the A. I'm partly scared that I'm going to leave my BF, and just meet another guy that cheats. I wonder if it'd be better to work through it with this guy, so I can be one of those success stories. Because I'm worried that I'll walk away, and then just get cheated on again. And maybe next time the guy won't confess, and I won't know about it.

Reading these forums, it feels like everyone cheats. So I just feel hopeless.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1112 | Registered: Jul 2013
ajsmom
♀ Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hon, those that have successfully R'ed here have because the WS was willing to be remorseful, repentant and did the heavy lifting.

It sounds like you and you alone are expected to "fix" this.

I really wish you could take a couple of days, go NC with him, get past some of the rumination here and see this logically. I get that is impossible with your emotions being sky high right now.

Good thing is, we're a patient bunch.


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21039 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
TXwifemom
♀ Member
Member # 37945
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not everyone cheats. I didn't, you didn't. Look at the men on the BS men forum. It isn't a guy thing. Or a girl thing. Or a bad marriage thing. It is simply a crappy person thing.

So spend some time alone. Learn why you don't want to be alone. usually it is insecurity, childhood issues, etc.

relearn who you are, grow as a person.

[This message edited by TXwifemom at 2:41 PM, July 19th (Friday)]


Posts: 231 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: texas
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